You're Banninated!
Monday, April 18, 2005
Hello Fellow Banninators! I realize few of you will know me, as I loathed and mocked your kind only days ago, but having seen the way your Bans have dealt so effectively with smoking and gayness in Lawrence and throughout the state of Kansas, I have decided you guys are totally right on. I really, really want to join the First Church of Bannination, so I too can learn to make illegal those things which bother me about other people. I feel I can make a valuable contribution to your cause, as I fear many different types of people and things they do. I feel that with just a little bit of prompting from religious zealots or ex-hippies that I too can feel the self-righteous rage which will drive me to the polls and to the fair capitol of Topeka to get some serious Bannination accomplished! Just look at some of the things that I'll be working to Banninate!
Those stupid fucking Livestrong bracelets — Are these not begging for Total Bannination? I mean, c'mon. What the fuck does Livestrong mean, and how will wearing a five cent piece of rubber made by some twelve year old Thai kid in China help me to remember to do it? Anyone who needs a day pass to the water park wrapped around their wrist in order to remind them how to live isn't gonna have some grand revelation no matter how hard they stare at it. Yeah,enjoy Living Strong—at the mall. Feel my Power of Ban, you dickweeds.
BANNINATION FACTOR: 7
PROTECTS: Sanctity of Thai boys.
Sorority Girls in Pajamas in Airports — Listen, girls, I know you've got a long flight to France, but can you at least put some fucking pants on? Seriously. You wouldn't go out to eat in your pajamas, you wouldn't go see a movie in your pajamas, so why is it okay to subject the rest of us to your powder-blue-with-clouds-and-smiley-stars personal nightmare while you rack the "Oh my God" meter up to nine and a half.
BANNINATION FACTOR: 6
PROTECTS: Sanctity of Airport Security Lines
Support Our Troops Car Magnets — Your patriotism knows no bounds—what with that big American flag ribbon you've got slapped across your SUV. If you want to support our troops so bad, save the fifteen bucks you plonked down on your ridiculous car magnets and buy a soldier a care package—or donate to the Red Cross. The only person you're supporting by buying these things are some monkey fucking catalogue salesmen who're using the war as a chance to profit. I declare your SUV null and void, and your Stupid Magnets Banninated!
BANNINATION FACTOR: 9.5
PROTECTS: Sanctity of True Patriotism
LARP-ers — Alright — these guys are just begging to be Banninated—LARPERS, Live-Action Role Players, or Loud Annoying Roaming Penises are people who go out in fields, pretend to be Dungeons and Dragons characters, and shout things like "I cast Magic Missile!" at each other while the other one's all like "You can't do that—I have a Shield of Icebane +2", and then they argue miserably, like the nerds they are. Keep it inside, boys and girls, at least then it's retro-chique. As for your outdoor adventures—Banninated!
BANNINATION FACTOR: 6
PROTECTS: My wasted Junior High years.
Naming Stadiums After Corporations — I died a little bit the day that Sandstone Amphitheatre became Verizon Wireless Super-whatever-Thunderdome. This deal with the devil has led corporate branding to new heights, and the advertising/branding scum now have no problem trying to buy their names onto anything that's got a flat surface—including Rome's Spanish Steps, the Pantheon, and your kids school. The new Pope is brought to you by Nike.
BANNINATION FACTOR: 8.5
PROTECTS: Sanctity of Public Spaces (and before you argue this, yes, stadiums are private enterprises but they host large communal events, so I'm considering them public for the purposes of this blog. Cause it's mine. Nyah-nyah.)
Finally—
Condos Across from Bars — Not content to let the Lawrence music scene die under the heavy weight of it's fuzzy leg-warmered emo club scene, the same people who brought you Historic Tree Removal (c) and That Hideous Parking Lot and Pepperjax (c) now bring you three stories of overpriced condominiums. And just you wait until the hip young clientele they promise will move in turns out to be grouchy middle-aged businessmen who hate fun. When they start complaining will the Bottleneck turn the music up, or turn the club kids out? You'll never know—because Those Condos are now Banninated!
BANNINATION FACTOR: 7.38502
PROTECTS: Sanctity of that place where I saw The Urge once before they sold out. Totally. I've still got the T-shirt.
This Bannination thing is fantastic. If you can see now why I've joined the ranks of the Banninators, I encourage you to try it at home. Go on—declare your husband, wife, roommate, or local bartender Banninated! Who knows—they may like it, in the end.
Logo courtesy of explodingdog.com
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Posted by leslie (Leslie vonHolten) on April 18, 2005 at 8:58 p.m. (Suggest removal)
hilarious.
Please banninate the Knifty Knitter.
Thank you.
Posted by UKept (anonymous) on April 19, 2005 at 1:24 a.m. (Suggest removal)
Leslie--Fair point.
