Long live the douchetards

By Misty Nuckolls

Monday, October 22, 2007

Ah, the anonymity of the internet. A lot of people have been talking about it, recently, from folks getting canned for their “I hate my job sooooo much” blogs, to hysterical hand-wringing to the effect of, people having an anonymous forum on which to shoot their mouths off is going to be the downfall of society.

There are valid arguments on both sides of the debate, which I, of course, am going to completely disregard. I am far too lazy and undisciplined to have become a legitimate journalist, why the hell should I start acting like one now?

No one who has spent any amount of time interacting with other people in an online setting can throw stones about anonymity, or fibbing about who and what you really are, and what your life is like. Not a damned one of you. Because once you’re sitting at that terminal, with the window for blog comments or instant messaging or board postings blank before you, that cursor blinking, knowing that the person who reads what you’re about to type has no idea who you really are—none of you can honestly say you’ve been completely and totally the same person you would have been sitting across a table from the person, or people, with whom you’re communicating.

Because no matter what the would-be Mary Poppins of the world would like to believe, once you’re behind a mask of any sort, our carefully constructed social barriers fall.

Why the hell do you think costume balls, masques, and the like have always been so popular? Okay, so back in the day you *had* to know that it was really Lady Prissy McStuffyPants, portly wife of Sir Tightbum McStuffypants, behind that satin mask and feathered dress, but it was the *idea* of anonymity that allowed you to press her up against the balcony wall and shove your hand down her over-taxed bodice. When faces, or names—in short, identities—are concealed, all bets are off. We let go. It’s in our nature, whether we like it or not.

Internet anonymity is like booze and cigar smoke for the Isolation Age (nifty, eh? Coined the phrase myself). The high you get off logging-on under a lame username like b0wlcutAv3nger_16 and then venting all of the venomous, uncivil, racist, xenophobic, or just plain batshit-crazy crap that sometimes runs through your otherwise rational and tolerant brain . . . well, that’s what getting fucked up on cheap vodka and ’ludes used to be for.

It is intoxicating.

It’s cocaine, only cheap and legal and won’t put a hole in your nose. It’s ant-Ecstasy, in that you feel like telling everyone you come into contact with exactly what you feel about them, only instead of how beautiful and shining their spirit is, you let off with what a dicktard they are and how every sentence they’ve ever uttered is an abortion of a thought.

It’s a potent drug—it’s free, it’s legal, it’s more accessible than your mom’s cigarettes or your dad’s secret porn-and-bong stash.

And I’m not one to say it’s a bad thing. Much to the contrary—I personally believe that for some people, the faceless, nameless identities that can be established online can be, under the right circumstances, a liberating, even healing tool.

I’ve spent the better part of the last 15 years on the ’net, in one form or another, beginning with the very first BBS in Parsons, Kansas. And I’ve met so many people online…some I’ve never met in person, and thank my G-d for it; others I’ve met in real life, and been pleasantly surprised by what balanced individuals they turned out to be once the mask was stripped off.

I’ve known people who have carried on the deepest and most meaningful relationships of their lives with people whose real names they’ve never known, and been infinitely better for it. I’ve known people whose entire “real lives” have been consumed by the virtual reality that doesn’t care what they’re really like, as long as they can bullshit moderately well. I’m nearly 30, folks, I’ve been at this a while. Not as long as some, mind you, but I’ve earned my chops, you know?

Anyway. Myself, I like to see what people have to say when they don’t have to say it to your face. I enjoy lurking on various threads, just watching the interplay between people who know nothing tangible about each other, and never will, but are interacting based solely on comments made in the moment. It is discourse at its most chaotic level, and as such is not only entertaining, but very revealing.

If you’re going to post, anonymously or not, on any sort of forum, be it lawerence.com, or Fark, or just about any comment-driven media on the ‘net these days, you must be aware of the following:

Rules #3-7 (depending on how far from the original 4chan list your version has deviated):

We are Anonymous. Anonymous is legion. Anonymous never forgives. Anonymous can be a horrible, senseless, uncaring monster. Anonymous is still able to deliver.

