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PHILL KLINE SETS RECORD FOR MOST PRESS CONFERENCES ABOUT A "SECRET" INVESTIGATION, EVER: Atty. Gen. Phill Kline continued the public battle over a closed-door legal process last week. He said in a press conference that his secret investigation into two abortion clinics was based on allegations of child rape and criminal late-term abortion. But abortion-rights activists question Kline's motives. Dana Lattin, a Lawrence abortion-rights activist, said she doubted that Kline's inquisition was driven by allegations of child rape. "If that's the case, then why isn't he going after the underage girls who went ahead and had their babies?" said one. "Why is he only going after girls who sought alternatives to their pregnancies?"

SHOULDA JUST WAITED UNTIL THE 'T' FELL OFF THE STUCKEY'S SIGN: An obscenity case brought against an adult novelty and video store has been dismissed for technical reasons. The Lion's Den Adult Superstore has been the focus of controversy since it opened in September 2003 in a former Stuckey's restaurant three miles northwest of Abilene. Members of the group Citizens for Strengthening Community Virtues, which formed shortly after the store opened, collected signatures and presented a petition asking for a grand jury to bring criminal indictments against The Lion's Den. But in a decision filed Tuesday in Dickinson County District Court, Kansas Senior Judge Robert Innes of Wichita ruled that the petition was improperly filled out.

KIM JONG IL HOLDS TIGHT TO THE REIGNS OF POWER: Undeterred by the tyrannous infidels/capitalists of the West, Jong, The Dear Leader, continues to lead his great nation down the narrow, treacherous path of righteousness, caring for those in need, supporting the arts, leading the way in proper grooming techniques, jamming South Korea broadcastss, and keeping an ever watchful eye toward the sky.

ACCUMULATING ENTRIES IN THE GUINESS BOOK OF WORLD RECORDS IS DEFINITIVELY THE BEST THING FOR A BORED RICH GUY TO DO WITH HIS TIME AND MONEY: Millionaire Steve Fossett landed in Salina after his latest 'adventure': flying a plane solo around the world without a single stop. Fossett, 60, who failed five times before successfully circumnavigating the globe solo in a balloon, 'succeeded' making the trip in a plane with his first attempt. This latest adventure gives Fossett yet another aviation record, adding to the many he holds as a balloonist, pilot and sailor. Fossett said he survived on 12 milkshakes and water during the flight. He said his main problems during the flight were headaches, which went away when he drank water, and a lack of sleep. Fossett used bottles to pee in a la Jim Carey in "Dumb and Dumber."

POINT/COUNTERPOINT: An Italian journalist was hospitalized and an Italian intelligence agent was killed by American gunfire last week. Journalist Giuliana Sgrena had been released just a half hour earlier by Iraqi kidnappers who had held her hostage for a month. Sgrena - a former left-wing militant who has often been described as an advocate of the poor and underprivileged - refused to become embedded with the US military, instead covering the war on her own in Iraq. U.S. officials have said the Sgrena's car was speeding toward a checkpoint in pitch dark and failed to stop. Sgrena has insisted: "It wasn't a checkpoint, but a patrol that shot as soon [as] they lit us up with a spotlight. We didn't know where the bullets were coming from. We had not met other checkpoints before. Our car was absolutely not traveling at high speed." U.S. soldiers' rules of engagement give them authority to open fire whenever they believe their unit may be at risk of suicide bombings or other attacks.

THIS WEEK IN JACKO (STORY): It came to light this week that the daily happenings surrounding Michael Jackson are not actually 'news,' rather self-perpetuating celebrity mongering by the tabloids and more recently by media otherwise known for disseminating news. In any case, this creepy image is perfectly suited for "beer and wine special" signs down at Jensen's Neighborhood Liqours.

ALLEN FIELDHOUSE TURNS 50, AND MURDER STILL FUNNY AFTER ALL THESE YEARS: Like many Kansas basketball fans, athletics boosters, university officials and other followers of college basketball, Warren Corman said he wouldn't even consider replacing Allen Fieldhouse. "We kill everybody that asks about that," joked the architect for Kansas University, who helped draw up original plans for the building that turned 50 years old Wednesday. "We shoot them and bury them underneath the fieldhouse."

IT WILL BE HARD FOR SCIENTISTS TO TRUMP CREATIONIST PAPERS THAT OPEN WITH THE WORDS, "JESUS SAYS..." The battle over evolution will be fought on paper. A committee of conservative Kansas State Board of Education members backed off a plan to preside over a public debate between advocates of evolution and advocates of intelligent design, which critics had said would constitute a second Scopes Monkey Trial. Instead, the three-member panel decided to have the experts address in writing eight questions that deal with the definition of science, evidence concerning evolution and evidence that can falsify evolution.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO COMMIT MURDER, DO IT WHILE YOU'RE STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL: The Supreme Court ruled that the death penalty for juveniles was unconstitutional, ending a capital-punishment practice in 19 states that had sparked protests in this country and abroad. The landmark ruling came in the case of Christopher Simmons, a Missourian who was 17 when he tied up Shirley Crook after a robbery and threw her from a railroad bridge in 1993. In the past 10 years only Oklahoma, Texas and Virginia have executed prisoners for crimes committed as juveniles.

STUDY: SEX FIENDS RIFE IN PORN INDUSTRY; POT HEADS RIFE IN POT SALES INDUSTRY; ETC. A new study that cost money to produce suggests that 56 percent of NFL players would be considered obese by medical standards. The NFL called the study bogus for using players' body-mass index, a height-to-weight ratio that doesn't consider body muscle versus fat.

A WEEK AGO REPUBLICANS CALLED US MARXIST...NOW THEY WANT TO IMITATE US: A powerful state legislator is using Lawrence as his model for a bill that would ban smoking in workplaces across Kansas. Rep. John Edmonds (R-Great Bend) introduced the bill last week after reading about the Lawrence law, which took effect in July and prohibits smoking in essentially all indoor workplaces - including bars and restaurants. His bill would go a step further and ban smoking in outdoor dining areas as well.

YET MORE NOT POSITIVE WAR NEWS: In the deadliest single strike since the fall of Saddam Hussein, a suicide car bomber attacked mostly Shiite police and National Guard recruits lined up for physical exams at a medical clinic, killing 115 and wounding 132 there and at a nearby market. The bombing is the latest in a string of challenges in Iraq's efforts to build a security force that can take over from the Americans.