BANNINATION FACTOR: 8.1
PROTECTS: Sanctity of actual knitters, and the casts of community theatre productions of Quilters everywhere.
Posted by hittheroad (anonymous) on April 19, 2005 at 6:45 a.m. (Suggest removal)
What about the pajama-clad sorority girls that smack into me every time I try to buy groceries ? I started thinking Dillon's actually sold them until I tried to pick one up for my brother. They sure are bitchy.
Posted by RubyVroom (Chala Roberts-Fife) on April 19, 2005 at 8:18 a.m. (Suggest removal)
Thank you for this blog, my day is complete.
Posted by lazz (anonymous) on April 19, 2005 at 8:48 a.m. (Suggest removal)
I would like to propose a bannination on the Journal-World publishing stories about itself.
Posted by Snoop (anonymous) on April 19, 2005 at 9:33 a.m. (Suggest removal)
Ah... this is the kind of blog that make me feel right at home…….
Naming Stadiums After Corporations: That’s a 10!
Support Our Troops Car Magnets – You nailed it!
Sorority Girls in Pajamas in Airports…..well you gotta cut dem some slack my number Is secret. YES MEN ARE PIGS, THERE!
LARP-ers……. I’m sorry these folks rating are dipping into Commander Data processing range…… I know what you are thinking….. one geekdom activity for another. Never mind.
May I please add Confederate Flag paraphernalia on ANY vehicle
AND people who drive Hummers. That is simply a level of utter stupidity and vehicular ignorance that I’m not able to comprehend. ESPECIALLY this 30 something soccer mom I saw recently who almost did a flop at a gas station recently getting out of one.
YOU DON’T RUN ERRANDS TO HYVEE IN A HUMMER!
Posted by twiggle (anonymous) on April 19, 2005 at 12:17 p.m. (Suggest removal)
Can we banninate hummers in general? And hummer envy?
I just don't get it.
Posted by mitzibel (Misty Nuckolls) on April 19, 2005 at 1:37 p.m. (Suggest removal)
Why ban hummers, when declaring open season on them is so much more fun?
Posted by Snoop (anonymous) on April 19, 2005 at 1:53 p.m. (Suggest removal)
Oh Mitzi you reminded me of another banninate item DANDELIONS!
Posted by lazz (anonymous) on April 19, 2005 at 2:08 p.m. (Suggest removal)
if we're discussing bannination, let's be careful how we define hummers here, OK?
Posted by Snoop (anonymous) on April 19, 2005 at 3:08 p.m. (Suggest removal)
Just so we are clear.....
HUMMER: Official site of Hummer, including civilian and industrial models and an owners section.
www.hummer.com/
Posted by UKept (anonymous) on April 19, 2005 at 3:25 p.m. (Suggest removal)
And...
www.sextutor.com/fellatio.shtml for a definition the "other" hummer, which under no circumstances should be banninated.
Posted by brencb (anonymous) on April 19, 2005 at 6:11 p.m. (Suggest removal)
this made my day. can we just ban sorority girls altogether?
Posted by BobDarkAvenger (anonymous) on April 19, 2005 at 7:15 p.m. (Suggest removal)
I'm not sure hip, young clientele can afford to live in those condos....
Posted by mitzibel (Misty Nuckolls) on April 19, 2005 at 7:56 p.m. (Suggest removal)
Again, brench, open season. . .
And hell, no, let's not ban the "other hummer". Otherwise, "True Love Waits" would have to close its doors forever. . .
Posted by UKept (anonymous) on April 20, 2005 at 1:48 a.m. (Suggest removal)
Thanks, Misty, for keeping the dream alive.
On a side note, you should check out the Mona Lisa print on my previous link...showing once again that what the Internet lacks in detailed historic information, it makes up for in Hot Monkey Lovin.
Speaking of Mona Lisa--I hereby and forthwith declare "The DiVinci Code" Banninated! This large pile of poo is clunkier than Harry Potter slash fiction. There's more exposition than plot, and everytime someone's being shot at, they're all like "it's fascinating, you know, that the Teutonic knights were able to keep the Dead Sea Scrolls under this Roman church for so many years and...blah blah blah" KILL ME, VILE PAPERBACK, KILL ME NOW!
BANNINATION FACTOR: 8.5
Protects: Sanctity of Johannes Guttenburg's Printing Press
Posted by hilary (anonymous) on April 20, 2005 at 8:35 a.m. (Suggest removal)
Willie,
Can we ban Catholicism? It bums me out, and takes up too much space on CNN.com
Posted by lazz (anonymous) on April 20, 2005 at 12:22 p.m. (Suggest removal)
by the way,, as for Bannination of the Livestrong bracelets --- it's perhaps a misplaced sentiment.
As lame as those things are, even worse are the knockoffs, touting everything from FAITH to KUATHLETICS.COM.
