Illustration by Darron Laessig

Illustration by Darron Laessig


Warning: extreme satire ahead. Sense of humor highly recommended.

Podcast episode

Punditocracy

Greetings From Missouri! An audio travelogue through the Blow Me State

Presented by the Missouri Tourism Board (formerly the Grand Council of Aryan Confederacy) "Howdy, stranger! Lovely day for a constitutional, wouldn't you agree? Say, where 'ya headed? What's that? Someplace with art, culture and a diversified gene pool? Well, you've obviously never been to Missouri, partner. Yes, Missouri...we're the 18th ...

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Presented by the Missouri Tourism Board (formerly the Grand Council of Aryan Confederacy)


No-fi version of the podcast

"Howdy, stranger! Lovely day for a constitutional, wouldn't you agree? Say, where 'ya headed? What's that? Someplace with art, culture and a diversified gene pool? Well, you've obviously never been to Missouri, partner. Yes, Missouri-we're the 18th largest state, our official tree is the flowering dogwood, and we haven't had a typhus outbreak in over three weeks. And you can take that to the Jew run bank!

Come again, stranger? Oh, you were just passing through? On your way to someplace less godforsaken? When your vehicle was attacked by feral mountain folk from the Ozarks? They laid out a crude spike strip fashioned from hog chitlins and sharpened chicken bones, blew out your tires and made off with your women folk? You say you've lost a lot of blood from the bite wounds and desperately need an ambulance?

Past Event

KU vs. Missouri football

  • Saturday, November 24, 2007, 7 p.m.
  • Arrowhead Stadium, 1 Arrowhead Drive, Kansas City, MO
  • All ages

More

Well, I'm not sure what this crazy "ambulance" is that you're jawing on about-let alone your gibber jabber about "medical attention" and "science"-but, hey, while you're pinned under this here upside down horseless carriage and I've got your undivided attention, let me tell you a little bit about this lovely scab of dirt and rock I call home. Why, it's a little place that I also like to call-Missouri: The Blow Me State."


Chapter 1
The Birth of a Missouri: Thanks, America's broken condom!

Missouri was introduced into the United States as territory obtained in the 1803 Louisiana Purchase, a deal struck between President Thomas Jefferson and France. It was a mutually beneficial arrangement, as the French were desperately looking to unload their worthless real estate following a collapse in the sub-prime beaver pelt market, and Jefferson needed someplace to keep all of his slaves. Fortune smiled.

Past Event

KU vs. Missouri viewing party

  • Saturday, November 24, 2007, 7 p.m.
  • Granada, 1020 Mass., Lawrence
  • All ages / Free

More

Jefferson was specifically looking to stable those slaves he referred to as "hot slaves, bangable slaves-those slaves that are endowed by their Creator with unalienable rights in all the right places."

Factor in the lingering French culture of bedding minors from the same blood line, and Missouri's proud tradition of combining the subjugation of black people along with unchecked incest was born!

Missouri was officially recognized as a state in the Missouri Compromise of 1821, when Congress decreed that Missouri would henceforth be "business up front, party in the back." The world's most deliberative body also declared that Benjamin Franklin had, indeed, sported a "skullet." While this important compromise did much to atone for the national shame of indentured mulletude-ending the divisive battle of Short In Front, Long In Back which nearly tore our union apart-it frankly did very little to address that whole slavery thing.

MISSOURI LEARNIFICATION CHUNK: Did you know that "Missouri" is a Native American term? It stands for "diseased wasteland that not even the unbathed, syphilitic, cousin-loving French would stop having sex long enough with said cousins to empty their chamber pots in and is only fit to host Dane Cook and Garth Brooks concerts." The Native Americans had a very efficient language.


Chapter 2
The Civil War: Missouri's Demancipation Proclamation

While Missouri never officially seceded from the Union in the run up to the Civil War, it certainly wasn't for lack of pathological bigotry. No, it was primarily because a majority of Missouri inhabitants couldn't properly load a musket thanks to their lack of opposable thumbs, lost either through inbreeding or animal husbandry accidents.