When we sit down and spout off knowing that nobody who knows us, nobody whose opinion about us will ever have any bearing in our day-to-day lives, sometimes we speak the bald, ugly truth. The kind of truth we’d never say to someone’s face. Sometimes these are personal, like the many replies I have to send to the poor boys who message my fictitious Laura Palmer profile, messages that I reply to with “Sorry, hon, not only can you not recognize a cult-media icon, but your profile picture looks like you smell bad and that tiled photo of an underage animated Japanese schoolgirl you used as your tiled background are pretty much a guarantee that you’ll never make love to anything warmer than a microwave-able FleshLight, so get your shit together.”

You know, I take that back. Not sometimes, but always, they’re personal. Even when practically filibustering a forum with logically presented, immaculately researched arguments, when you do so anonymously, you are doing so because you don’t want these feats of (sometimes genius) argument to find their way back to your door. You’re speaking your mind, your deepest primal “this is what I think and I don’t give a flying fark what you think about it” motivations, and not having to edit what comes out of your virtual mouth for fear of social repercussion.

You are utterly free in speech, in other words. How can that not be a beautiful thing?

But what about the trolls, you say? What about those asshats who come onto our forums and discussions with the sole intent of stirring the pot, of typing the unspeakable, just to get a rise out of the reasonable folks?

These trolls, I say, are the saviors, not of free speech, but of logical argument and well-presented logic.

Not always. Not even most of the time. But sometimes, you run across a discussion where everyone posting is all “Right on!” about the topic . . . and then in creeps the troll. They say horrible things. They attack logical arguments with dubiously linked “facts.” They sling stereotypes and assumptions around like a skinned fox at a PETA demonstration.

These are the discussions I like to lurk in on the most. Because once someone comes in with that completely off-the-wall hyperbole, that’s when the *real* fun starts.

I’m prone to troll-feeding myself. When I post something that really hits someone’s button, I get off on that like a scat-fetishist at a waste-processing plant. Not just because I’m basically argumentative by nature (which I don’t deny), but because that’s when the real discourse starts.

Once someone posts as a troll, as an obvious dissenter with no purpose other than to disturb the civil discussion that was previously taking place—well, now, that’s when the “not-trolls” get interesting. In responding to the most banal, the most offensive of posts, with what they consider to be their most persuasive arguments . . . well, for me, that’s where the beauty of the internet is revealed.

I started my first blog in 2001 on a drunken bet as to how many death threats I’d receive within one month once I actually started telling people who weren’t married or otherwise related to me exactly what I thought about the flotsam I came across in a day’s internet surfing.

I wanted to piss people off, I wanted to push their buttons. Of course, my writing, as well as my psyche, has evolved over the years. But when I stumble across what we would call a “troll,” one whose comments seem so over-the-top as to be farcical and utterly dismissible . . . well, I can’t help but commiserate.

There are two utterly gorgeous things about internet anonymity that I will cherish until the day I die. The first being the freedom to verbally brawl with people that we might actually see every day, only behind perfect masks, to take out our aggressions on other human beings, their ideas and their religion and their lifestyles, without actually having to burn a cross in their yard or something in order to prove to ourselves what philosophically superior badasses we are.

One, there’s the pimple-popping “there, I showed that turd” satisfaction that’s immediate, but if we’re not complete jackasses, it eventually goes deeper than that. Once something is expressed to other people, it is much more likely to be reexamined in light of those peoples’ responses to whatever the hell it is that you shot your virtual mouth off about.

The second is that it’s the trolls are what keep us lazy, un-intellectual Americans taxing our brains to defend our points of view. We are not taught logic, we are not taught debate, we are not taught philosophy or the classical bases of rational thought in our country’s schools. For so many of my generation, and those to follow, the only *real* practice we get with argument and citation and all of that logical shit is when we’re faced with a troll who attacks our point of view, our carefully thought-out arguments, the opinions we base our lives on.

