For JT

By MJ Allen

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

On a recent visit to a local tavern, I was approached by a winsome young man of charming demeanor... or so it first seemed. For, after only moments of being in my presence, the fellow's composure rapidly dissolved as he degenerated into a blithering heap of pathos. He threw himself upon my feet, clutching my legs and sobbing: "Maggie! Oh, Maggie, why have you not blogged? It's been so long. We've heard nothing from you in months. Please, Maggie, I love you! You must blog. Oh, GOD, why won't you blo-o-o-o-og?!!"

Moved by the young man's passionate, pitiable display, I took his head in my hand and lifted him in that "rise, my child" fashion. I held him in my arms (the way I do with all of my readers) and brushed away his tears. As I soothed him back into what vaguely resembled a state of dignified countenance, he explained to me through a muffled series of sobs and squeaks that he had been visiting lawrence.com everyday in hopes that I had posted something new. The weeks of consistent disappointment had clearly taken its toll. This guy was a wreck.

It was only recently that I learned the dire impact of my writing droughts. I had assumed that the only harm done by my unintentional literary discontinuity was that inflicted upon my own soul. How very wrong. The young man went on to explain that it seemed as though so many of the other bloggers had become preoccupied with the subject of marriage, a motif which can become tiresome and cloying*. Well, fear not, my sweet. Maggie is here to make it all better...

But, while we are on the topic of marriage, I would like to take this opportunity to announce my engagement! I thought it would never happen but, yes, it is true. I, Maggie J. Allen, am resolved to spend the remainder of my days in wedded bliss to none other but the Spook Lights. I have been waiting for a band like them to come into my life. This sweet little band-next-door has stolen my heart; they have bewitched me. I am a slave to their affection. Never have I known love like this. Never have I been consumed by such passion. Every minute I hunger for their musical embrace. This will be a love affair for the ages. And, so, to the man who answered my cry of "I L O V E the SPOOK LIGHTS!!" with a sarcastic "Heh, why don't you marry them?" I say to you sir, I SHALL! I shall.

I have loved so many local bands in the past, and there have been a few times where I truly thought "This is IT!" But, alas, it never worked out. There were the bands who broke my heart and left me (Kill Creek, Hefners, Hardaways, Naildrivers); the ones who were just using me (Danny Pound Band, Vitreous Humor, his other stupid band); the ones who refused to grow up (Danger Bob); the ones who sort of scared me (Gormet Mushroom X, the Esoteric); the ones who were out of my league (New Amsterdams); the ones who were just dicks (Appleseed Cast); the one that existed only in my dreams (Dave Swenson and the Swensonics);the one that got away, but then came back, but it was too late (Bubble Boys); and the one who turned out to be gay (Doris Henson). I loved them all, and, in a way, I still do. They will each always have a place in my heart... okay, maybe not the Appleseed Cast**. However, what I felt for these musicians does not hold a candle to the fervent adoration and reverent, idolatrous lust I carry for my betrothed.

You may wonder how I propose to marry an entire band. Would this not be considered polygamy? It's quite simple, really. All we need is for the Spook Lights to become incorporated. Once they have established themselves as a corporation, they will be entitled to the same rights as any tax paying citizen. Unlike those who are not real people (homosexuals), with the Spook Lights being a corporation, and thereby a person, I can see no reason as to why they and I should not enjoy, not only a civil union, but holy matrimony. Now, as they are, in part, from a different planet (Sleazetopia), there is the potential threat of friction from the immigration authorities, but I'm not worried. Anyone who sees us together can easily see that we are genuinely in love, and perpetrating fraud for the sake of a green card is the furthest thing from our minds.

There are, certainly, a few details we have yet to consider. For example, I'm not really sure what the sleeping arrangement will be. I imagine we will have to commission an enormous bed. But then, where do you find sheets that big? No matter. These are but trivial issues, which we must anticipate. Dilemmas are to be expected when pioneering new frontiers in the realms of conjugality. Furthermore, I am confident that there is no obstacle, no hardship, no calamity that our colossal love cannot overcome, and there is no adversary that we will not eradicate. Oh, the delicious power of this union is overwhelming. The aphrodisia that is the Spook Lights fills my senses, hypnotizing me. To know that I shall be yoked to the object of my lascivious infatuation is enough to drive me mad with desire. These gods of rock shall be my very own for all eternity. Oh, my sweet, darling Spook Lights, I do love you so.

*clearly this would not be the case if it were a lawrence.com blogger writing about marriage, as we are all geniuses.

**I secretly think the Appleseed Cast is amazing, but please do not tell them I said that. It will just go to their heads.

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Posted by scary_manilow (anonymous) on October 11, 2006 at 12:14 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Dearest Maggie:

We love you, too, and we wholeheartedly accept this proposal.

Are we supposed to consumate as a group? I sense a video blog coming on...

Posted by Joel (Joel Mathis) on October 11, 2006 at 12:46 p.m. (Suggest removal)

You know, I was just telling my wife the other day that it had been a long time since Maggie blogged. Then we did some cloying stuff.

Posted by Mr_A (Bryan Anderson) on October 11, 2006 at 3:14 p.m. (Suggest removal)

What you need to do is start a band. Then, you can start a ukulele supergroup with members of various other bands. Mix and match various members of your favorite bands, then you could incestuously sleep with everybody in the supergroup. It would be just like Fleetwood Mac, except with a lot less blow, and a whole crap-load more ukuleles.
RAWK!

Posted by MjA (MJ Allen) on October 11, 2006 at 3:25 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Bryan, next to marrying the Spook Lights, a ukulele supergroup starring me may be the best idea anyone has ever had. Rawk on.

Joel, first of all, you're welcome. Second, ha ha. Third, cloy on.

Scary M., I'm blushing.

Posted by edie_ (anonymous) on October 11, 2006 at 6:57 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Imagine the flutter of delight in my heart upon reading the magnificent Ms. Maggie's revelation of our coveted union to the rest of the world. If only they could see the coquettish white unicorn upon the black velvet painting, uttering those three words that promise a lifetime of sleaze and devotion: "I Love You."

Posted by mitzibel (Misty Nuckolls) on October 11, 2006 at 7 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Oh, but edie, they *can*:

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fus...

Posted by ladylaw (Terry Bush) on October 11, 2006 at 8:14 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Ahhh you crazy kids. M.J. you actually had me going for a moment; I was looking forward to yet another lawernce.com happy union!! But in a way...I guess....

I have decided that I must sample this band's delights. So, one night when you see an old grey haired woman in the crowd, wave to me, will you?

Posted by beatle919 (Marcy McGuffie) on October 12, 2006 at 9:18 a.m. (Suggest removal)

I've never been known to do anything cloying. ;)

Anyway, I'm curious...Maggie, did you see the Hardaways when they did the Abbey Road performance? I'm still kickin' myself for missing out on that one.

Posted by MjA (MJ Allen) on October 12, 2006 at 1:02 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Marcy, I WAS at the Abbey Road show. It was fab, indeed. It's sort of funny how that performance has become legendary (on a local level). But, Jeff Ferrell singing and playing a piano at the Replay was a sight to behold... and a beautiful thing to hear. I'm so sorry you missed it.

I miss the Hardaways... well I miss Jeff at any rate.

I like Ferrells.

Posted by kthutch (anonymous) on October 13, 2006 at 1:58 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Hee. Too funny, and not just because you name-checked my three favorite local bands.

For JT

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