After the rest of the South deemed Missouri too inferior to fight for the right to view people as inferior, Missouri decided that, "Fine, we don't need your stupid Civil War anyway! We're going to wage our own war-with Kansas! Suck it Jefferson Davis!"

photo

Journal-World illustration

A t-shirt similar to this one is circulating in the Missouri student body depicting Quantrill's Raid on Lawrence in 1863. The shirt received national attention Tuesday on an AOL.COM sports Web site.

And hence mass murder on a terrible scale would forever be trivialized by a college sports rivalry. (Incidentally, said trivialization continues this Saturday!)

MISSOURI LEARNIFICATION CHUNK: Did you know that during the border skirmishes leading up to and during the Civil War, Kansas fighters were called Jayhawks and Missouri fighters were called Bushwhackers? Historians attribute this to widespread moonshine abuse and a propensity to just make up words back then.

BONUS ANTI-INTEGRATION ACTIVITY! You can make your own nonsensical Civil War nickname by combining the name of the plantation you grew up on with the name of the first negro you disfigured with a hot brand!


Chapter 3
Bleeding Kansas: Missouri's bloodiest period gets all over Kansas' pants

Missouri's pro-slavery fervor-or "African free trade enthusiasm"-manifested itself in a series of violent raids into Kansas, who were totally being dicks by voting to free the slaves and making everyone else look bad. This border war culminated with William Quantrill's sacking and plundering of Lawrence on August, 21st 1863. Quantrill and his Bushwhacker guerillas killed nearly 200 men and boys and burned down a majority of the city.

The attack was sparked by a popular abolitionist frock coat of the day, embroidered with the Latin phrase "Dissouri vado planto miligo ut vestri"-which loosely translates to "Muck Fizzou." Quantrill, even worse than slaughtering the people of Lawrence, launched a retaliatory line of cravats savagely mocking the girth of free-soil Senator James H. Lane.

From the day of Quantrill's raid forth, Missouri's economy would be driven almost entirely by novelty t-shirts.

MISSOURI LEARNIFICATION CHUNK: Did you know that Quantrill's Raid is revered by University of Missouri fraternities as the very first panty raid? It's lovingly reenacted every weekend in sororities across Columbia, MO-except instead of torches, these latter day guerrillas are armed with massive amounts of GHB and rohypnol.

Past Event

The Border War, downtown viewing party

  • Saturday, November 24, 2007, 6 p.m.
  • (One-off place), Lawrence
  • All ages / Free

More


Chapter 4
Missouri Today: Number 14 in national obesity-with a bullet!

Missouri proudly wraps itself in a tapestry of tradition. It is a quilt that's not entirely riddled with gravy stains and free basing burns, and one which we swear doesn't have any more smallpox in it-so please build more casinos, Native Americans.

But Missouri is much more than just a historic legacy of hatred and murder-we're making great strides in hatred and murder to this very day!

While you may think Missouri is just a frightening patchwork of urban sprawl, type 2 diabetes and fly over country that rivals the most hellish of 3rd world disaster areas-well, it's all of that and so much more!

Here are some facts about Missouri that you probably didn't know-and, thanks to our crumbling public school infrastructure, we don't know either:

-Missouri's reputation as "The Show Me State" refers to its highly competitive ranking for sex offenders per capita.

-Missouri is known as the "Gateway to the West," because it leads to harder states like Crack Cocainorado and New Methico.

-Missouri's governor is Matt Blunt, and he really enjoys it when you make an allusion to marijuana involving his last name (it takes his mind off the corruption allegations).

-There are more trailer parks in Missouri than God knows how to destroy.

-St. Louis, Missouri's second largest city, is completely immobile without the aid of jazzy scooters and wheel barrows.

