Ladies and Gentlemen, this is an election

By Bill Hoyt

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Falling bridges, frostbite, and almost making the playoffs every year aside, Minnesotans have all the fun:

ROCHESTER, Minn. (AP) - Al Franken won a resounding endorsement for the U.S. Senate on Saturday from Minnesota Democrats, quickly dispatching with concerns about jokes that offended some and promising a tough challenge to Republican Sen. Norm Coleman.

Minnesota is a place of strange politics. They don't have Republican and Democratic parties, they have the DFL (Democrat-Farmer-Labor) and the IR (Independent-Republican) parties. They have a primary election after the parties' nominations so the voters are perfectly free to, and occasionally do, put someone completely different on the November ballot. And they've had a former pro wrestler as governor, elected as a member of neither of those parties.

When I was there a couple of weeks ago, I heard rumors that 2-time AWA Southern Heavyweight champion Jesse "The Body" Ventura was thinking about getting in the senate race, which right now is slated to be between the moderately funny Franken and moderately Republican Norm Coleman, the guy Jesse beat to become governor a few years ago*. And I was thinking, why does the rest of the country have to put up with politicians when Minnesota gets to elect people who are at the very least entertaining**? There have to be other states that can follow Minnesota's lead here and give the people what they really want.

So here are a few recommendations for my fellow voters. If we can't make the Senate wiser, at least we*** can make it more fun.

New York: other than the fact that he's dead****, Henny Youngman would be a perfect senator. I can just see the eyes of the other senators rolling when for the hundredth time he yields the floor by saying, "Take the balance of my time ... please." Followed by violins, of course.

North Carolina: Whoooooo! Can there be any doubt that Nature Boy Ric Flair would make a great senator? The day he hits Harry Reid over the head with a folding chair is the day C-Span II is worth watching.

Ohio: If someone wants to send a Muslim to Washington, they can certainly do better than Minnesota's Keith Ellison. DC-born Dave Chappelle gets the nod here, although his Black White Supremist bit might cause some to implode in fits of liberal angst-confusion.

California: Carlos Mencia, baby. Mocking idiots from the Senate floor would be a marked improvement over collecting them there.

Colorado: Matt Stone and Trey Parker are naturals. If they presented animated shorts featuring the other senators during otherwise uneventful subcommittee hearings, that would just be icing on the cake.

There are a ton of other people who we need in Washington, too: Gary "whachutalkimbout, Senator?" Coleman, that chick with the diaper from NASA, Michael Jackson, Jenna Jameson.

After all, if we are going to be a nation of bread and circuses, the least they can do is make the circuses worth watching.

*Along with Hubert H. "Skip" Humphrey III. Having a metrodome named after your dad is not enough to get you to the top in Minnesota.

**Admittedly, they're not the ONLY ones. Georgia sent Cooter to the House, as Iowa sent Gopher and California sent Sonny Bono. But they were bit players, buried in with 431 black holes of entertainment and Cynthia McKinney.

***these recommendations are for others, as the home front, unfortunately, comes up short. All of Kansas' most famous people are safely dead. Carrie Nation, Wilt Chamberlain, even Charlie Parker. But if West Virginia can send Robert Byrd, we ought to be able to send Wilt Chamberlain. So long as he promises not to sleep with Barbara Mikulski. On second thought, Gayle Sayers it must be. We just can't take that chance.

****Strom Thurmond was dead for a decade and a half. That never stopped him.

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Posted by DOTDOT (anonymous) on June 11, 2008 at 9:42 a.m. (Suggest removal)

If famous and entertaining bloggers were considered, then Kansas has more than a few offerings. Elborak? Snoop? Misty "Knuckles" Nuckolls?

Posted by El_Borak (Bill Hoyt) on June 11, 2008 at 10:11 a.m. (Suggest removal)

Jilla

Posted by Joel (Joel Mathis) on June 11, 2008 at 10:45 a.m. (Suggest removal)

"All of Kansas' most famous people are safely dead."

Not this guy:
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000454/

Or, hell, THIS guy:
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000388/

Or, heck, THESE guys:
http://www.kansasband.com/

C'mon, Bill!

Posted by El_Borak (Bill Hoyt) on June 11, 2008 at 11:15 a.m. (Suggest removal)

Yeah, I forgot Kirstie Alley and Ed Asner, too. but Kansas isn't really Kansas without Kerry Livgren, is it? It's kinda like the Lynard Skynard that's still on tour. I went to see them, but still...

Posted by BobDarkAvenger (anonymous) on June 11, 2008 at 12:04 p.m. (Suggest removal)

I prefer having Carlos Mencia confined to one channel where he can be easily avoided.

Posted by dolores2175 (April Fleming) on June 11, 2008 at 4:11 p.m. (Suggest removal)

I agree with Bob.

Posted by DOTDOT (anonymous) on June 11, 2008 at 4:40 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Lynyrd Skynyrd

Posted by DOTDOT (anonymous) on June 11, 2008 at 4:41 p.m. (Suggest removal)

GODjilla

Posted by alm77 (anonymous) on June 11, 2008 at 6:11 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Um, wait a minute. Wasn't there a certain *eh hem* someone already trying to get our own Scary Manilow into politics last election season? Yeah, I am so ahead of the trends....

Posted by godjilla (Jill Ensley) on June 11, 2008 at 11:40 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Awww.

Posted by El_Borak (Bill Hoyt) on June 12, 2008 at 10:54 a.m. (Suggest removal)

Oh, what sad times are these when DOTDOT corrects my spelling. And is right.

Posted by DOTDOT (anonymous) on June 12, 2008 at 9:14 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Dem to werdz iz sacrud dounnair wear ah com frum.

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is an election

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