So I say, long live the trolls. Long live the anonymous “I’m gonna slash your tires if I ever find out who the hell you really are” interweb cowboys. Long live the douchetards that come onto every political forum and Godwin* themselves in their post’s first sentence. Long live the Legion Anonymous, and their great and glorious power to force the rest of us to seriously think through our arguments and viewpoints, and then post our research, even though we know damn good and well that Anonymous will most likely never read, much less consider, them.

The Legion Anonymous, the trolls that come onto our boards and spew nonsensical filth and bullshit—they’re what keep this grand machine we call our internet grinding along.

Well, ok—Porn, trolls, and Ebay, in that order.

Feed the trolls. It’s good for you, it’s good for your reasoning faculties, and it’s good for America. Somehow, I’m sure.

*Note: Godwin’s law (paraphrased): The first person in an online debate to liken his opponent’s political figure/philosophy to Hitler and/or the Nazi regime, has automatically lost the argument.

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Posted by Dominic_Sova (anonymous) on October 22, 2007 at 5:51 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Hear, hear

Thanks.

Marion.

Posted by Tempus (anonymous) on October 22, 2007 at 6:59 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Off-topic: Are you going to NaNo this year? Me hopes so.

Posted by alm77 (anonymous) on October 23, 2007 at 8:26 a.m. (Suggest removal)

"none of you can honestly say you’ve been completely and totally the same person you would have been sitting across a table from the person, or people, with whom you’re communicating."

You got that right. I can read, reread and *edit* what I'm going say online. And, yet, somehow, I still manage to stick my foot in my mouth... how does that happen??

Posted by mitzibel (Misty Nuckolls) on October 23, 2007 at 9 a.m. (Suggest removal)

Tempus---Depends. I'm going in for a laproscopic look-see at my ovaries and their surrounding territories on Friday, so if it turns out I'm going to have to spend the first part of the month dealing with doctors and surgeries and prescription narcotics, then no. Otherwise, hell yeah, I've been making notes on my idea for a month now.

Posted by Snoop (anonymous) on October 23, 2007 at 9:04 a.m. (Suggest removal)

This is not really Snoop, I’m another anonymous Negro pretending to be Snoop!

Using the same line as Alm77...

"none of you can honestly say you’ve been completely and totally the same person you would have been sitting across a table from the person, or people, with whom you’re communicating."

Now Misty you know that tis not true... I’m an equal opportunity asshole!
But good meds have mellowed me a bit!

Posted by bloozman (anonymous) on October 23, 2007 at 9:14 a.m. (Suggest removal)

Much of what you say may be true today, but back during the Third Reich ...

Posted by DOTDOT (anonymous) on October 23, 2007 at 10:08 a.m. (Suggest removal)

Yeah, well, as usual, you are full of shit. Godwin's law says absolutely nothing about winning or losing or using Hitler against your opponent. Your "paraphrase" is not a paraphrase, but a complete invention. How can you sleep at night knowing that you are corrupting the minds of your readers? I bet you don't. Are you trying to out Hitler Hitler?

Jewess.

Posted by DOTDOT (anonymous) on October 23, 2007 at 10:09 a.m. (Suggest removal)

A little weak, but I tried.

Posted by mitzibel (Misty Nuckolls) on October 23, 2007 at 10:14 a.m. (Suggest removal)

And don't think I don't appreciate the effort, m'dear ;)

Posted by DOTDOT (anonymous) on October 23, 2007 at 10:17 a.m. (Suggest removal)

And to paraphrase "Snoop" - Good meds have yanked the spirit of these blogs out by their dripping roots.

Posted by mitzibel (Misty Nuckolls) on October 23, 2007 at 11:07 a.m. (Suggest removal)

I know. You'll just have to deal with it; with a loss of venemous genius has also come a growing ability to interact with other human beings without wondering whether I'd prefer to disembowel or crucify them, and I'm kind of happy about that.

