Lawrence.com

BAKER'S DOZER

Regulators with the Federal Highway Administration began distributing a report last week determining that building the South Lawrence Trafficway (SLT) through the Baker Wetlands is the best option for the controversial bypass project. The SLT has been in limbo for more than a decade due to concerns that it will significantly damage the ecosystem of the Baker Wetlands, which is also considered sacred by some Native Americans. The bypass, as proposed, will connect South Iowa Street with K-10.*:The Federal Highway Administration report argues that bulldozing invaluable natural habitat that simultaneously serves as religiously hallowed ground is unavoidable, because the SLT will "shave a good three minutes off of a trip to Steak 'n Shake."

10 AND OH-MY-GOD-THIS-IS-A-SIGN-OF-THE-END-TIMES

The KU football team stayed unbeaten with a 43-28 victory over Oklahoma State on Saturday, moving them to 10-0 for the first time since 1899. The Jayhawks are the only unbeaten team left, not just in the Big 12, but in all six conferences that have automatic bids for the Bowl Championship Series. Receiver Marcus Henry had a career-high 199 yards receiving and three touchdowns, running back Brandon McAnderson ran for 142 yards and two scores, and quarterback Todd Reesing completed 27 of 40 passes for 308 yards and three touchdowns. The Jayhawks play Iowa State at home next week and can clinch a spot in the Big 12 title game with a win against No. 5 Missouri on Nov. 24 in Kansas City.*:In other Jayhawks athletics news, apparently KU has a basketball team and they started playing last week or something.

BCS Rankings:

1. LSU

2. Oregon

3. Kansas

4. Oklahoma

5. Missouri

MUKASEY DE SADE

The Senate voted last week to confirm the nomination of Michael B. Mukasey as attorney general, despite fierce opposition from Democrats who said his refusal to disavow waterboarding as torture made him unsuitable to head the U.S. Justice Department. The vote was 53-40, and Mukasey is expected to be sworn in this week. Mukasey, a retired federal judge, refused to say whether he believed that waterboarding-an interrogation technique simulating drowning that dates to the Spanish Inquisition-was unlawful.*:Mukasey's assurances that he doesn't condone torture did little to dissuade his critics, since-intermittently throughout his testimony-he was extinguishing lit cigarettes on his forearm and moaning in exquisite agony.

YOU SCRATCH MY HACK, I'LL SCRATCH YOURS

Lawrence Mayor Sue Hack claimed last week that her failure to disclose her financial interest in Deciphera Pharmaceuticals, a company that is set to receive economic development incentives-including cash-from the city, was simply a mistake. The deal with Deciphera was already under scrutiny due to a closed door city commission meeting about the multi million dollar incentive package, a meeting that may have violated Kansas law, and which Hack attended. Hack said she was not trying to conceal her stock holdings from the public, only that she did not believe her interest in the company-which she has yet to state-required her to file the state form. "It was just a mistake on my part," Hack said.*:Hack described her failure to disclose this conflict of interest as a "mistake," the closed-from-the-public meeting about enriching the company in which she holds stock as "my bad," and the unseemly connection between the two as "a coinkidink." Hack then excused herself to a secret coke orgy held by Wal-Mart lobbyists at a swimming pool filled with gold doubloons, which she described as "just a rap session with my Arkansas homies."

TAINT BERNARD

Former New York City police commissioner Bernard Kerik-a long-time associate of former New York City mayor and Republican presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani-was charged last week with 16 counts of fraud, corruption and lying on forms submitted as part of his nomination to be secretary of the Department of Homeland Security. Kerik is accused, among other things, of accepting more than $250,000 in free apartment renovations from a company with alleged ties to organized crime. Rudy Giuliani refuses to comment on the indictments, but his rival for the Republican presidential nomination, John McCain, has said via a spokesman, "After being briefed on Kerik's ties to organized crime, Giuliani named him chief of the New York Police Department. Without any further vetting, Giuliani asked him to join his security consulting firm. Despite obvious ethical problems, Giuliani went so far as to personally recommend Kerik for the top job at the Department of Homeland Security. A president's judgment matters and Rudy Giuliani has repeatedly placed personal loyalty over regard for the facts."*:Kerik's reputation has been so damaged by this corruption scandal, the only place he could conceivably get a job in the future is the Lawrence City Commission.

LADY AND THE TRAMPLE

Celebrity heiress Paris Hilton took it upon herself last week to champion the cause of drunken elephants. Hilton was spurred to action following an incident in northeast India where a herd of 20 to 25 elephants went on a rampage after getting drunk on rice beer, knocking over power lines that electrocuted four of the inebriated pachyderms. "There would have been more casualties if the villagers hadn't chased them away," said Hilton in a press release. "And four elephants died in a similar way three years ago. It is just so sad. The biggest problems are in Assam and Meghalaya. The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them." *:As a sign of her new-found activism, all proceeds from the sale of a video featuring grainy footage of Hilton having intercourse with a 20,000-pound Asian elephant will be donated to the cause.

UPDATE: According to Hilton's publicist, this story is a hoax and Hilton never made the statement attributed to her in the above Actual News segment.*..."Paris Hilton giving a crap about what happens to poor people in developing countries? This story was obviously concocted," said the publicist. "I mean, she couldn't find India on a map of India, let alone pronounce the north eastern states of 'Assam and Meghalaya.' Concerned about elephant welfare? The woman upholstered her stretch Hummer in elephant skin and bathes in liquefied tusk ivory every night. Once again, the media has irresponsibly portrayed Paris Hilton as a caring human being. For shame, media-for shame."

ENERGY COMBATANT

The administration of Kansas Governor Kathleen Sebelius was attacked last week in a statewide newspaper ad for denying the building of two coal-fired power plants in western Kansas. "Why are these men smiling?" the full-page ad asks below photos of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez and Russian President Vladimir Putin. "Because the recent decision by the Sebelius Administration means Kansas will import more natural gas from countries like Russia, Venezuela and Iran." The ad was partially funded by Sunflower Electric Power Corp., which proposed the rejected coal plants. Sebelius responded by saying the ad is "offensive to every Kansan, and the people of Kansas deserve an apology."*:The next round of ads planned by Sunflower Electric will include a doctored photo of Sebelius sporting a Hitler moustache as she shovels puppies into a furnace, with a caption reading, "Gas: Killing People Since the Holocaust."