Cheating, cheater

By Dennis Dailey

Wednesday, October 4, 2006

Q: Dr. Dailey-

I am curious to hear your opinion on cheating. My partner and I are intrigued by cheating and as rational human beings were trying to understand what prompts it. We pretty much agree that it has a lot to do with insecurity and/or a need to challenge social constructs and/or to engage in deviant behaviors. What’s your explanation for this behavior?

—Heather

A: In my role as a sex therapist, I have, of course, encountered cheating, unfaithfulness, infidelity, etc. with some regularity. I see the aftermath of cheating and its consequence in relationships. But my practice is probably a biased sample, as cheating happens much less than is commonly thought to be the case. About a quarter of folks in relationships, whether married or not, are involved in cheating, with men having a slightly higher incidence than women, in both heterosexual and homosexual relationships.

One thing is clear and that is that cheating in a very complex issue, with many motivations and varied outcomes. Some unfaithfulness could be best described as accidental (too much to drink, the rush of the moment, etc.) and usually only happens once. This kind of cheating probably represents a good example of situational poor judgment. There is seldom much emotional attachment and it is mostly about sexual pleasure. Sometimes it is about seeking variety.

In another variation on cheating, people "fall in love" with someone outside of their committed relationship. For women these extra-relationship activities are usually about meeting emotional needs, with sex as a secondary (yet pleasurable) feature. For men, the opposite is often the case. But in both of these, the combination of emotional attachment and sexual pleasure are intense motivations and often threaten the primary relationship. For those being cheated upon, most people are more upset about emotional unfaithfulness than sexual unfaithfulness. Obviously loving someone else and having sex with someone else are experienced as two different things.

Another variation is people who have made very tenuous commitments to their relationship, or who have very liberal attitudes about extra-relationship sex, or who lack some level of moral centeredness, or who have psychological problems manifested as absence of guilt. Sometimes these folks are called philanderers, and interestingly, sexual gratification is often not their primary motivation, but sexual affirmation drives much of their behavior. The man proving his masculinity, or the woman seeking affirmation of her femininity fall in this category, along with those who use sexual interactions as tools to shore up very low levels of self-esteem.

Finally, there is a variety of extra-relationship sexual affairs that are consensual, open, and a dynamic aspect of a couple’s relationship. More people probably daydream about this than actually engage in “swinging.” It also takes a fairly mature and differentiated couple to successfully engage in swinging or open marriage over long periods of time. The majority of attempts at integrating swinging into committed relationships are relatively short-lived and not particularly successful; but some are.

So, what is my take on cheating? Because it is usually engaged in secretly, partners consistently feel betrayed on many levels, and as a consequence cheating usually has an initial destructive impact on relationship. It is the issue of betrayal that is at the core of the hurt and resolving the issue of betrayal is central to any healing possibilities. For some this betrayal is so profound that relationships simply fail to survive and end.

Other couples elect to try to “work it out.” The first task is to accept that betrayal has occurred, whether intended or not, and the next task is to get real clear about the motivation for the extra-relationship activities. There is a difference between affairs that might have been accidental poor judgment and those that are serial activities in a relationship. I am still somewhat surprised at how many couples are able to put their relationships back together and yet it is usually pretty obvious why a given couple cannot achieve that end. Clearly, individual personality dynamics come into play in terms of how someone is able to cope with the experience of betrayal.

At the heart of the issue is the notion of commitment. Commitment is that somewhat irrational act of aligning with another person for a lifetime (as in 40 or 50 years). Commitment to that alignment with another is likely what accounts for that majority of folk who do not get involved in extra-relationship activities that would constitute betrayal of other. Often people who are involved in affairs do not want to end their relationships, which is probably witness to the fact that some level of underlying commitment is still present. Commitment does not emerge automatically because a couple decides to be together, which is part of the reason that relationships are tricky business.

Dr. Dailey is a certified Sex Therapist and Sex Educator, and has been on the faculty of the University of Kansas for 36+ years.

Post your questions for Dr. Dailey in the comments section below or, if you prefer, email them to him at letstalksex@lawrence.com

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Posted by ladylaw (Terry Bush) on October 5, 2006 at 3:24 p.m. (Suggest removal)

People cheat on a significant other for much the same reasons they cheat on tests or in other areas of life; they think they can't get what they want by simply being honest. And the results of cheating are usually much the same no matter the person or principle being cheated; the cheater ends up being the biggest loser!

