TOWNIE GUIDE TO... Combating Global Islamo-Fascist Terrorism

Monday, September 10, 2007


TOWNIE GUIDE TO... Combating Global Islamo-Fascist Terrorism

Aaron Wiley, 29, "Punditocracy" podcaster, patriotic militia-man, freedom fighter

Years in Lawrence: 29

How are you leading your life-in a sufficiently terrified way, of course-to prevent the terrorists from winning?

"First off, as a good American, I live in a constant state of fear. We live in a world where Islamo-Fascism is around every corner and we have people pouring into this country every single day who want to blow us up and take away our freedoms."

Is Al Qaeda in Lawrence? If so, is it a direct result of our domestic partner registry and Democratic governor?

"I don't think gay people getting married has anything to do with whether or not the Islamo-Fascists are going to hit us, and the people elect who they want to elect. I'm absolutely sure we have al Qaeda operatives in our midst, though. They're constantly trying to take away our freedoms, our liberties and our American way of life. We're in this as Americans. It's not a Democrat or Republican issue. This is an issue that goes beyond party lines-but there are politicians that attempt to undermine our War on Terrorism, and they're mostly Democrats."

What are some potential terrorist targets in Lawrence we should be vigilant in guarding?

"I think the sorority houses and frat houses, because they're real Americans. I think Coyote's, because that's a good, American bar. If they want to strike hard at America, they'll strike at Coyote's."

How will you be celebrating the 9-11 holiday, or as I like to call it, "Baby Jesus Spreads Freedom to the Arabs Day"?

"First off, I think we need to give thanks to our brave men and women overseas who are fighting these Islamo-Fascists. I celebrate September 11 with remembrance. Actually, I did get really drunk on the original September 11, because I thought the world was going to end. Now I usually expect mushroom clouds when September 11 rolls around, so I start partying like it's the apocalypse."

If I were Osama bin Laden, where would I hide in Lawrence?

"There's plenty of liberal havens in Lawrence where Osama bin Laden would feel very comfortable. The Bourgeois Pig, for example. Probably our City Hall, because it's overrun with hippies. He'd be pretty comfortable in the Community Mercantile, because they carry all that Middle Eastern food."

Which one of our freedoms do they hate us for the most?

"All of our freedoms. The Bill of Rights, the Constitution-they hate it all. They hate our lifestyle and the way we are. They hate how we allow women to walk freely in this country."

Which of our freedoms that they hate us for should we give up in order to preserve those freedoms?

"Let's look at the Patriot Act, for instance. Everyone's saying 'Oh, they're listening to my phone calls!' Personally, I'm glad they're doing that. If you're not part of a terrorist organization, then you should have nothing to worry about. All of these hippies that are out there whining need to realize that the government is protecting us. To use the quote, 'Freedom isn't free.' I hope they take away freedom of speech, too. Just so long as they don't take my guns..."

Which of the brown people should we fear more: Muslims, Mexicans or unwashed Missouri fans?

"Probably unwashed Missouri fans. I'm sure there are probably some Middle Eastern Mexicans out there, too. Mexico needs to reevaluate their border policy, because the Islamo-Fascists come in through Mexico. I have nothing against Middle Eastern people, I just think we need to screen all of them. Mexicans want to take our jobs, so I think that there are threats from brown people all around."

In the war with the Islamo-Fascists, could our football coach eat their god?

"Of course. In a perfect world, Mark Mangino will win the War on Terrorism."