Transgressions In Parenting

By Misty Nuckolls

Monday, December 3, 2007

My munchkin has had an adventurous morning. After filling up a sketchpad with pictures of all the important people in her life (Auntie Lissa, Pizza Lady, Mommy, Daddy, MeeMaw, PaPa Boo, and Miss Nora, in that order—I’m happy to report that she works in accurate color representation; every picture has brown hair, except for “Mommy”, which is crowned by blue scribbles), she’s dug into the mountain of stuffed animals and dolls in her room and emerged with her two current favorites, which happen to be from my own pre-mommyhood collection.

The first is an Amish (or maybe Mennonite) doll, beautifully hand-crafted and clutching a scrap of antique patchwork quilt. And of course, no face. Well, there’s a patch of muslin where a face would be, but no features. Or at least, no features until she became quite distressed about that fact last night and I dug out the embroidery floss.

The second is much cuter in my opinion, although many may disagree. Anyone out there remember the old-school flash animation “Radiskull and Devil Doll”? (Click “view Linux version”, it’s the only one that works.) Long before I met my husband, a gentleman in pursuit of my affections gave me the plush Devil Doll from their long-defunct merchandise page.

So now Penny’s made a playhouse behind the sofa, where Devil Doll is feeding Mostly Faceless Amish Baby a bottle and singing it songs about frogs. Yes, I have let her watch the cartoons, which she found highly amusing, so every now and then that indescribably cute three-year-old voice can be heard to coo, “I love you, Devil Doll.” Still, I’d much rather have her playing with stuffed representations of mythological demons than a Bratz doll. I’ll buy her the complete “Venereals” set of GIANTmicrobes before I let her get her grubby hands on one of those slut-indoctrination tools.

Speaking of which, how freaking hard is it to find a simple coloring book at WalMart? Impossible, apparently. I usually limit her to blank paper, but lately she’s been working (and succeeding) at coloring within lines, and is also obsessed with SpiderMan (although thanks to her Uncle Josh, she sings the theme song with the “Spider Pig” lyrics, and the hell if I’m gonna correct her), so I figured we’d take a Saturday morning jaunt to pick up a few coloring books and a new set of markers. And since we needed a new water filter and bubble bath (which Target doesn’t sell, the asshats), we went to Big Box Hell.

Now, I realize it’s the Christmas season and all, and therefore the toy section is in full holiday mode, but c’mon—doesn’t anyone buy coloring books as presents? Not if they’re relying on WalMart for their shopping experience, they don’t. We left without the water filter, because I was getting trailed by employees for my outbursts, which were along the lines of, “Well, Penny, I guess ‘artist’ is out of the question, you’re going to have to be either a prostitute or a mechanized battle unit when you grown up.”

We’ve also been working on correcting a bit of vocabulary she’s picked up from me. Since having her, I’ve worked seriously hard at limiting my severe case of guttermouth, and succeeding, for the most part. Hell, it’s even bled over into my writing. But the last ones to go are always your exasperated exclamations, which means that for a few weeks, when Penny was angry or frustrated at me, she’d let out with a “G-ddammit, Mommy!” Yeah, color me chagrined. We’ve got it mostly licked, though—the offending phrase has been replaced with a heavily-coached, Shirley Temple-reminiscent “Oh my goodness gracious!”

And lastly, since we cut out all television during the day, and in the evening she *sometimes* gets to watch something like Blue Planet or Man vs. Wild with us (she seriously digs watching Bear eat snakes and bugs), we listen to a lot more music during the day. And I’ve discovered that she enjoys my music at *least* as much the few bits of “child-oriented” music we’ve collected for her. She’ll choose The Dead Milkmen over The Laurie Berkner Band any day, and I’m cool with that. She really digs Frank Zappa, and as I type she’s dancing around the living room to Tori Amos’ “Happy Phantom”.

All in all, I think we’re doing a pretty good job, which is reassuring since we’re planning on getting knocked up again within the year. Keep your fingers crossed for a boy, because the name Vinny Nuckolls is just too perfect *not* to be used, you know?

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Posted by linswri (anonymous) on December 3, 2007 at 3:43 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Try Walgreens for coloring books. I found some there during Halloween in an attempt to give my nephew a sugar free alternative. They had good, classic characters like Snoopy and Scooby Doo, hell I've had just as much fun coloring as he has. :) And I share in your disgust of Bratz dolls. If I ever have a daughter, she will have a Bratz doll over my cold, dead body....

I think it is awesome that your daughter listens to your music! Sam (my son) is only 4 months old, but he loves listening to my music better than anything Baby Einstein can provide. I just hope I am molding his music tastes...I don't know if I can stand the thought of him listening to shitty music when he's older.

