Lawrence.com

SILLY ASIANS:THANKFULLY THAT CAN'T HAPPEN HERE!

Torrential rains and 139 mph winds from Typhoon Durian ravaged the Philippines Thursday, triggering deadly mudslides and destroying entire villages. The Red Cross estimates that at least 1,000 people have been killed by Durian, with most of the casualties coming from impoverished neighborhoods. "We have to break the cycle of disaster and poverty by being smarter, by being sure we can plan our community smarter," said Richard Gordon, the top Red Cross official in the Philippines. "The big problem here in our country is we don't plan our communities. It's every man for himself." *:The U.S. Government, in an effort to provide immediate scape-goating assistance, airdropped Michael Brown into the disaster area.

THE CANCER, MY FRIEND, IS BLOWIN' IN THE WIND

Close to 100 people rallied in front of the Capitol building in Topeka on Saturday, speaking out against a proposal before the Kansas Department of Health and Environment to build three coal-burning power plants in western Kansas. Bill Griffith, chairman of the Kansas Sierra Club, said the carbon dioxide produced by the plants would be "the largest new source of greenhouse gases in the United States." The protesters also argued that the plant would use up water from the dwindling Ogallala aquifer and increase dependence on fossil fuels that are contributing to destructive climate changes and increased mercury emissions. Many at the rally also claimed that the project would do little for Kansas because 90 percent of the energy would be sold out of state, primarily to Colorado. Sunflower Electric Power Corp, who hopes to build the plants, says that they will provide jobs for the area. *:The rally was cut short when organizers mysteriously fell ill from polonium-210 radiation poisoning.

"O," SNAP!

Lawrence will be featured in an upcoming episode of "The Oprah Winfrey Show," with businesses around town being highlighted for a segment on "green Christmas" ideas. Producers for "Oprah" were in town last week and shot footage at Chestnut Charlie's (an organic farm north of Lawrence), the Community Mercantile, and Super Target. Simran Sethi, media director for TreeHugger.com and Lawrence resident, will host the segment. The episode is scheduled to air Dec. 5 and will have former Vice President Al Gore as a guest. *:Footage of the show's producers receiving "eco-friendly" lap dances at the Bird is reportedly not being used in the episode.

DONKEY PUNCH

James Webb, Democratic Senator-elect from Virginia, reportedly almost came to blows with President Bush at a White House reception last week. A former Secretary of the Navy and vocal critic of Bush's Iraq policy, Webb agreed to attend the function for freshmen members of Congress but refused to stand in a presidential receiving line or to have his picture taken with Bush. Bush, however, sought out Webb. Webb and numerous witnesses have confirmed the following exchange:

"How's your boy?" Bush asked, referring to Webb's son, a Marine serving in Iraq.

"I'd like to get them out of Iraq, Mr. President," Webb responded.

"That's not what I asked you," Bush said. "How's your boy?"

"That's between me and my boy, Mr. President," Webb said, ending the conversation.

Webb was reportedly so angry that he felt like punching Bush. The White House has refused to comment on the incident. *:Webb refrained from striking Bush out of respect for the Navy Code of Conduct, which strictly prohibits officers from abusing the deranged or mentally enfeebled.

MEMO TO: PRESIDENT BUSH SUBJECT: IRAQ IS F*@#ED

Two classified memos from high-ranking government officials that paint an unflattering portrait of the Bush Administration's Iraq strategy were leaked to the media last week. The first, from National Security Advisor Stephen Hadley, raised doubts as to whether Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki was capable of curbing the escalating sectarian violence in Iraq. The memo came to light shortly before President Bush was to meet with al-Maliki in Jordan, a meeting that al-Maliki then postponed. The second memo, from Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, suggested that the current strategy in Iraq was not working and that the administration needed to lower public expectations. "Clearly, what U.S. forces are currently doing in Iraq is not working well enough or fast enough," wrote Rumsfeld. "Announce that whatever new approach the U.S. decides on, the U.S. is doing so on a trial basis. This will give us the ability to readjust and move to another course, if necessary, and therefore not 'lose.'" Two days after the memo was written, Bush accepted Rumsfeld's resignation. *:"We've learned from our mistakes and will correct course," said White House spokesman Tony Snow. "In order to achieve victory in Iraq, we will immediately replace our entire cabinet with illiterate amputees who are wholly incapable of writing memos."

SHE'LL GET SOLE CUSTODY OF THE TWINS

Pamela Anderson has filed for divorce from her husband of almost four months, rap-rocker Kid Rock. Some have speculated that the split was sparked by Anderson's cameo in the hit film, "Borat," wherein the former "Baywatch" star appears as herself and is lusted after by the title character, a perverted Kazakh journalist played by comedian Sacha Baron Cohen. The couple recently attended a screening of "Borat" at Universal Studios chief Ron Meyer's house, soon after which Kid Rock started screaming at Anderson that she had humiliated herself and looked like a "whore." *: Kid Rock finished this lecture on dignity by straightening his malt-liquor stained wife-beater, summoning his midget sidekick, and bidding Anderson a curt "Good day, Madam!"