Posted by Snoop (anonymous) on October 23, 2007 at 11:55 a.m. (Suggest removal)

Well DOT, I must admit, I got more fired up back in the day because Law.com was full of fun nemeses. It was new and fresh and I looked forward to seeing what people had to say.
Frankly, it got old. I can rant to my own little blog valley and although I know there are some who might be shocked or outraged or maybe even laugh at my anonymous antics it like people sitting along Mass Street or in a sidewalk cafe checking out what folks are wearing, who they are with, hairstyles, nice asses (yes I’m a pig y’all do it too I just admit it) hell you don’t know the names, where they are from, where they work or anything else about them.

I don’t care about the anonymous thingy, when I go to a over the top racist site like Stormfront, weird blog handles aside, those people are REAL.
Some of the crazies I read on Ron Paul websites are REAL, or on left wing sites, or the 9/11 truth folks, those people are REAL.

Why do I have to know your name to properly evaluate you, we segregate ourselves in the real world. One your race, religion, background, sometimes age, political leanings become apparent you are still put in a category.
The same people who would diss you in real life would shun what you have to say anyway, you people think being anonymous matters? This is why you get the trolls; they fell like they NEED to inject themselves into the conversations, they want to “matter.”
Just like radio talk show callers, few ever have anything meaningful to say, but dammit, several thousand people for 60 seconds are forced to hear what I have to say.

Never mind the idiots all waist time and start the call by asking the host “hey how ya doin, thanks for taking my call”, like we care, did you not hear the previous caller ask how the guy was doing, are you stupid?!!!!.........

Sorry off topic.....bad troll, bad troll!

Posted by DOTDOT (anonymous) on October 23, 2007 at 1:25 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Did you just say I had a nice ass?

Uhh, thanks.

Posted by justthefacts (anonymous) on October 23, 2007 at 4:09 p.m. (Suggest removal)

I am not sure how I feel about being anonymous when trying to attack others. On one hand, anonymity facilitates more honesty in terms of raw feelings. On the other, it facilitates mean spirited conduct that would not occur but for the wall of safety. Over all, I favor personal accountability and polite behavior over the quick hit and wit favored by trolls. That said, the freedom to let it "all hang out" is hard to give up. SO I remain anonymous, but do not attack. Seems like a fair trade.

Posted by synapsis (anonymous) on October 23, 2007 at 6:12 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Ernest Hemingway once said, "Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."

Words everyone should live by.

But your blog makes me wonder what he'd have said about people who mouth off online but don't have the conviction to put their name next to their statements.

He was kinda into big game hunting... I bet troll looks good when stuffed and mounted on the wall.

Matt

Posted by DOTDOT (anonymous) on October 23, 2007 at 9:37 p.m. (Suggest removal)

"But your blog makes me wonder what he'd have said about people who mouth off online but don't have the conviction to put their name next to their statements."

Hemingway was not stupid. Anonymity is not the opposite of conviction. Hemingway never realized how much googlejuice he'd have. Do you?

Frank

Posted by OnShakedown (Chris Tackett) on October 23, 2007 at 10:17 p.m. (Suggest removal)

misty, i think you've got Godwin's Law a bit wrong.

from wikipedia: "As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one."

Posted by smerdyakov (anonymous) on October 23, 2007 at 11:10 p.m. (Suggest removal)

SNOOOP! My homey! Bring it fool... I've been waiting too too long to see your ass in this space again. Damn, it's good to read your handle, to feel your handle, mmm...damn.

Posted by mitzibel (Misty Nuckolls) on October 24, 2007 at 7:59 a.m. (Suggest removal)

Ah, see, I'd always heard it as it's referred to in the wiki entry's "corrolaries and usage" section: "There is a tradition in many newsgroups and other Internet discussion forums that once such a comparison is made, the thread is finished and whoever mentioned the Nazis has automatically "lost" whatever debate was in progress. This principle is itself frequently referred to as Godwin's law."

