Thursday, December 21, 2006
Do you resent Jesus for making everyone else celebrate his birthday? Has your good will toward men soured into sociopathic rage toward carolers? Do you feel an uncontrollable urge to beat the feces out of that fat child predator in the red suit who smells like cheap wine and hangs out at the mall? If you've answered "Yes" to any of these questions, then you're probably bipolar...but you're also a potential recruit for the War on Christmas! Punditocracy brings you front line reports of the yule-tide terror from both sides of the manger massacre. Join us for an unflinching look at jingle hell. It's Punditocracy's coverage of the War on Christmas...nog will be shed!
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Mutilated elves and dismembered ACLU lawyers continue to pile up in the front lines of the War on Christmas, dashing America's sleigh ride of horror through a decidedly un-jolly civil war.
Claiming in 2003 that Christmas was harboring offensive windows with manger depictions (WMDs), the United Secularists of Abortions (San Francisco) launched a preemptive strike against the tyrant Santa with the hopes of spreading moral relativism throughout the Middle West.
The strategy of using awesome litigious force to shock the enemy into politically correct submission ("sue and Jew") quickly toppled Clause, but was followed on the advent calendar by unchecked candy-cane carnage. Without enough battalions of Hollywood liberals to force every Wal-Mart greeter in the country to wear a Kwanzaa dashiki emblazoned with "Happy Holidays" at menorah point, a Christmas insurgency quickly arose.
Despite assurances from Vice Progressive George Clooney that these Baby Jesus jihadists were "North Pole dead enders" in the "last throes of caroling," the guerilla campaign against Secular forces rages like a napalm-soaked Yule log. Much of the blame for the festively decorated violence has been directed towards the poor planning of Secretary of the Homosexual Agenda Rosie O'Donnell. O'Donnell, bowing to pressure from neo-communists (neo-coms) dissatisfied with the progress of atheism in the region, submitted her resignation to San Francisco Prime Menstruator Nancy Pelosi.
Days before resigning, however, O'Donnell wrote a secret memo outlining various ways to "change the course" in the War on Christmas. During roughly the same period that this memo was circulating through the Department of Perversion, a manual was found in an abandoned ginger-bread compound once held by the Christmas insurgents. It is believed to be an authentic training manual for these tinsel strewn terrorists, written by Generalisimo Bill O' Reilly himself.
lawrence.com's Punditocracy has obtained copies of both documents and now presents to you their most shocking details.
TIPS FOR WAGING A BETTER WAR ON CHRISTMAS
(from the bath house office of the Secretary of the Gay Agenda)
-Taint mistletoe shipments with poisonous Olive Garden salad.
-Swap routes of the Macy's and gay pride parades.
-Capture Mannheim Steamroller; ship them to a secret "black site" in one of the former Soviet blocs; torture the hell out of them.
-Replace the nation's egg nog supply with homosexuality-inducing Soy Nog.
-Cut off Rudolph's head and stuff it in George Allen's mail-box.
-Use a tank to pull the White House Christmas tree to the ground, then hang a "Mission Accomplished" banner on Bill Maher's yacht.
-Try Santa Clause in a meaningless kangaroo court, then publicly hang him with a garland-and-wreath noose.
-Engage in direct talks with Christmas's neighbors, Hanukah and New Year's, to try and prevent mirth from escaping its borders.
-Send in more Korans!
-Invent time machine, journey back 2007 years, and introduce Mary to the morning after pill.
CHRISTMAS COUNTER OFFENSIVE TECHNIQUES
(written in the blood of the non-believer, Alan Colmes)
-Foment sectarian violence amongst Lutherans, Methodists and Baptists; then begins the ethnic cleansing of the Episcopalians.
-Hide insurgent troops amongst the shirtless NASCAR population.
-Draw fighters from the ranks of the disbanded Salvation Army.
-Capitalize on the unguarded stockpiles of Toys for Tots.
-Promise the martyred culture warriors 72 Virgin Mary air fresheners in the afterlife.
-Line the red carpet route at the Oscars with IED's.
-Take hostages, decapitate them on video, then replace their heads with giant snow globes.
-Mail Anthrax-laced fruit cakes to prominent members of the liberal media (all of which will never be eaten:except Oprah's).
-Fortify shopping mall Nativity Scenes by replacing plastic barnyard animals with live, chainsaw wielding polar bears.
-Engage San Francisco in an unwinnable war of hubris, bog them down in an imperial occupation that breaks their army and depletes their treasure:then get them a Larry the Cable Guy CD.