The Week That Wasn't

Wherein we confuse the news with fabricated refuse

LEW PERKINS TO DONATE 10 SEASON TICKETS TO THE BOYS AND GIRLS CLUB OF LAWRENCE: In an effort to "encourage a climate of kindness and charity in our community," University of Kansas athletic director Lew Perkins announced last week that 10 season tickets would be designated for discretionary use by the Boys and Girls Club. The youth support group said it planned to use the tickets as a means for encouraging local troubled youths to persevere in overcoming adverse life situations. "This has always been my vision," said Perkins.

KJHK ADJUSTS PROGRAMMING SCHEDULE BASED ON LISTENERS' TASTES: Administrators at Kansas Unions announced that starting next semester University of Kansas radio station KJHK 90.7 FM will drop many of its "special" programs in favor of music typically categorized under "college radio." The new format will completely eschew music typically categorized under "electronic noises from a Macintosh" in favor of a more consistent offering of music that attempts to reach a wider audience than the previously sought "KJHK staff" demographic.

LAWRENCE PERENNIAL PARKING PROBLEM SOLVED BY EXERCISE: The Lawrence City Commission removed all references to "the Lawrence parking problem" from their agenda last week, instead urging Lawrence citizens to, "get up off your fat asses." The former hot-button issue, which included the construction of a multi-level parking garage at Tenth and N.H. streets and plans to widen N.H. St. will be replaced with debate over the recent rise in Lawrence parking violation fines. Protestors of the new policy expressed frustration with having to park several car widths away from city hall and hold their own picket signs.

LAWRENCE CLUB OWNERS NEARLY DECIDE TO MOVE UP CONCERT TIMES IN AN EFFORT TO ACCOMMODATE THE UN-UNEMPLOYED: Lawrence promoters and club owners met last week to discuss ways of improving concert attendance and nearly determined that allowing people with daytime jobs to go to shows could increase the "people coming to shows-esque" quality of the Lawrence music scene. Unfortunately before a consensus was reached on the matter, the midnight meeting at a local venue was cut short due to the starting of the night's opening act.

"INDISCERNIBLE BASS COMING FROM TRUNK" NAMED OFFICIAL LAWRENCE SONG: Last week the winner was announced in the selection of the city's official song. Contestants were judged on "universal appeal," "inspiration," and "vibration." Runners-up in the competition were "Muffled Kenny Chesney Heard Beneath Shouted Racial Epithet" and "Deafening Sporting Event During Poor to Mediocre Meal."

KANSAS STATE LOTTERY CONTINUES TO GENERATE INVALUABLE FUNDS FOR EDUCATION: The Kansas State Lottery is set this week to unveil a new slogan - "Kansas Skratchies: Totally Not Preying on the Misplaced Hopes of the Undeducated Lower Classes!" - based on their continuing efforts to bolster the Kansas public education system. The marketing campaign will also include magazine and newspaper advertisements targeting conscientious parents with headlines such as "Creating your child's education from Skratch!" and "Sophocles?! It's easier to say 'Skratchies'!"

POPULAR GAME MANUFACTURER TO FEATURE LAWRENCE'S MASSACHUSETTS STREET:Parker Brothers announced that the Park Place square on its flagship game "Monopoly" will be replaced by Massachusetts Street, Lawrence. The game's traditionally most expensive square will continue to feature few amenities and unrealistically high rent. "As far as low return for high investment, Park Place was always the king," said a spokesperson for Monopoly. "I mean, even with six hotels, it was still just a square. But when we saw Lawrence's real estate prices and cost of living compared to its income level, we knew we had our new jewel in the crown."

EAST LAWRENCE TO RECEIVE OFFICIAL GULAG STATUS: In an effort to codify the already flourishing spirit of geographic exclusion, the Lawrence city commission voted this week to erect a large concrete wall around East Lawrence. The 10-foot high, 5-foot thick, razor-wire-topped "Friendship Fence" will replace Haskell Avenue as the official western border of the recently rechristened "Down-and-Outskirts!" Similar structures will be placed along Harper, 11th and 23rd streets. "Good fences make good neighbors," said city commission insider. "And this will give those people the unique opportunity to repair their crumbling infrastructure, which could give them a feeling of pride that their dismal lives lacked previously." In other commission news, construction on the new William Clark Quantrill Memorial Overpass - which will allow Kansas City commuters to travel directly from Eudora to the intersection of Sixth and Wakarusa Streets - will begin next month.

HIGHEST BIDDER CHOSEN TO COMPLETE LAWRENCE STREET REPAIRS: Construction begins today on the pothole-ridden streets of Lawrence, and a recent city policy change will now allow the repairs to be done in a timely, expeditious manner. The city commission decided henceforth all new projects will be completed within realistic timeframes by qualified personnel. Costs for construction are expected to soar due to the use of sturdier, worthwhile materials which are expected to last more than six weeks under normal wear. The newly repaired streets will carry a now-standard five-year warranty.

DECENCY FINALLY PREVAILS: For the time being, the threat of public breast-feeding has been quashed. Legislation protecting the rights of mothers to expose their enormous milk-engorged udders to their hungry children was effectively killed through the efforts of Sen. Kay O'Connor, R-Olathe and other concerned politicians. Refusing to bow to lacto-terrorists, this group of freedom fighters asked that the bill be reworked to allow business owners the choice of whether or not to permit "pornographic nutrient distribution" in their establishments. "We are not anti-breast," said one senator who asked to remain anonymous. "But these big mommy boobs have milk in them, and that's just nasty. This legislation will in no way affect your enjoyment of hot jugs, as long as they are totally sweet."

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