-Kansas City, Missouri's largest city, has more Applebee's restaurants than human beings.

-The University of Missouri now offers a degree in criminal law tailored to the legal needs of University of Missouri athletes, a field of law which is Missouri's fastest growing industry.

-The correct pronunciation is neither "Missour-ee" nor "Missour-ah"-it's "Arkansas Light."

-The St. Louis Arch, Missouri's most famous landmark, looks really obscene when you drive a large missile through it.

-The stench hovering over Missouri is not, as popularly thought, a toxic cloud of industrial pollutants and rotting pork byproducts-it is despair.

"There you are, friend-everything Missouri has to offer under the pure, white, miscegenation free sun! Whoa there, pal o' mine-don't lose consciousness from blood loss just yet! Now that you've had a chance to absorb our culture and history, some of it through the open gouge marks about your head and face, whaddya think? What's that? You'd like last rights administered? From a Catholic priest? Oh dear, I didn't realize it was that serious. I had no idea that you were-a dirty papist.

Here's the last lesson in Missouri hospitality I'm going to give you, stranger-we don't cotton to your types around here. In fact, we don't cotton to any types who aren't types that are the types we like to typify ourselves as. And let that be a lesson to everyone thinking about coming to Missouri-don't.

(gunshot)

Go Tigers! Death to the traitor Lincoln! And y'all don't come back now, y' hear?"

Brought to you by the Missouri Tourism Board (formerly the High Exalted Order of the White Dragon)

Comments

Shelby 14 years, 6 months ago

By the way, I don't really appreciate the semi-caricatured depiction of my close relatives.

Shelby 14 years, 6 months ago

slang4d:

Though unsolicited, and to kind of steer even further off-topic, I want to clarify my position on how following sports has been good to me. As one example, baseball really opened my eyes to the intrinsic beauty of probability and statistics. I'm not sure there's a better exemplification of the amazing wonders of probability than witnessing an entire season, and multiple consecutive seasons, of major league baseball. The huge amount of the sport played in just one season really pares down and strips away outlying data so one can get an extremely concise feeling of, for instance, how a player performed, and more importantly, how good a player actually was----and then to take that idea to the next level, what the probablity is that a player does this or that in a given situation. In football, for instance, there are so few games played in one season, and furthermore over one player's career, that it's significantly less likely that his or her statistics reflect their true ability and performance and are not in some way made inaccurate or misrepresentative by a huge atypical screwup here or an uncharacteristically badass performance there----in other words, one season of baseball contains SO MUCH baseball that randomness and flukes fall away and are eventually cancelled out for the most part and what you are left with is a very accurate representation of.........whatever, I think I've made my point. Maybe. Carry on.

chewyfally 14 years, 6 months ago

That is wonderful! I'm e-mailing that to everyone at work.

smerdyakov 14 years, 6 months ago

Absolutely beautiful... my Missouri-based in-laws will love this!

smerdyakov 14 years, 6 months ago

Nate-check any number of the MU boards for truly unfunny attacks of this ilk...

slang4d 14 years, 6 months ago

Ugh. I'm a little sad that this football business is bleeding over into what is essentially the arts section. I choose not to read the sports page because I just don't care for sports. They're fun to play, but watching or being a fan, it's not terribly edifying. I mean, who grows or learns by watching sports and chugging beers? That's ok though...everyone needs mindless pursuits, life is stressful. What's gross is how it's crammed down our throats. The constant media attention, the sea of blue shirts, people talking about it everywhere you go, and now, a satirical piece about how backwards and dumb Missouri and it's residents are, just in time for "the big game!" Thanks Lawrence.com. I was hoping to go a day without seeing, reading or hearing anything about football.

Shelby 14 years, 6 months ago

Slang4d:

and here I was, hoping to go a day without hearing some snob from a college town whining about the vast majority's harmless enthusiasm for enjoying the entertaining and fulfilling qualities of sports...

