Lawrence.com

ELECTIONEERING BOOGALOO: ONGOING COVERAGE

"The Obama Nation," a book written by the same author of "Unfit for Command"-which was the basis for the Swift Boat Veterans attacks against John Kerry in 2004-reached the top of the New York Times Best Seller List last week. "Obama Nation" makes numerous claims about Obama's biography, including that he's lied about his past drug use and ties to Jeremiah Wright. *:Perhaps the most explosive allegation in "The Obama Nation" is the charge that, since he has never specifically refuted it, Obama is a sentient dildo that hates Jews.

BEIJING HARD ON

The Beijing Olympics dominated world attention last week, much of the coverage focused on American swimmer Michael Phelps as he won eight medals, toppled records and became what many commentators are calling the greatest Olympian of all time. In other Olympics news, controversy surrounded the gold-medal-winning Chinese gymnastic team and the age of its female competitors, some of whom it was reported were younger than the required age of 16. *:According to an emergency conference of world historians, the ability of Michael Phelps to move really fast in a swimming pool unambiguously makes him the greatest person in all of human history, and Jesus Christ, by comparison, looks like "a total douche nozzle." The age of the Chinese athletes became suspect when gymnast He Kexin kept tripping over her umbilical chord during floor routines.

HIGER TAX RACKET

A report released last week by the government's own General Accounting Office found that nearly two-thirds of all U.S. corporations paid no income tax from 1998 to 2005.*:The study also found that you are a chump.

SWEET GEORGIA BREACH

The fighting between Georgia and Russia reached an uneasy ceasefire last week, but tensions were still high as Russian troops remained in the breakaway provinces that were at the heart of the armed conflict and President Bush accused Russia of "bullying and intimidation." *:John McCain attempted to scold the Russians in a news conference by saying, "Countries do not invade other countries in the 21st century," but kept cracking up and saying, "No, seriously," while gasping for breath.

DURRR

The University of Bristol released a study last week confirming the phenomenon known as "beer goggles," proving empirically that alcohol makes other people more attractive. *:The Bristol researchers will now turn their attention to a multi-million-dollar study to discover if bears, in fact, shit in the woods.

WAKA RUSE

Wakarusa Festival promoter Brett Mosiman last week threatened to move the annual music and camping event out of Kansas if he's not given a better contract with the Department of Wildlife and Parks. "It is profiling, it is discrimination, it is like saying the black kids can't use the pool," said Mosiman, accusing the state of being biased against hippies. *:Mosiman backpedaled from his initial statement, saying, "OK, that was a bad analogy-hippies would never get near a pool for fear of bathing. Me not getting a more favorable financial arrangement is more like the Holocaust combined with Darfur and sprinkled with Japanese internment camps."

iPWN

Apple last week removed a $999.99 application from its online store that did nothing other than display a functionless red icon on your iPhone under the name "I Am Rich." Before pulling it from the store, eight people had purchased the "I Am Rich" application. *:Of those eight purchases, seven of them were made by the cast of "The Hills" and the last was made by Satan. »