Lawrence.com

I'm spoiled. Two weeks before Christmas my folks gave me a big-screen TV. And here I am bitching about what I didn't get for Christmas.

But my complaints are valid. I was especially good this year. Actually, my parents did fine. I think what's really bugging me is that not a single reader sent me a gift. Every Thursday I give you good people something to line your birdcage with, and yet I didn't even receive a lousy Christmas card from any of you folks. Make a brother feel unappreciated, why don't you!

But I'll give you another chance. New Year's is this week, which gives everyone the perfect opportunity for a resolution. My 25th birthday arrives April 26, so you can resolve to mark the calendar and get me something nice for that special day. I'm sure you'll be able to find me under a table at Rick's Place. Oh, but you don't know what to get? Allow me to offer a few suggestions:

� Six pack of plastic beer bottles � for those times when I'm overcome with rage and want to throw something on the field. Better make it a 12-pack if I'm watching the Chiefs, I need the extra painkillers. "Trent Green got sacked again? Now we're both comfortably numb." Do they make plastic Jack Daniels bottles?

� An official K-State putter. My short game is awful. My long game is too, but I don't want anyone spending big bucks on a driver for me. This putter is a quality item. But it has a Powercat emblazoned on the top of it. Whenever I miss a putt, I could just blame it on the ugliness that is the Powercat. And then, when I get really mad and launch my putter into the air, it'll be cathartic to see the Powercat drowning in a lake. So maybe you all should get me two, that way I don't run out of K-State putters too soon.

� Socks. I can always use socks.

� A fake goatee. This is insane. I'm practically gray-headed at 24 but I still couldn't pull off a goatee if my life depended on it. I'm a writer, and "real" writers are supposed to have facial hair. I want to be able to grow facial hair like Mag editor Jon Niccum. That guy could make Ming the Merciless look like a babyface. If I could have his facial hair, my readership would double and I'd probably get a raise. People take sports writers with goatees seriously. Just ask Jason Whitlock or Joe Posnanski. Do me a favor and draw a goatee on my picture with a black pen. See? Don't I look like I know what I'm talking about? OK, you can stop with the pen now. No need to add the horns and the black eye, punk.

� A Mr. T bobblehead doll. "I don't hate him, but I pity the fool." Mr. T is the coolest guy to ever wear a mohawk. He even pulls off the inherently lame role of Inspector Collect on those phone call commercials. If a goatee doesn't make me look tough, keeping a Mr. T bobblehead doll at my desk surely will. Or maybe I could just go for my own mohawk. ... Don't mess with the Caucasian Clubber Lang, baby!

� Comic books. See: socks.

� Grammatica brothers sports bloopers video. Because every time I see Arizona Cardinals kicker Bill Grammatica celebrate his field goal with a jump-kick and then fall and blow his ACL, I can't help but laugh. That's mean, I know, but don't worry, I'll get mine. Last time I started laughing about Grammatica, I bit my tongue so hard it started bleeding.

� "The Ten Ways to Better Your R�sum�" by George O'Leary. Here I've been struggling with not making any huge career jumps, but now I can learn from the former Notre Dame coach how to impress my bosses with what I may or may not have done. And besides that, I've always wanted to try my hand at fiction writing.

� More column ideas. Because I obviously didn't have one this week.

Happy holidays, everyone.