Lawrence.com

Michael Stoecker, illuminator of moving pictures who makes "whiny actors squint their eyes," John Peel-a-phile, "Yank Sizzler" podcaster of musical arcana

lawrence.com: How do you keep finding new music? Word of mouth? Trial and error? Recommendations from your Ukrainian bootlegger?

Stoecker: "So much trial and error. I've listened to so much shit through the years, but it's worth it once you find some tune that makes you jump up and down on your bed. And I don't want to talk about my Ukrainian bootlegger-he's fed me nothing but Russian hair metal for more than a month now. Incredulous!"

Where are the best places to find music around town? And if you can make it through the answer without mentioning Love Garden, I'll give you a shiny farthing.

"Not bowing down to the almighty Love Garden isn't worth your stinking little farthing-whatever the fuck that is. I've been to record stores all over the U.S. and Europe and without a doubt, Love Garden ranks amongst the highest. And I have to give Kief's their due. Their staff is immaculately nice and you can sometimes find new releases there cheaper than anywhere else in town. And of course you can always hit up the Replay and make a $2 wager on some band you've never heard before. Can you get into the Replay for a farthing? I don't think so. And then when it's all said and done, turn on the damn radio and tune it to KJHK."

Where's the best place to look online? (For purchasing, not "sharing")

"If you know what you're looking for, check to see if it's used somewhere like Amazon or eBay. Everyone knows that, though. Also, so many of the smaller labels have their own online stores-bands, too."

Did you weep upon hearing of the demise of Oink?

"Nah-I didn't even use it. I'm addicted to Soulseek. I get everything I could ever want and more there. It's an excellent community of people who get how to share files with each other. The harmony oozes from your screen-and not like when you're stealing porn from Pirate Bay."

Of course I'm not implying that you would steal music online, but-hypothetically-is Soulseek the best place to steal music online?

"Now I think I'm going to state for the record that I don't know. I can't handle the thought of those cocks in the RIAA getting their sweating palms on my soft flesh. I couldn't deal with being inside."

Vinyl, CD, mp3, or Edison phonograph tubes-which of these formats least offends your hipster-purist sensibilities?

"What bugs me is the new underground trend of using cassette tapes again for new releases. Why? It's a turd of a medium and completely stupid to bring it back. Hey guys, want to listen to 8-track again? Yeah, I didn't think so. That said, I really do honestly enjoy listening to vinyl. It makes listening to the music more of an event, you see the physical record moving and it gets you into the vibe of why you probably love that music so much in the first place. But I'm not snobby about digital anything. It's so convenient, and I could never afford 200 gigs of music on vinyl. MP3s have given so many older artists who have out of print records a rejuvenated fan base, also. And my Edison tubes are just stacking up in the corner until I can get my player fixed."

What inscrutable system of emotional and symbolic encryption do you use to catalogue your music?

"I use this old thing I picked up in my rural school called 'the alphabet.' I don't have time to dish out some 'High Fidelity'-like logic for how music stacks up on my shelves or on my hard-drives. I waste too much time just getting it in the first place."

Do you consider collecting music an addiction? Is it an affliction worse than bleeding hemorrhoids?

"Yes, it's addictive, but I'd rather have to suffer this affliction on my own so that you need not. However, I'll let others possess an asshole that bleeds all time. It's what I can do for society."