Lots of people (including myself, by the way) "grow" and "learn" by watching sports. I've learned tons of things, for instance, by virtue of my affinity for baseball. My life is better and I am a better person because of it.

This is just so you know, and to potentially spare you the embarrasment of making pretentious, uneducated comments like this in the future.

slang4d 14 years, 6 months ago

Shelby, I don't care what people choose to watch or read about, I'm just saying I'd like to go a day or two without this crammed down my throat. I realize now it was a bad idea to express such an unpopular opinion, but it was just that, an opinion. Calling me a "snob" is a little ridiculous and anyone that knows me personally would be quick to disagree with you on that. I didn't make some sweeping generalization about sports fans. I didn't say "ALL sports fans are idiots" and I certainly don't believe such a thing. It's my opinion though that sports do not contribute to humankind as much as things like art, literature, music, philosophy, etc. OMG! So pretensious! You know what though? I'd rather be pretensious than start a riot, trash a city, or set a trash dumpster on fire because a team wins a game (again, not something that ALL sports fans do, but I've seen it happen).

I dig mystery novels. They are mindless and entertaining, something that takes my mind off of life, but I don't go around with hordes or drunk people, all wearing Sherlock Holmes t-shirts, hooting and hollaring "SHERLOCK EFFIN' HOLMES IS GOING TO KICK A$%!! W00T!!" I don't publish a newspaper which puts the latest Richard Jury novel review on the cover instead of some more important local coverage. Don't you think that would be awfully annoying to all of the people out there that don't care for mystery novels? Sure, people that AREN'T sports fans are in the minority around here, but it would be nice to go to one of my favorite websites and not see sports coverage where I usually see an interesting article on a local artist or musician.

Shelby 14 years, 6 months ago

I was really only responding to this comment of yours:

"They're fun to play, but watching or being a fan, it's not terribly edifying. I mean, who grows or learns by watching sports and chugging beers?"

But it seems your major complaint is that newspapers cover things you find unimportant. You're dissatisfied with the "giving-the-reader-what-they-want" aspect of journalism and would prefer a more altruistic (from whose point-of-view?) and less market-sensitive approach.

Frankly, also pretty ridiculous.

slang4d 14 years, 6 months ago

Sure, give the reader what they want, just put it under the appropriate tab. Last time I checked, LJWorld had a pretty extensive sports section. Lawrence.com...not the sports section.

Shelby 14 years, 6 months ago

Furthermore, if you're convinced that sports are unfairly being "crammed down (your) throat" (and how is that happening, exactly?), might I suggest moving to Antarctica?

Shelby 14 years, 6 months ago

<p>Lawrence.com -- entertainment

Sports -- entertainment

What are you failing to understand here?

Do I need to direct you to the sports blogs that exist, here, on Lawrence.com?

Shelby 14 years, 6 months ago

...or the many, many sports stories of the past that have appeared exclusively, as the lead story, on Lawrence.com?

slang4d 14 years, 6 months ago

"and how is that happening, exactly?"

The sea of blue t-shirts, the newspaper, chatty co-workers, television, just standing in line at the grocery store overhearing people talking. Of course, walking down mass street on a game day is always an event (and since I try not to know when game day is, it's not like I can avoid it).

Do you live in Lawrence?

slang4d 14 years, 6 months ago

"might I suggest moving to Antarctica?"

I've lived in four other cities and have never seen this much enthusiasm for sports, save the Broncos winning the Superbowl when I lived in Denver. Why don't I move back to a place where it's not the number one priority? Because I can usually ignore the sports business and pay attention to the things I enjoy. Lately though, it's becoming more and more difficult.

"...or the many, many sports stories of the past that have appeared exclusively, as the lead story, on Lawrence.com?"

Have been coming here for a while and have seen a minimal amount of coverage on sports. Feel free to link to them for others to enjoy because you know I won't be reading any of it. Just asking-why cover it here, there, and everywhere? The sports section just isn't enough?

