Monday, April 21, 2008
The KU debate team finished its 2007-2008 season atop the National Debate Tournament varsity rankings. Whooooooo!!!! National champs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In response, the people of Lawrence poured onto Mass. Street in ordinary numbers to shop, eat, drink and stroll. The date for a downtown parade has not yet been set.
Breaking News is pleased to announce an entry in the ongoing Breaking News Essay Contest. (Send an essay to email@example.com and receive a Special Prize mailed to your door. To those who have previously entered, sorry if your prizes haven't arrived yet. We had to get more T-shirts, etc. You'll receive a lovely box soon. Be patient.)
One Val Tankard writes in response to an item from last week's Breaking News column ("KU students Nick Cole and Paul Hedgpeth, a firecrotch, went streaking down Mass. Street on March 30, a week before such lewd action became all the rage"). She writes:
"Dear Frank, I did not raise a son to label people as "firecrotch." How crass. And now, I have to think of that cute little boy who used to live down the street, Paul, as firecrotch. As your sister, Kitty, says, 'thanks alot,' meaning not. As far as Nick goes, well, you did damage his car in the high school parking lot once, so I guess he does deserve his day in print....but at what cost? Surely your Hearst Award is worthy of something more than this kind of blue journalism. And if you ever came across anything about an organized mass streaking down Jayhawk Boulevard for no reason at all in the spring of 1974....well I'm not owning up to anything. Hah! Now you have to think about THAT! P.S. I need a small T-shirt. People think I'm much larger than I am, which I take as a compliment. Love, Mom
"Also, dear, maybe this contest is not working out very well, since the only people moved to write are your relatives and a few stragglers....who all report that they still haven't received their T-shirts....what's up with that. Maybe you need to try something else. Love you. Love, Mom"
And there's even more mail! One David Hover writes in response to Breaking News' recent publication of a picture of a big scientific device of some kind discovered in the physics building at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. Hover, a physics graduate student at the university, writes:
"I sent it out to some people in my department and here are a few replies:
'what the f*ck? I'm so confused.'
'I feel high just from reading that article.'
'That's MST, and it's included with the article in reference to Madison, WI, much in way the Statue of Liberty might be pictured if they had mentioned New York City or a giant parking lot if they referenced Kansas City.'
'David, that's then thing that makes your data bad every three minutes. Come on, we've been over this!'
In other news, it's not the humidity. It's the heat.
-All facts in this story are real. Got a breaking news tip? Email Frank Tankard at firstname.lastname@example.org. Many others are doing it. And enter the ongoing Breaking News Essay Contest by sending an email of any sort, along with your address, and win the Special Prize.