Lawrence.com

TOWNIE GUIDE TO... concert-going etiquette

Matt Armstrong, sign designer, lawrence.com blogger, reformed musician

Years in Lawrence? "I just figured it out, it's been 38 months. And I've never taken a class at KU!"

If someone vomits in the crowd, how best to delicately handle the situation?

"That's a rough one. Vomiting, an utterly human expression, can either lead to you getting to throw someone out of the club, or calling the band's attention to the unfortunate vomiter. If you aren't with the band, the proper response would be, 'Look what you did!', while dragging the poor fellow out. Repeat this until the band does indeed know what they did--which is make someone puke. Then they will take care of you. However, if you are with the vomiting party, you are allowed to throw your friend out of whatever show you are at. Them's the rules, bitches. You puke, you get left behind.

What do you do if someone taller than you stands in front of you at the show? In front of your girlfriend?

"This is an easy one. When a mountain troll of a man has made his presence known in front of, behind, or all around your lady love, you simply wedge yourself in between the two. Done and done. Then later, if the fellow tries to make a move towards your whistle bait, you are there in his way. There are a few levels of precaution in this, like whether or not to give the guy your ass or crotch during the show, but it ultimately does not matter."

This being Lawrence, you probably know someone in the band you're watching. If their band blows, do you level with them or do you lie?

"Clever question! Answer? You do not see them live. Ever. When they are playing at your favorite bar, you have to work late. When they are playing a show on Sunday, you have to leave the country for business. Do not ever see a friend's band! If you ever are trapped into paying attention to a friend's band, grab a copy of their last 7 inch, learn the b-side, and then tell them that you really love how that song came out on that record. If it's included on their record next year, guess what? You win!"

Pop quiz: Let's say it's 1993 and a woman is stage diving and attempting to crowd surf, but you're required to grope her to keep her aloft. Is it more chivalrous to let her drop?

"No. Stage diving and crowd surfing went out in 1995, so we're still OK in my book. In 1993, it was still accepted for the girls in my high school's drill team to crowd surf at school dances. I know, because my first show was at a school function. So we would've carried the lady aloft and tried our damnedest to figure out what all the fuss was about up in them pants. Damn you, Girbaud's stonewashed jeans!"

Waiting for the encore, do you clap in observance of this rote ritual, or do you use the opportunity to go to the bar?

"Uh, we're locals, remember? This is prime bar time. My favorite method is to clamber up to the bar, and state, 'Hey, the guys need a round of Jäger's before they can go back on,' and then wave my hand towards myself, as though I'm a long term representative of 'The Guys.' The awesome part is, no bartender knows this trick--I promise. Try it out next time you're at The Replay. It'll be unforgettable."

Opening acts--do you give a shit?

"No."

Do you buy the schwag at the show, or do you go home and steal the CD online?

"There is some misdirection involved in this delicate act. The last time I got legitimate free stuff was at a Forms show in 2006, and that was for breaking up a fight between the drummer and singer. Since then, here's the rule--learn the bass player's last name. Then, if said headlining band is taking an encore, go to the merch guy and say, 'Hey, I'm Dan Bass-Player's-Last-Name's and I'm Bass-Player's-Name's cousin. I've got to split so I can go to work at 6 a.m., so he said I could just grab whatever I need.' Then you go to Love Garden and finance another night of drinking through reselling."

What's the easiest way to to get into a show for free?

"There are a few tricks to this one. One, you just blow through the door guy like you matter. Like you have business to do, you know? You can also trick folks into it by muttering something like, 'Are the guys here already, did they ask for food?!? Crap!' Then they think you're with the entourage. A rarer, but much more powerful trick, is to use the 'b-side' trick on the door guy. This being Lawrence, chances are the door guy is in a band. Find out which one. Then compliment the hell out of that door guy's record, especially the b-side of the record, which is much more likely to be the song they wrote. You'll find it much easier to get into the show."

Are Lawrence crowds snobbier that most crowds?

"Yes. It's part of why I moved here. I toured around the country for years,

and never, ever had a good showing in a club in Lawrence. Anywhere you go will draw at least a little crowd of the underground fans or strange, lonely men that will invite you to crash at their house. The kids in college towns, though, are simultaneously more curious and more cynical about music than any major city in the U.S. The good thing about that is that any acts that want to keep their cred will play here. The bad thing is that you have to watch those acts with kids that just discovered Joan Of Arc or Three Mile Pilot and think that they're more plugged in than you."