This World Makes My Head Spin

By Rob Gillaspie

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Gaze now upon a man with too much food on his plate. Metaphorically, that is-- having already frontloaded my schedule with three jobs, a fabulous rock band, and a hectic movie shoot, I decided that having one free day a week was simply too luxurious for me. I sent out a psychic call to the aether, and before you could scream "STRESS RELATED HEART FAILURE," I was blessed with an extra Sunday night bartending shift, and have thusly gained entrance to that elite cadre of individuals known as "The Seven Day A Weekers," or in layman's terms, "Morons."

A trip down memory lane: It was a scant twleve months ago that I indulged in a life of leisure. I worked five shifts a week, slept in till noon, and had fistfuls of pocket money to spare. Now I barely have time to eat or shit, and somehow I'm barely making ends meet. Have times really gotten so tight in the past year? This sudden shift in lifestyle has greyed my back hair prematurely. It ain't right, I tell ya!

What I need to do is come up with some kind of sucker's play, something to bilk the rooby-dubes of their hard earned sawbucks, something that preys upon the low-end sensibilities of the slobbering neanderthals who voted us into this pit to begin with. The gaping assholes of the world are just quivering for the Next Dumb Thing to cram their openings with-- how else can you explain the grim reality of MOUNTAIN DEW FLAVORED DORITOS?

These things exist-- I've seen them with my own two eyes. When offered a sample, I could only back away slowly and whimper. The target market for this product is pretty obvious: mud-truckin', gut-pickin', chaw-spittin', Pantera-blastin' crackerspawn looking forward to twelve solid hours of gunning down whole villages of screaming brown children via the latest military-sponsored video game crapfest. There isn't any caffeine in this latest crop of frankenfood-- which blows my mind, since I can't imagine anyone actually drinks Mountain Dew for the TASTE-- but I'm certain that the chemical combination required to bring this creature to life is enough to render even the spermiest consumer permanently sterile. Which is great, because we all know what happens when these yokels start spurting out crotchfruit, right?

Enough said.

Even more from the "I wish I'd thought of it first" department-- Why aren't I squeezing credit points from the gullible fucks who frequent THESE sites?

I would have included actual links with these screencaps, but honestly, I don't want to run the risk that one of you will click on through and somehow justify their existence.

You might think my limited free time is consumed by scouring the earth for things to complain about. Not so, Dear Readers-- in fact, lately I've found myself overwhelmed with new and exciting interests, and I'm just bursting at the seams to share them with you!

First off, there's this new cat that's been hanging around our yard... Curvacia has taken to calling him Blanche, because "he always depends on the kindness of strangers." It's a shame that anyone would abandon this poor guy-- and he was OBVIOUSLY abandoned, as evidenced by his desperate calls for affection when he roams the neighborhood. He crawls into our laps and lets us rub his belly, which isn't something a typical stray would do. And he has the cutest little punched-in face, with a lip that curls up on one side and a dashing scar above his right eyebrow.

Then there's this vintage advertisement, which is so astounding I don't even need to comment on it:

Someone in San Francisco altered cable-car billboard so that it advertises the obvious: EVERYONE WANTS TO BLOW A MAN IN UNIFORM.

The 1931 pre-Hayes code version of The Maltese Falcon (also known as Dangerous Female) is a thing of wonder, indeed. It's extra sleazy, flamboyant as hell, and it even has Dwight Frye in it, whom I wish I would have patterned my entire life after:

The band X is hardly a new interest of mine-- I just wanted to add their picture here because they're the best looking band on the planet and should be a constant source of inspiration to anyone with an ounce of taste:

Also, I just scored a sweet linen shirt that will surely make me the talk of the town. Unsurpassed comfort!

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Posted by dolores2175 (April Fleming) on June 20, 2008 at 9:31 a.m. (Suggest removal)

I haven't seen the Dew-flavored Doritos, but I sure have seen the "mystery flavor" ones at Dillon's. I ran screaming from that one, too.

And safe plastic wigs? I didn't think I was so out of sync as a consumer.

Posted by dolores2175 (April Fleming) on June 20, 2008 at 9:32 a.m. (Suggest removal)

Ah, the chip picture didn't load the first time. Mystery flavor = Dew flavor. I was right to be alarmed.

Posted by Shelby (anonymous) on June 20, 2008 at 8:07 p.m. (Suggest removal)

I must admit, my stupid and curious self decided to try the mystery flavor. They were sweet, green, and gross. Sadly, I couldn't help but keep eating them so as to nail down the mystery flavor. I thought it might be mojito or something.

But mt. dew sounds about right. Ugh.

Posted by smerdyakov (anonymous) on June 24, 2008 at 12:59 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Many thanks for the ray of sunshine. HI larious

Posted by matt (Matt Armstrong) on June 24, 2008 at 1:42 p.m. (Suggest removal)

I thought the mystery flavor was Hot Dog. Mystery!

Posted by scary_manilow (anonymous) on June 24, 2008 at 4:03 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Hot Dog mystery sounds revolting, yet vaguely alluring...

Posted by bwoodard (Bill Woodard) on June 26, 2008 at 4:03 p.m. (Suggest removal)

Hot Dog Mystery would be a terrific band name, actually.

Posted by scary_manilow (anonymous) on June 27, 2008 at 9:47 a.m. (Suggest removal)

What would the Mystery be? Cheese filling? Herpes? Solving this one is half the fun!

This World Makes My Head Spin

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