Posted by Dazie (Aileen Dingus) on December 3, 2007 at 4:46 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Bratz are not coming to my house either. Blech.

What I miss this time of year are the huge Christmas themed coloring books I had as a kid- we'd drag them out and watch Rudolph, the Grinch and Christmas Carol and color at the same time. Good stuff.

About the music thing- we were flying somewhere one time, and our son sat apart from us, but close enough so I could hear him. He had his headphones on and was listening to music. The lady next to him asked if he was listening to the Backstreet Boys. He looked at her like she was demented and replied "No, Tchaikovsky." She said "What?" and he replied "You know, Peter and the Wolf. The Nutcracker Suite. Tchaikovsky" and put his headphones back on and ignored her for the rest of the flight.

Posted by ladylaw (Terry Bush) on December 3, 2007 at 4:52 p.m. (Suggest removal)

I may have to help you fill out the marriage contract with Dazie's son - Tchaikovsky lovers unite! LOL.

Posted by mitzibel (Misty Nuckolls) on December 3, 2007 at 4:57 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Doesn't that lady know that only pre-teen *girls* listen to that crap? Hopefully not mine; I grew up listening to my parents' vinyl collection and the oldies station, and pretty much skipped all popular music from about 1980 until 1994 or so. I don't think I missed anything important, or at least not anything that I didn't catch back up on later. Speaking of which, who wants to see The Cure play KC in May? Anyone?

Posted by linswri (anonymous) on December 3, 2007 at 8:04 p.m. (Suggest removal)

I am ABSOLUTELY looking forward to seeing The Cure. I just hope I can get tickets before all of the pre-teen JoCo "emo" kids get to them...:)

Posted by mitzibel (Misty Nuckolls) on December 3, 2007 at 9:12 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Oh, dear, I didn't even think about that. Do you think they really listen to The Cure, or just that 311 cover of "LoveSong"? Oh, well, I may have to dig out my old gear from the costume box and show them how we did it oldschool, silly little kindergoths ;)

Posted by clayhill70 (anonymous) on December 3, 2007 at 11:06 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Looking forward to the announcement of Vinny's conception. I know "Harrison" had to have made the first round though.

Posted by mitzibel (Misty Nuckolls) on December 4, 2007 at 12:14 a.m. (Suggest removal)

Heh. Never even considered it. Probably a good thing, it took me *years* to convince the husband that Vincent was an acceptable first name. For another girl, I like Matilda, but Trey says we may as well name her Maude The Goat Girl. What's so freaking bad about Matilda??? He's also vetoed Drusilla (after Caligula's sister, and not the crazy vampire on Buffy) and Judith (bane of Holofernes). I guess our daughter got off light with Penelope, now that I think of it . . .

Posted by Dazie (Aileen Dingus) on December 4, 2007 at 7:30 a.m. (Suggest removal)

My husband wanted "Chance Random" as one of the choices for male offspring. Tell Trey he's lucky with Matilda.

Posted by beatle919 (Marcy McGuffie) on December 4, 2007 at 8:59 a.m. (Suggest removal)

I have a difficult time sensoring "bad" words around the little ones. My youngest nephew used to take it as an opportunity to repeat whatever I said. "Oh, Marcy said shit. I don't say shit! Shit's a bad word." Then again, my sister's kids think stupid is a bad word...even when not being used in a derogatory manner.

Ha! I don't even know how parents can agree on a name for a child. Anytime my hubby and I bat around baby names, I just look at him in horror. He thinks every child should have a natural disaster for a middle name (Hurricane, Tornado, etc). When I told him we should name our first girl Sue Nahmi...he got all excited...and I think he meant it (even though I sure as hell was joking).

I don't think Matilda's all that bad! I kind of favor the name Madeline (Maddy) for a girl...

Posted by mitzibel (Misty Nuckolls) on December 4, 2007 at 10:36 a.m. (Suggest removal)

Speaking of bad-word-Nazis, I did effects makeup for a play not too long ago that had a couple of junior-high and high-school kids in small roles. I got dressed down for "cursing in front of the babies", and when I asked what exactly I'd said, I was told that "dangit", and "heck" were totally unacceptable. For fucking tit's sake!!!

Posted by beatle919 (Marcy McGuffie) on December 4, 2007 at 11:05 a.m. (Suggest removal)

Dangit and heck??? I'm sure them babies have heard much worse!

I guess even the curse word alternatives are off limits to some folk.