Man, to knock off something that was lame-o to begin with ... what could possibly worse?
besides, the Livestrong bracelets do support cancer research -- I assume -- and many folks battling cancer latch onto Armstrong as their role model and inspiration -- i have one dear friend who is doing so now, and wearing her Livestrong bracelet proudly, and anotehr who kept Armstrong as his inspiration while battling brain cancer soon after Lance made his recovery.
So I vote reprieve for the Livestrong bracelets, but Immediate and Eternal Bannination for the pink-blue-red-purple knockoffs that profit private enterprise at the price of our very souls ...
Posted by mitzibel (Misty Nuckolls) on April 20, 2005 at 12:46 p.m. (Suggest removal)
I don't know, I've read some Harry Potter slash that was a hell of a lot more insightful than the Da Vinci code. The one where Voldemort was giving G. Dub "the other hummer" was pretty damn entertaining. . . .
Posted by mitzibel (Misty Nuckolls) on April 20, 2005 at 12:59 p.m. (Suggest removal)
UKept---Thank you! I've been meaning to replace my wallpaper. . . .
Posted by Jester (Nick Spacek) on April 20, 2005 at 8:06 p.m. (Suggest removal)
I used to be anti-PJs in public until a fateful evening at Dillon's. Once the glaze wore off my eyes, I saw the light, and found it pretty much ok.
Granted, it's still an amazing testament to how lazy one is, and how much one drank the night before, when you're still in your pajamas at 7pm on Sunday.
Posted by UKept (anonymous) on April 21, 2005 at 5:49 a.m. (Suggest removal)
lazz--after reading your comment, I checked out the live strong website (http://www.livestrong.org/livestrong/por...) and the geniune articels (i.e. The Livestrong bracelets) do support a good cause.
HOWEVER, like the ribbon craze of a few years ago, which started as a good cause (breast cancer) and turned into a ridiculous rainbow of ribbons (alliteration) the power of the symbol is diminished in direct relation to the number of (even legitimate) copies of said symbol.
So I am fine repealing the BANNINATION of Livestrong bracelets, however, I would like to SUPERBANNINATE the commericilization of hope, and the mining of people's sympathy for a buck or two.
I would also like to BANNINATE alliteration--which while amusing is way too overused by MFA Poetry majors trying to be James Ellroy, and which (to use a charming English colloqualism) 'gets on my tits'.
Posted by Joel (Joel Mathis) on April 21, 2005 at 12:39 p.m. (Suggest removal)
Weight Watchers sent me a bracelet after I blogged about 'em. It was white, with some rainbow stripes on the side.
But why would I wear a Weight Watchers bracelet? Is it not obvious enough that I need to lose weight? Do I need to tag myself with a FAT GUY BRACELET?
Sorry, Will. You tapped a nerve...
Posted by lazz (anonymous) on April 22, 2005 at 11:28 a.m. (Suggest removal)
Will, I supersupport your superbannination of the commercialization of hope, although alliteration attitudes are another assumption altogether.
Besides, I would truly enjoy watching an MFA Poetry major try to be James Ellroy. That would be a hoot. Could we make a bracelet for that?
Posted by UKept (anonymous) on April 23, 2005 at 3:13 a.m. (Suggest removal)
OFF TOPIC PLUG--
Go see Treasure Island --
http://www.lawrence.com/events/2005/apr/...
--if you get a chance. It's got a great cast, including some Victor Continental players (though I doubt they'll be any dancing girls), and KU alum types.
It's a rock solid cast and should be well worth seeing. So grab some kids from some park and go!
Posted by jaq (anonymous) on April 23, 2005 at 3:47 p.m. (Suggest removal)
Okay...I can see how wearing pajamas while shopping at upscale food purveyors such as Hyvee might warrant a dollop society's disdain, but when patroning other supermarkets, say the dirty Dillons on Mass, pajamas seem entirely reasonable. They should just be glad I wear pants at all.
Posted by leslie (Leslie vonHolten) on April 26, 2005 at 8:51 p.m. (Suggest removal)
I just read a short article about some hospitals having problems with the Live Strong bracelets because they are almost identical to the i.d. bracelets worn by folks who have signed Do Not Resuscitate orders. Now there's a funny stage skit idea for you.
Posted by GreenEyedBlues (anonymous) on May 7, 2005 at 11:49 p.m. (Suggest removal)
Aaaaaaah those condos are ca-rayzeee expensive. I think the base floor plan goes for like $375K. So yikes.
Posted by Mutations13 (anonymous) on May 9, 2005 at 6:48 p.m. (Suggest removal)
I didn't think much of the sorority girls in pajamas, but when I got out of my car at McDonalds the day after I read this, a sorority girl in full rainbow pajamas got out of her car.
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