Posted by Snoop (anonymous) on October 24, 2007 at 10:22 a.m. (Suggest removal)

smerdyakov What’s up dude, hey I have an idea, a bunch of us should one evening when it’s raining or snowy and folks don’t feel like getting out, all of us get on our computers at a designated time, have one of these bloggers post some crazy controversial subject
George Bush’s illegal war or Hillary the smartest “person” in the history of the world”
My teeth were grinding as I typed that....I wonder why?
We all can be at our computers drinking shots or inhaling our favorite herbal substance and have a good ole fashioned Law.com “blog Ho Down” and go at it! Set a comment record, relive the old days of Law.com. Who’s wit me!

Posted by DOTDOT (anonymous) on October 24, 2007 at 11:18 a.m. (Suggest removal)

Wikipedia is Hitler's charred bony hand reaching out from the grave.

Snoop - I know you're busy with PPP, but an elldotcom "Snoops Place" would help bring the balance back.

Bring it back (back)
Bring it back (back)

Posted by ladylaw (Terry Bush) on October 24, 2007 at 12:01 p.m. (Suggest removal)

I'm not sure how I feel about people saying mean nasty things to or about each other, with or without being anonymous. The theme in the silly movie "Ghostbusters II" showed how the "evil" ghosts thrived off the bad feelings and deeds of humans, while the sweet charitable side of humanity killed off the evil (eventually). I know I am a bit of a "pollyanna" (despite a lot of evidence that humans are really not all that nice a lot of the time), but I like to HELP fight the darkness, not add to it by sniping from behind the curtain. Besides, eventually, don't you think most people's true nature comes out when posting comments? Sort of like how most people's deepest nature comes out when they drink too much? That's why I am never sure if someone who has been a true troll isn't at least a misanthrope, deep down. On the other hand, there are and always will be sadists and masochists among us. Let's hope they find each other and leave the rest of us in peace! LOL.

Posted by Dazie (Aileen Dingus) on October 24, 2007 at 7:11 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Well, I must say I've done quite a bit more self-censoring since my real name got attached to this particular profile. Especially during the job hunt days, I didn't feel like I could afford the luxury of calling someone an asshat or drunkposting my deepest and darkest.

However, there are days I admit, that getting into a riproaring "brawl" online can be fun.

DOTDOT- ass. ;)

Posted by DOTDOT (anonymous) on October 24, 2007 at 8:54 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Enough about MY ASS!!!

This is embarrassing.

Posted by ladylaw (Terry Bush) on October 24, 2007 at 10:04 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Note to self: Check out dot dot's ass at next opportunity.....

Posted by mitzibel (Misty Nuckolls) on October 25, 2007 at 1:06 a.m. (Suggest removal)

He's got the general flat white-boy ass, hon. Nothing spectacular.

It's the excrement he spews from the other end of his digestive tract that's so damned entertaining.

Sorry.

/married a man with a great ass
//spoiled for all others, mostly because I've had male roommates.

Posted by DOTDOT (anonymous) on October 25, 2007 at 6:50 a.m. (Suggest removal)

Nothing spectacular
ralucatceps gnihtoN
Nothing spectacular
ralucatceps gnihtoN
Nothing spectacular
ralucatceps gnihtoN
Nothing spectacular
ralucatceps gnihtoN
Nothing spectacular...

Posted by mitzibel (Misty Nuckolls) on October 25, 2007 at 8:37 a.m. (Suggest removal)

Uh oh, I must have either hurt thetom's feelings or shorted a circuit in his botbrain. Reboot, thetom, REBOOT! Control-Alt-Delete!

Posted by DOTDOT (anonymous) on October 25, 2007 at 8:54 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Hurt feelings? Actually the opposite. My ass is proud to be compared, however unfavorably, to your mans. It's akin to someone calling your daughter the second cutest little girl in the world, or mentioning that Franz Liszt was a better pianist, or Pavarotti a better singer.

It makes me feel young, vibrant, and, well, SPECTACULAR.

And the three finger salute, while always a good idea when dealing with Redmond, is, in my case, a waste of time.

Long live the douchetards

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