Lawrence.com

ELECTIONEERING BOOGALOO: ONGOING COVERAGE

John McCain, when asked in an interview last week how many homes he owns, responded that he didn't know and he'd have to check with his staff. His staff initially said four, but McCain and his multi-millionaire wife actually have at least seven. The gaffe came on the heals of McCain recently saying that his definition of "rich" was someone making $5 million or more. *:The McCain campaign disputed the allegation that the Republican presidential nominee was elitist and out of touch, saying that four of those estates were simply storage for John's pallets of lobbyist cash and Cindy's Faberge private jets.

OLYMPICS MENINGITIS!

The 2008 Beijing Olympics came to a close this week, with the United States leading in the overall medal count and China a close second, although China had earned more gold medals than the U.S. China could be stripped of some medals depending on the results of an investigation into whether some of its gymnasts were legally of age to perform. *:The case against China's gymnasts will be difficult to prove, however, as they've already been converted into dog food to be sold at U.S. Wal-Marts.

BIDEN SHOTGUN

Barack Obama named Delaware Senator and former presidential rival Joe Biden as his running mate last week. Biden has over 30 years of experience in Washington and is regarded as a foreign policy expert. The Obama campaign announced the news via e-mail and text message to its millions of supporters. *:Kansas Governor Kathleen Sebelius, once considered to be on the short list for vice president, received a text message from Obama reading "DOOD, U DNT THINK ITS U DO U??? LMAO ROFL!!! JK, SRSLY ;P U CAN HAS CABNIT PUZISHUN"

SAX FEET UNDER

LeRoi Moore, saxophonist for the Dave Matthews Band, died last week at the age of 46 of complications related to an ATV accident. *:In honor of the fallen Dave Matthews Band member, Abercrombie & Fitch polo shirt collars were worn at half mast at fraternities across the country.

YETI LARCENY

Two men who claimed to have found the carcass of a dead bigfoot in rural Georgia last week admitted that it was all a hoax, saying they just stuffed an ape costume with roadkill and entrails. The admission, however, didn't come until after an organization called Sasquatch Detective had paid them an undisclosed sum of money for exclusive rights to the story. *:Cryptozooligists say the fact someone actually fell for this is definitive proof that subhuman missing links do exist.

HYPOCRITIC OATH

The Bush administration last week announced plans to implement regulations designed to protect health care workers who object to abortion from being forced to deliver services that violate their personal beliefs.*..."Just to be clear," said Health and Human Services Secretary Mike Leavitt, "if you're a soldier who refuses to kill people in Iraq, you're still going to jail."

MARKIEFFSMANSHIP

Incoming Kansas University basketball player Markieff Morris entered a not guilty plea last week in a battery case in which he's accused of shooting a woman with a BB gun from the window of his Jayhawker Towers apartment. *:At a joint press conference, Markieff's parents expressed regret for buying him an official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle for Christmas. Morris' brother, Marcus, could not be reached for comment as he was busy getting beaten up by Farkus and Dill.

IRONY, THY NAME IS TOBY

Toby Keith, the country musician who became a conservative icon in the wake of September 11 after promising in his hit song "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue" he would put a boot in the ass of our enemies, last week admitted to supporting Barack Obama. "I think he's the best Democratic candidate we've had since Bill Clinton," said Keith. "And that's coming from a Democrat." *:In other startling celebrity news, John McCain has named Zach de la Rocha as his running mate and Ann Coulter has a soul. »