Lawrence.com

Q & A-HOLES

Outrage grew last week over the fake news conference held by FEMA during the California wildfires, with both the White House and Homeland Security chief Michael Chertoff blasting the Federal Emergency Management Agency for the "dumb" and "inappropriate" faux conference. The agency arranged to have FEMA employees play the part of reporters at the event, held during the height of the wildfire crisis, and question deputy director Harvey E. Johnson. The questions have since been ridiculed for being soft and gratuitous. "I'm very happy with FEMA's response," Johnson said in response to one pre-screened query from an agency employee.*: "We're very disappointed in FEMA for attempting to mislead the public by staging this phony press conference filled with biased hacks posing as journalists," said Chertoff at a press conference attended by Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh and male prostitute Jeff Gannon.

CORN HOLED

KU defeated the Nebraska Cornhuskers 76-39 on Saturday, extending the Jayhawks' undefeated season to 9-0. Some record setting-and breaking-highlights from the game:

-The 76 points were the most ever allowed by Nebraska.

-Kansas' 48 first-half points were the most allowed after two quarters by Nebraska.

-The combined 115 points were the most in a game involving Kansas, and most in a Nebraska game since World War II.

-Kansas' 34 first downs tied the school record set against Washington, Mo., in 1923.

-Kansas broke the school's season scoring record of 384 points set in 2003.

-The attendance of 51,821 was a record for Memorial Stadium.

-Quarterback Todd Reesing set the Kansas single-game record with six touchdown passes and set KU's season record with 23 touchdown passes.

-Marcus Herford set the Kansas single-game record with 203 kick return yards.

-Brandon McAnderson's four touchdowns rushing tied the Kansas record.

*:-Herbie the Husker's Campanile sniper rampage following the loss was the most accurate marksmanship since Charles Whitman's 1966 effort in Austin, Texas.

*-The noise level in Memorial Stadium has scientifically been determined to be louder than the 20 megaton explosion above Tunguska, Siberia, in 1908.

*-Mark Mangino is now statistically tied with George Washington, Jesus, and the guy who invented TiVo as the greatest human being who ever lived.

GOULET'D TO REST

Robert Goulet, the famous crooner known for his rich baritone who rose to stardom on Broadway while playing Lancelot in the original production of "Camelot," died last week while awaiting a lung transplant in a Los Angeles hospital. He had been battling interstitial pulmonary fibrosis and was 73. Goulet was a Grammy- and Tony-winning performer, frequently headlined Las Vegas stage shows, and appeared often on TV and in film. More recently, he had made appearances lampooning his own Vegas lounge persona in "The Simpsons," "Toy Story 2," and commercials for Emerald Nuts.*:Since celebrity deaths always come in threes, observers are really hoping that Celine Dion and Wayne Newton are next.

WHAT WOULD JESUS SUE?

The father of a soldier who was killed Iraq won nearly $11 million in a verdict against Topeka's Westboro Baptist Church last week, with a Baltimore jury deciding that the church's method of picketing a funeral to advance an anti-homosexual agenda is not protected by the First Amendment. Albert Snyder sued Fred Phelps and the Westboro Baptist Church for unspecified damages after members demonstrated at the March 2006 funeral of his son, Marine Lance Cpl. Matthew Snyder. Westboro Baptist asserts American soldiers are dying because the United States tolerates homosexuality. The federal jury first awarded $2.9 million in compensatory damages, then $6 million in punitive damages for invasion of privacy, and an additional $2 million for causing emotional distress. Members of the church stood outside of the Maryland courthouse during the trial holding signs reading "God is your enemy" and "God hates fag enablers" while singing "God Hates America" to the tune of "God Bless America."*:The Phelps hoped to call God as a star character witness in the trial, but God declined saying "I've got nothing to do with those douchebags."

PEDALPHILE

Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong, 36, has been spotted on several occasions spending time with-and making out with-21-year-old starlet Ashley Olsen. The former cyclist and former child star of "Full House" have been making the rounds in the gossip pages thanks to multiple eye-witness accounts of their public displays of affection around New York City over the past week.*:In other creepy celebrity dating news, Dakota Fanning was recently seen necking with the frozen remains of baseball legend Ted Williams.

ISLAMABAD TO WORSE

President General Pervez Musharraf suspeneded Pakistan's constitution and declared a state of emergency late last week, plunging the Middle Eastern country into an atmosphere of martial law. Hundreds of anti-government critics have been rounded up and imprisoned, and independent media outlets have been silenced. Musharraf, citing the threat of Islamic fundamentalism, has suspended parliamentary elections and fired the Supreme Court's chief justice, who was about to rule on whether the president's recent reelection was constitutional. Opponents say Musharraf, a 1999 coup leader who had promised to give up his army post and become a civilian president this year, imposed emergency rule in a last-ditch attempt to cling to power after feeling threatened by the return of formerly exiled Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto.*:The U.S. State Department cited this display of contempt for democratically elected co-equal branches of government from a president whose election was to be decided by the Supreme Court, as well as the suppression of dissent under the guise of combating terrorism, as yet further proof that Pakistan is the most Americanized country in the Middle East.

WILLIAM BUTLER YEATS CAN EAT IT

At a Los Angeles courthouse where she was attending a hearing about sharing custody of her children last week, pop star Britney Spears-responding to a reporter's question about how the hearing was going-screamed, "Eat it! Lick it! Snort it! F*ck it!"*:Socio-cultural anthropologists immediately hailed Spears' remarks as the ultimate distillation of Western civilization's Epicurean excesses and moral ambivalence, a stunning rebuke of-and simultaneously post-modern embrace of-the spiritual vacuum of the 21st century.

THE DAY THE LINDSAY LOHAN JOKES DIED

After last-ditch negations called for by federal mediators fell through on Sunday night, Hollywood writers are now officially on strike. The negotiations between the Writers Guild of America and the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers ended after about 11 hours, with the guild announcing soon after its plans to picket every major studio in Los Angeles along with Rockefeller Center in New York, where NBC is headquartered. At issue are the huge profits from DVD sales and internet distribution, from which writers receive almost no residuals. Immediately affected by the strike will be late night talk shows that are written the day of their taping, such as "The Late Show with David Letterman" and "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," which will go into reruns starting this week.*:These writers are so dumb that they won a gold medal at the Sh*t Eating Olympics and eat their own sh*t and are probably queers and they weren't even as funny as Howard Stern anyway. (Editor's note: Since Actual News writer Gavon Laessig has also gone on strike, the previous joke was written by a scab. He's an itinerant with a drug problem who will work for half-eaten sandwiches, and he'll be taking over all Actual News duties hitherto. Frankly, we don't think you'll notice any difference.)