Posted by sibkiss (anonymous) on October 8, 2006 at 4:37 p.m. (Suggest removal)

The end results of cheating are sometimes violent. Cheaters, beware.

If you are prone to be a cheater, a lying weasel, just make sure you mate with someone of your own caliber, who is open-minded about your need for an alternative reality. But, most cheaters, do not care for someone who would do the same thing they would do in the same circumstances. They disdain other cheaters.

Posted by ladylaw (Terry Bush) on October 8, 2006 at 8:45 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Ah hypocrisy. One of THE most common human traits. It is true that cheaters often disdain (or fear) cheaters (perhaps because many a current or reformed cheater has a hard time believing that they aren't going to be treated the same way). But .... the same can be said of smokers, liars, selfish folks, etc. Very VERY frequently we dislike in others what dislike in ourselves or - very often - that which we fail to see is present in ourselves. Perhaps this is why a teacher of great reknown once advised all: Take the plank out of your own eye before going after the splinter in someone else's eye......

Posted by NotMrRight (anonymous) on November 1, 2006 at 9:30 p.m. (Suggest removal)

People cheat because they made a mistake -- picked the wrong mate.

So, they go out and cheat -- maybe to search for and choose another mate -- or maybe just to break the monotony.

And if, as a result of the search, they do choose another mate -- generally they make another mistake.

The same one they made before.

At least there will be comfort in knowing that the mistake looks familiar...

Posted by ladylaw (Terry Bush) on November 8, 2006 at 11:14 a.m. (Suggest removal)

I don't disagree Mr, but any mate would be the wrong mate for someone who is inclined to fix what ails them by cheating. It's like taking a class to learn a skill, and then cheating on the work and tests. Or trying to sew up a gaping wound with a knife. You usually can't fix one mistake by making another one.

While cheating might help someone to relieve the itch caused by being with someone who no longer "does it" for them, the damage done by such conduct (to the cheater and the betrayed partner, and even to the partner(s) of the cheater) only perpetuates the spiral of pain caused by the deceit.

Persons in any relationship that is unhealthy, sick or even dead need to get that relationship buried (or fixed/cured) before they will ever be able to have a relationship that is any better. Unless the root of the problem is addressed and coping skills improved, their next partner can often expect the exact same behaviors.

But of course, those who are sick rarely do healthy things.....

So, Dr. D. what say you - is cheating more common or less in committed relationships? What % of partnered persons engage in such conduct? And can a cheater ever be trusted to reform, or is it a behavior or indicator of problems that are "incurable"?

Posted by judas (anonymous) on June 21, 2007 at 9:06 a.m. (Suggest removal)

Three weeks ago I discovered that my husband was having a string of affairs for a year, different women, different countries. I discoverd a set of pictures of a very young woman, When I confronted him he swore he did not sleeped with her, but 3 months latter I found a second mobil phone in his car, and found more than 30 names of women in it. I called the most recent phonecalls and discoverd one of them was the woman from the picture. She told me they had sex twice and that he loved me and he only used her for sex and she did it for money. I confronted him and he has promised to change and there has been some mild changes on his attitude towards me and the kids. My question is: How can I get over the pain and find the courage to move on? Can a men that claims middle age crisis be trusted again?
Anyone out there please give some feedback and forgive my english is my second language.

Posted by RedSonja (anonymous) on June 24, 2007 at 4:52 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Wow. I must really applaud you for your courage. I'm sorry that your husband has put you in this situation. To begin, I strongly advise you to visit your OB/GY to make sure you have not contracted any diseases. I understand you have a family and would like nothing better than to continue your life as it was before you found out. It is my opinion that your husband may not change. He even had a second cell phone to keep secrets from you. If you feel your love for your husband is greater than the pain, can overcome this, and trust him again then try to work it out. Try to weigh if staying in this marriage is worth getting hurt again. Also, your husband is going to have to realize that he needs to rebuild your trust in him, and this might take years. The most important advice I want to add is to continue loving yourself. No matter what he has done, remember that you are valuable.

Posted by curieux (anonymous) on February 4, 2008 at 4:02 p.m. (Suggest removal)

How do you account for relationships in long term or duplicate families like those of François Mitterrand, Eisenhower, Franklin Delano Roosevelt? Is it not possible to love more than one person and to handle commitments with love that respect the beliefs of the others, what they are willing to accept, within or without full disclosure?

Cheating, cheater

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