Actual News*

*...based on actual news

Monday, April 28, 2008

BID-WEST

The Kansas Historical Society last week recommended to state legislators that they not sell historical sites to private bidders as a cost-cutting measure. Lawmakers working on the state budget were looking for input while considering privatizing publicly funded sites. *…The recommendation came as a disappointment to lawmakers who were excited to pitch the “Taco Bell Cheesy Chewy Crunchy Eisenhower Library Gordita Experience,” the “Celebrate Celebrex John Brown Museum, which may increase the chance of heart attack, stroke and bleeding ulcers,” and the “Olive Garden of Eden.”

SUPER MARIO DRUTHERS

Photo by Nick Krug

Kansas University junior guard Mario Chalmers declares his intention to enter the NBA draft in Hadl Auditorium at KU.

KU junior Mario Chalmers announced last week his intention to enter the NBA draft, though without an agent, which leaves open the possibility he may return for a senior year. Chalmers gained national attention for his “miracle” three-pointer during the NCAA championship game, a shot that propelled the Jayhawks to victory. *…Chalmers said at his press conference that the decision to leave was made easier by the level of scrutiny he’s receiving in Lawrence. “Stop tossing infants at me on the court,” implored Chalmers. “I can’t cure sick babies by shooting three-pointers with them.”

KANSAS SHITTY HERE I COME

The makers of Honor Vodka, a premium spirit bottled in Lawrence and available throughout Kansas, are now seeking to distribute their top shelf liquor in Missouri. *…In order to appeal to the typical Missouri connoisseur, Honor will be renamed “Anti-Freeze Gets Your Sister Sloppy.”

AP photo

Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter, with his wife Rosalynn, right, visits the Haddassa Ein Karem hospital in Jerusalem.

CARTER BLANCHE

Former President and Nobel Peace Prize winner Jimmy Carter stirred controversy last week by meeting with members of the militant Palestinian political organization Hamas. Carter was attempting to lay the framework for an Israeli and Palestinian peace agreement, but both the U.S. State Department and the government of Israel consider Hamas a terrorist organization. *…The Bush administration was outraged that the meeting had taken place between Carter and Hamas. “You cannot negotiate in good faith with extremists that seek to subvert freedom and destroy our Judeo-Christian way of life,” fumed Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. “And Hamas isn’t all that great, either.”

MACBOOK PROBE

Overturning a lower court ruling that digital devices are “an extension of our own memory” and should not be searched without cause, an appeals court ruled last week that federal border agents do not need any reason to search through travelers’ laptops, cell phones or digital cameras for evidence of crimes. *…Anti-immigrant crusader Lou Dobbs applauded the decision to restrict the rights of foreign computers coming into the country and is now calling for a wall to be built around Circuit City.

Screenshots from NBC Network

U.S. President George W. Bush on the television game show "Deal or No Deal."

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A 2ND-TERMER?

President Bush appeared on the popular game show “Deal or No Deal” last week. Speaking via satellite to host Howie Mandel, Bush joked he was happy to “be anywhere with high ratings.” A Gallup poll was released last week showing Bush with a 70% disapproval rating, the highest negatives ever recorded in the poll’s history. *…Midway through the taping, Mandel—who spent much of the ’80s inflating rubber gloves on his head—demanded indignantly, “Mr. President, have you no shame?”

Screenshots from USA Network

Senators McCain, Obama, and Clinton appeared on WWE's Raw.

ELECTIONEERING BOOGALOO: ONGOING COVERAGE

Hillary Clinton won the Pennsylvania primary last week, pulling out a 55-45 victory over Barack Obama. Despite the impressive showing in the popular vote, Clinton gained a negligible number of delegates, the metric used to determine the nominee in which Obama still has a significant lead. In a moment of levity leading up to the primary, Clinton, Obama and John McCain all taped segments for WWE Wrestling. *…Clinton’s campaign was quick to spin the Pennsylvania results, with spokesman Howard Wolfson saying, “As goes an overwhelmingly Caucasian, elderly and reactionary Catholic enclave of the Northeast, so goes America!” John McCain, eager to play up his past as a Vietnam POW during the WWE taping, kept insisting that he be put in a cage match.

IRAQATEERING BOOGALOO: INFREQUENT COVERAGE

The New York Times published an investigative report last week detailing the coordinated efforts of the Pentagon and over 75 retired military generals to drum up media support for the Iraq war. The generals were retained by news outlets such as CNN and NBC as impartial analysts but were receiving talking points directly from Donald Rumsfeld’s Department of Defense and were often employed by defense contractors. *…The retired generals can still be seen on television, having launched a Home Shopping Network program selling Middle Eastern wars at “bargain basement prices.”

URSINE IN THE MEMBRANE

Stephan Miller, a professional animal trainer, was killed last week when the 900-pound grizzly bear he was working with bit him in the neck. The bear, Rocky, was a regular in film and television, having recently appeared in Will Ferrell’s “Semi-Pro.” *…When reached for comment, Rocky responded, “What did you expect? I’m a f*cking bear.”

WiiRECTIONS

Peekaboo Pole Dancing, a company that specializes in “pole dancing as fitness,’ recently announced the development of a pole dancing exercise simulator for the Nintendo Wii. *…According to the press release: “For an extra $50, the game comes with a revolutionary ‘ass-tachment’ that will simulate a hastily arranged lap dance in the Champagne Room, with rumble features providing an authentically embarrassing climax! (Change of pants not included.)”

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