Posted by mitzibel (Misty Nuckolls) on December 4, 2007 at 12:13 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Yeah, 'specially since the "babies" in question were wearing thongs and lowride jeans ;)

Posted by Snoop (anonymous) on December 4, 2007 at 3:44 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Am I a bad grandpa for mentioning, since this comment will be enshrined in the Law.com data banks forever...

One of the things Penny loves to do is watch me play my football game. She know what she is looking at and knows the game well. She cheers and boos at the right moments, but what I find amusing is when I make a mistake, or a player misses a ball of something she says “Goddammit, son of a bitch” or “Jesus Christ” or the obligatory “shit!”

After laughing under my breath on many occasion I started to correct her.
I thought about getting the video camera and recording the personal merriment.
However, if she were to run for president, Hillary would dig up these videos (campaigning for her grandson or daughter) on You Tube and use them against her.

Posted by beatle919 (Marcy McGuffie) on December 5, 2007 at 1:24 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Snoop - I say grab the camera and record that stuff. All politicians have skeletons in their closets! There's something highly amusing and slightly charming about little ones w/foul mouths.

I want to see it on YouTube.

Posted by godjilla (Jill Ensley) on December 6, 2007 at 8:21 a.m. (Suggest removal)

I bought some crayons and a drawing pad for one of my Toys for Tots donation and yes, Target had a weak selection of coloring books as well. I bet The Toy Store downtown has a shit-ton of them. They used to. Also, buy solar print paper. It is teh awesome.

Still debating about the Cure in K.C. thing. It's at Starlight, which wouldn't be too bad. Even though they are my favorite band evar, last time I saw them ('96), it was about an hour and a half too long. Even then I wondered, "what the hell are all these preppy bastards doing here?" So I'm sure JoCo Emo-twat will turn out in force, as well as a motley assortment of other stereotypes.

Posted by Jester (Nick Spacek) on December 6, 2007 at 9:29 a.m. (Suggest removal)

Coloring books!

Go to Half Price Books, Dollar Tree, and Dollar General. You will find a wide selection of generic anthropomorphic animals, out-of-date movie tie-ins, and the usual holiday selections.

Personally, I like bunnies.

Posted by mitzibel (Misty Nuckolls) on December 6, 2007 at 4:10 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Well, if I want to make a special trip *just* for coloring books, my money goes to U.S. Toy on State Line Road. That place may very well be my favorite store on the face of the planet, even better than that little boutique in the French Quarter that sold nothing but amazingly elaborate drag queen wigs and glitter.

Posted by beatle919 (Marcy McGuffie) on December 6, 2007 at 6:21 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Oh my! This French Quarter store you speak of...intrigues me. *smiles*

Now, I'm getting completely off subject. Anyone ever been to Ozarkland??? That's one tacky-ass store. But, damn if they don't make good fudge! They also carry shot glasses with a variety representing several States. But, beware - underneath the price sticker, there is a warning that they contain lead. Very sneaky...

Yet, that hasn't stopped me from using them. I always warn guests though.

Posted by ladylaw (Terry Bush) on December 6, 2007 at 7:51 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Been to Ozarkland? HA! I spent many summers of my childhood LIVING in Ozarkland! LOL.

Stop using lead based drinking glasses Marcy!!! I will find yoy replacements! That stuff is really bad for brain cells (worse then liquor)!!

Ahhhh. French Quarter. Fond memories. I feel the need to return there soon....

Posted by DOTDOT (anonymous) on December 6, 2007 at 10:35 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Doesn't all "crystal" contain some lead? How much does this explain?

Posted by ladylaw (Terry Bush) on December 7, 2007 at 10:30 a.m. (Suggest removal)

The lead in real lead crystal has been coated and rendered safe by melting it at the high heats needed to make glass. Thus, the lead does not leech into foods etc. Lead toys or paints do not have their bad little atoms melded into molten glass, and thus are free to enter your blood stream. When she said the glasses had lead on them I (perhaps incorrectly) assumed she meant the painting or glazes. If it's LEAD GLASS, carry on and enjoy!

Posted by beatle919 (Marcy McGuffie) on December 7, 2007 at 1:37 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Honestly, I don't remember what the sticker said! It could be either or...I was just a bit concerned that they felt the need to put a warning on there.

Hmm...maybe I'll just stick to the known safe shot glasses and the others will just be for purty! LOL. I never have served guests w/these shot glasses...but, I've imbibed a time or two my self with 'em.

Posted by ladylaw (Terry Bush) on December 7, 2007 at 4:24 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Easy test - is the glass ALL glass? If so, not to worry. Does it have painted things on it or is it glazed some pretty color(s) on the inside or where the drink can touch the colors? If so, don't risk lead poisoning!

Transgressions In Parenting

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