Lawrence.com

KU ACHIEVES MEANINGLESS MILESTONE! YAY!

The KU men's basketball team won their final appearance at Kemper Arena in Kansas City. The Jayhawks defeated Toledo 68-58 Saturday in a lack-luster, ugly game. KU's record at Kemper will stand at 80-24. Kemper will be replaced next year by the Sprint Center in downtown KC. *:In related corporate branding news, the University of Kansas Jayhawks basketball team will henceforth be known as the University of Whataburger Dodgerams Spalding Squad (brought to you by Warner Bros. Studios' "Unaccompanied Minors"!).

A BROWN EYE ON THE WHITE HOUSE

Kansas Senator Sam Brownback announced the formation of a presidential exploratory committee last week, inching him closer to a run for the White House in 2008. Brownback's chances are considered slim by most experts, but he hopes to carve out a niche for himself in a crowded field of contenders by wooing social conservatives who might be alienated by GOP candidates perceived as too moderate, such as former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani and Arizona Senator John McCain. An exploratory committee allows Brownback to raise money and gauge support for his effort to seek the Republican nomination for president. Committee members include Domino's Pizza founder and anti-abortion activist Tom Monaghan, former Major League Baseball commissioner and Catholicism advocate Bowie Kuhn, and head of the anti-abortion group Priests for Life, Reverend Frank Palone. *:Also serving on Brownback's committee will be that creepy albino monk from "The DaVinci Code," the Shroud of Turin, and a mini-fridge stocked with frozen embryos.

THEY PREFER "DEFEAT-O-CHIMPS"

The bipartisan Iraq Study Group, co-chaired by former Secretary of State James Baker and former congressman Lee Hamilton, issued their recommendations for a new Iraq policy last week. The report provided a bleak assessment of the Iraq conflict, calling it a "grave and deteriorating" situation. Among the 79 steps laid out in the report are direct talks with Iraqi neighbors Iran and Syria, intensified training of Iraqi security forces, and removal of most American combat troops by 2008. President Bush was non-committal after having received the report, and many hawkish conservatives derided the plan as an admission of failure, with the front page of the New York Post calling Baker and Hamilton "Surrender Monkeys." *:The editors of the Post, along with The Weekly Standard's Bill Kristol and Johan Goldberg of conservative periodical The National Review, followed up their criticism of the report by loudly shrieking and hurling their own feces at passersby.

THE STATE OF THE STATE? WILLFULLY STUPID

The State of the State speech, scheduled to be delivered by Governor Kathleen Sebelius to the 2007 Kansas Legislature on Jan. 10, will not be aired by two of the state's three public television stations due to a previous commitment. The speech will not be seen on KTWU of Topeka or on Smoky Hills Public Television, who will instead broadcast a women's and men's basketball doubleheader between Fort Hays State University and Washburn University. KPTS of Wichita will be the only public broadcast station to carry the State of the State. Eugene Williams, KTWU general manager, suggested that Sebelius should move her speech. *:In an effort to compete with the insatiable demand for the Fort Hays State/Washburn women's and men's basketball doubleheader, Governor Sebelius will deliver the address while engaging Republican Speaker of the House Melvin Neufeld in a shirts and skins game of ultimate frisbee.

AL & TIPSY

Lindsay Lohan recently sent an e-mail to her friends and lawyers regarding the rehabilitation of her image in which she claims that former Vice President Al Gore will aid in said efforts. "Al Gore will help me. He came up to me last night and said he would be very happy to have a conversation with me," wrote the actress and singer. "If he is willing to help me, let's find out. Hilary [sic] Clinton, Bill Clinton, and Evan Metroplis [sic], and John Daur who works with them would be willing, if we just ask. If we just ASK." Representatives from Gore's office denied any direct involvement. "I can confirm for you that Mr. Gore has only met Ms. Lohan once, very briefly, at the GQ Men of the Year dinner last week," said the Gore spokesperson. "There were hundreds of other guests." *:The spokesman did confirm that Lohan has inked a deal to appear in Gore's sequel to "An Inconvenient Truth," where she's set play an anorexic, drug addicted polar bear who drowns in a combination of the melting ice-caps and her own vomit.

MOUSTACHE RIDE INTO THE SUNSET

President Bush accepted the resignation of United Nations ambassador John Bolton last week, conceding that the controversial envoy could not win Senate confirmation and signaling that the administration was unwilling to make another recess appointment would have circumvented a Congressional vote. Bolton's abrasive style and open hostility toward the United Nations alienated his international peers and failed to earn him bipartisan support in the Senate. *:Bolton himself realized he might not be cut out for the subtle nuances of diplomacy when he blacked out during sensitive negotiations regarding Iran's nuclear program, only to wake several hours later and find that he was carrying UN Secretary General Kofi Annan's severed hand in his mouth.

KICKING THE GRINCH IN HIS TWO SIZES TOO SMALL BALLS!

Case Bruyr, a 22-year-old University of Kansas dance major, has spent about $500 of his own money- earned by working at a group home for the disabled -trying to help people he's never met have a decent Christmas. Posting a message as "coolcatcase" on community web site larryville.com the day before Thanksgiving, Bruyr offered help to anyone who needed it with no strings attached. His posting has been viewed 7,600 times, and he's bought gifts, put up lights, and delivered trees to about 70 people. Bruyr was spurred to act because he's scheduled to work on Christmas and will be unable to visit his own family. "Christmas is really important to me," he said. "I can't go home, and I needed something to kick myself into the Christmas spirit." *:We unfortunately ran out of inky black cynicism before press time, so this Actual News item shall remain snark-free.