Ghost of Nostradamus gazes into the future, via vonHolten

The following is a Halloween online chat with the ghost of Nostradamus, via Tim vonHolten, host of "The Turnpike" on Sunflower Broadband's channel 6.

In the chat, vonHolten "channeled" Nostradamus through his quatrains (four-line poems) that supposedly reveal the future. VonHolten then helped to interpret the cryptic prophetic message from the 16th century for those submitting questions.

The chat took place on Friday, Oct. 31, and is now closed, but you can read the full transcript on this page.

vonHolstradamus: Hey, sorry I'm late. I was in the water closet. . . IN THE PAST!!! send me Youre Olde questions and I'll translate them from middle English or something.

vonHolstradamus: Let's take our firste questionne, shall we?

Jimmy: Dear Mr. Nostradamus: I want to go trick or treating tonight in Lawrence. Where should I go, and even more importantly, will I get a lot of candy? Please look into the future for me.

vonHolstradamus: Hello, Jimmy,
Under the land of the round lunar globe,
When Mercury will be dominating:
The isle of Scotland will produce a luminary,
One who will put the English into confusion.

Tim vonHolten here. . .I'm pretty sure Mr. Nosty is talking about Billy Connolly, who took Howard Hessman's place on Head of the Class. Remember that show? I don't know what he's talking about, really.

vonHolstradamus: after a vigorous shaking, Nosty reveals that the Lawrence merchants will be handing out treats from 5 p.m. to 6:30 p.m.

Inanna: Please tell me if I was a goddess in a past life.

vonHolstradamus: The blond one will come to compromise the fork-nosed one
Through the duel and will chase him out:
The exiles within he will have restored,
Committing the strongest to the marine places.

vonHolstradamus: The field of the temple of the vestal virgin,
Not far from Elne and the Pyrenees mountains:
The great tube is hidden in the trunk.
To the north rivers overflown and vines battered.

vonHolstradamus: Which is to say, if you're blonde, you probably were a goddess. But you got too close to the great tube. Sorry.

The Feds: This chat is in violation of EPA guidelines. Could you say hi to my grandma?

vonHolstradamus: The minor son of the great and hated Prince,
He will have a great touch of leprosy at the age of twenty:
Of grief his mother will die very sad and emaciated,
And he will die where the loose flesh falls.

vonHolstradamus: Dude. I don't think she wants to talk to you. I could be wrong. Sorry. No wait. I can't be wrong.

thor: Are these underpants too tight?

vonHolstradamus: After the files the ass-drivers burned,
They will be obliged to change diverse garbs:
Those of Saturn burned by the millers,
Except the greater part which will not be covered.

vonHolstradamus: thor. . .
I'm pretty sure that's a yes.

ekgnyks: Will I be proposed to by my current boyfriend?

vonHolstradamus: In place of the bride the daughters slaughtered,
Murder with great error no survivor to be:
Within the well vestals inundated,
The bride extinguished by a drink of Aconite.

vonHolstradamus: Well, I guess if you're the bride you'll be OK, but to hedge your bets I'd dump him. Yep.

Bobby: Mr. Nostradamus:
Isn't Halloween -- and channeling the spirits of the dead -- evil? Really?

vonHolstradamus: There will be unleashed live fire, hidden death,
Horrible and frightful within the globes,
By night the city reduced to dust by the fleet,
The city afire, the enemy amenable.

vonHolstradamus: I guess it's no more evil than calling yourself Bobby. But seriously, Bobby, maybe you should channel some spine.

skyngke: Does my current girlfriend expect me to propose to her?

vonHolstradamus: Maybe you and ekgnyks should hook up. I think you're made for each other. Wait, this just in from NOSTRADAMUS!!!

vonHolstradamus: The child will be born with two teeth in his mouth,
Stones will fall during the rain in Tuscany:
A few years after there will be neither wheat nor barley,
To satiate those who will faint from hunger.

vonHolstradamus: So I wouldn't get near her with a ten-foote pike. Two teeth in his mouth. Creepy.

Chrissy: oh great and mighty soothsayer, tell me what my future holds

vonHolstradamus: Hunchback will be elected by the council,
A more hideous monster not seen on earth,
The willing blow will put out his eye:
The traitor to the King received as faithful.

Hey, at least you get to be on the council.

Jacob Marley: So, Dr. Nostradamus, will I ever be able to rid myself of these heavy chains?

vonHolstradamus: Cock, dogs and cats will be satiated with blood
And from the wound of the tyrant found dead,
At the bed of another legs and arms broken,
He who was not afraid to die a cruel death.

Wow. Doesn't look good, does it?

ret2go: Will I be 'getting some' tonight? What strategies might I employ to further my quest?

vonHolstradamus: Beaten to death by rods for treason,
Captured he will be overcome through his disorder:
Frivolous counsel held out to the great captive,
When Berich will come to bite his nose in fury.

vonHolstradamus: Hold on. Nosty feels your question merits two quatrains.
The elder royal one on a frisky horse
will spur so fiercely that it will bolt.
Mouth, mouthful, foot complaining in the embrace;
dragged, pulled, to die horribly.

vonHolstradamus: Stay away from farms and you'll definitely get some. Some what, we have no idea.

Jessica: Will there ever be another war on American soil, and if so, when?

vonHolstradamus: Finally, the fire and brimstone crap I live for. Let me think.

vonHolstradamus: The large mastiff expelled from the city
Will be vexed by the strange alliance,
After having chased the stag to the fields
The wolf and the Bear will defy each other.

vonHolstradamus: Through the fall of two bastard creatures
the nephew of the blood will occupy the throne.
Within Lectoure there will be blows of lances,
the nephew through fear will fold up his standard.

vonHolstradamus: Wow, I had no idea Hawaii and Peru were so upset with each other.

Haveth Childers Everywhere: Mr. Nostradamus:
Do you like IBM or Microsoft for long term growth?

vonHolstradamus: I have no idea what you're talking about, but I sure do love me some wenches.

vonHolstradamus: The trumpet shakes with great discord.
An agreement broken: lifting the face to heaven:
the bloody mouth will swim with blood;
the face anointed with milk and honey lies on the ground.

Yeah, blue is definitely your boy.

vonHolstradamus: Wait, I just realized I inadvertently answered a question that hadn't even been asked. Here it comes now.

frank the tank: Is Blue still my boy?

vonHolstradamus: Yeah, that was worth the wait. I was old school when old school was olde schoole.

gamer von lichtenstein: Hi Nosty- Predict what percentage of meat eaters will never touch meat again after the rage video on

vonHolstradamus: In the third month, at sunrise,
the Boar and the Leopard meet on the battlefield.
The fatigued Leopard looks up to heaven
and sees an eagle playing around the sun.
The young lion will overcome the older one,
in a field of combat in single fight:
He will pierce his eyes in their golden cage;
two wounds in one, then he dies a cruel death.

vonHolstradamus: mmmmmmmm, lion.

vonHolstradamus: OK, we have "time" (get it - in my day I was known as quite a carde) for one more question. G'head.

slim: Will the real Nostradamus please stand up?

vonHolstradamus: Let those who read this verse consider it profoundly,
Let the profane and the ignorant herd keep away:
And far away all Astrologers, Idiots and Barbarians,
May he who does otherwise be subject to the sacred rite.

vonHolstradamus: So get outta my hizzouse. In the meantime, keep it real. I've got to get back to my time, where I've got plague to look forward to. Sweet. Women are really desperate once all the men die.


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