Townie guide to... Tailgating


TOWNIE GUIDE TO...Tailgating

Matthew "Toast" Habiger, painter, meat maestro

Years In Lawrence: 30

What's more important for a good tailgating party: meat or booze?

"What kind of question is that? You have to have both because they will always coexist with one another. But having to choose? Let's put it this way, if you've got booze with no meat you can still get drunk and fill your stomach with a copious amount of alcohol-enough to kill the reality that you're going to have to just suck it up and deal with the overpriced stadium sausage. If you got 'da meat and no booze, then you should make haste and just end your existence."

How do you manipulate your meat for your guests?

"Who said I'm manipulating it? I encourage anyone to bring ideas to a tailgate on better ways to manipulate meat. When I tailgate, my friends and I share all kinds of different methods for preparing our meat. From different types of marinades to sauces and smoking methods, we go out of our way to make sure that our meat is the juiciest, most mouth-watering experience that will keep our stomachs satisfied for the duration of the game."

Do you even care about the game, or are you strictly in it for the overconsumption?

"I enjoy the excitement of the game and getting together with a bunch of friends. Everything evolves around the game itself. The tailgate is just a pre-party or build-up to the game itself. Chiefs fans, on the other hand, make the game their very existence, but I'm not going to go cry myself to sleep if we lose. It's just a good excuse to get together with a bunch of friends and kick it. I'll leave the concept of over consumption to our county counterparts to the east."

What's more fun to tailgate for, Chiefs or Jayhawks? The Royals aren't really a sports team, so they don't count.

"How can you say that about the Royals? Now I know that they suck, but I grew up with the Royals. Although you really can't instigate a full-blown tailgate for the Royals unless you just paid $500 for a ticket in the playoffs. Fat chance of that happening any time in the near future. A Chiefs tailgate takes the cake! Now if Memorial Stadium could sell beer, that stadium would be packed and much more exciting. If KU has the audacity to charge $75 for the Nebraska game, then the least they can do is serve beer at the game. Maybe we could bring the city some good old, corn-fed Nebraskan DUI revenue."

Do you think every occasion is made better by tailgating? Would you tailgate a funeral? A bris-even though you couldn't have any pork products?

"Only football. A funeral? Come on man, maybe only by request of the deceased. Maybe I should take the time to declare mine. Hmm-consider this my request to have a tailgate at my funeral! I'm sure it's been done before, about everything else has. Now a bris? Seriously? Maybe a Jewish Chiefs fan would consider that."

Is getting drunk and having multiple heart attacks from animal-based products something that Lawrencians excel at?

"Absolutely not. Last I checked, our county didn't start with a 'J'-as in 'jackasses'!"

What are some other elements that make for a great tailgate?

"Good friends. Honestly, I could do without the meat and booze if it was at the cost of being with close friends. That'll never happen, though, so stop asking me questions aimed at striking a sentimental nerve. Jackass."

What's the best cure for a meat hangover?

"A colonic-or just eat a freakin' salad."


Aufbrezeln Eschaton 14 years, 4 months ago

Is anyone else getting a Google ad for "cornhole sets" with this article? Because if you're not, it's a sad, sad thing.

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