Shelby 14 years, 6 months ago

I was talking about your notion that these things are being somehow crammed down your throat......is it that hard to either ignore or accept and move on? Does it actually trouble you to the degree that you feel it's necessary to whine about in the comments section of a sports story?

I mean I can understand and appreciate that you don't like following sports, but would it make it any sense to go to a surgical instruments convention and complain to the attendees that there are too many sharp things around and that you hate everybody talking about scalpels? Does that give you some sort of satisfaction? I'm just not understanding this.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that Lawrence.com is a surgical instruments convention.

slang4d 14 years, 6 months ago

Yes, it does become hard to ignore. And last time I checked, the comments area was an appropriate place to whine. If I was poo-pooing a story about something else, would it bother you enough to respond over and over to what is clearly just me having a little vent?

Like I said, I have not seen a great deal of coverage about sports here and I just wanted to go a day without it. Just one day, Shelby, ONE ! Then I click on my trusty Lawrence.com bookmark where I usually find a particular type of local story and find another Mizzou (or however you spell that) vs. KU story. If your claim is true and Lcom does cover sports on a regular basis, then I'm being totally illogical (which I admit to). However, let me have my whine. You get your twenty sports stories and coverage all over the darn place, can we have a little slice of the comments section that says "hey, what's the big dang deal about sports?"

Shelby 14 years, 6 months ago

Sure. Whine away.

I guess I initally just took offense to your insinuation that through following sports no one ever grew or learned anything important.

smerdyakov 14 years, 6 months ago

Whoa, knock it off you two... it is indeed a bit out of the lawrence.com norm to acknowledge sports, but damn-this is an unprecedented situation. KU AND Missouri having the No. 2 and 3 ranking in the country?? These are football teams that suck every single year. And suddenly one of them could be playing for the national championship. Even if not, this game is by far the biggest of the Thanksgiving holiday...no small feat in itself. The sports columnists are talking in terms of the apocalypse given this improbability: http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/columns/story?columnist=forde_pat&id=3120053&sportCat=ncf

That said, Shelby, is it really so hard to believe that-especially in a town like Lawrence-a few people are going to roll their eyes at all the hype? If anything lawrence.com should be the one sanctuary insulated from all the hype... but then again, this is a historical moment. For my part, I think this 'story' is something of a refreshing break from-mocking even, of-all the hype going into this game.

I'm just sayin...

Shelby 14 years, 6 months ago

No, it's not hard to believe. You're right. Venting is fine. I was making a mountain, etc.

slang4d 14 years, 6 months ago

Shelby, I'm sorry if my comment about sports not contributing to growth offended you. As a child, I learned quite a bit about teamwork, perseverance and hard work playing soccer and basketball. Being a watcher and fan of professional sports, that confuses me, I just don't get it. Each to his own though. If it contributes to your life in a positive way, more power to you.

smerdyakov, I didn't realize this particular game was such a big deal, just thought it was the usual KS vs.MO hoopla. Probably because I try to remain ignorant about KU sports.

Ok, now I've managed to think and write about this particular topic way more than originally intended. knocking it off

Shelby 14 years, 6 months ago

Did you guys hear what happened to Mangino?

He was driving to KC today on the turnpike, got to the toll booth, and he asked the toll booth attendee how to get to 435. The guy responded "Lots and lots of salads."

har har

smerdyakov 14 years, 6 months ago

Couldn't agree more re baseball Shelby. And slang, your analogy to mystery novels is exquisite. I'm committing it to memory and plan to use it often. Thanks.

dnizzle6170 14 years, 6 months ago

I'm from Nebraska and I would say that with Intelligent Design in the Kansas classroom after every other board of education change, the whole "what's science" and other such comments apply to both sides of the border wars regardless of Lawrence being a little better than the rest of the state.

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