Speaking as an ardent karaoke enthusiast, let's face it-karaoke is the musical equivalent of masturbation. It's a stigmatized act of self-gratification, done in the shadows of generally sticky confines, drenched in sweat and shame. Also like furtive onanism, however, we chronically return to karaoke because it's damn fun. And so, for those fellow travelers willing to throw off the shackles of Puritanism and delve into those forbidden pleasures of manual simulation, we offer a tour of the Lawrence karaoke circuit. This is by no means a complete accounting, as some karaoke is so depraved it has been driven deep underground to the same nether regions as cockfighting and Royals baseball, but rather a list of recurring and accessible karaoke that won't land you in a Tijuana prison.
The Bottleneck
Most Sunday nights, following Smackdown Trivia, this storied concert venue is opened up to your deluded fantasies of rock stardom. Being able to prowl the same stage that has hosted everyone from Eddie Vedder to Cat Power adds a patina of legitimacy to your tragic caterwauling that it really doesn't deserve. The song selection is perhaps the most eclectic in town. With karaoke warhorses such as Abba and Garth Brooks getting obligatory representation, it also gives voice to more obscure gems like "Gay Bar" by the Electric Six. The crowd is very low key and the host, attentive to your requests, doesn't try to hog the spotlight-which is MINE goddammit! Be warned, however-if you overindulge and attempt to punish the audience more than twice, you will be relegated on the sign up sheet to "Karaoke Slut." And, yes, your humble author was labeled a "Karaoke Slut." That I trashed the stage, climbed the speaker towers and broke one of the microphones also did nothing to endear me to the hosts.
The Jackpot Saloon
Like an elliptical comet or me performing sober, this event is rare. Usually held only once a month, and at varying dates, vigilance is required to catch the Jackpot's karaoke. Like the Bottleneck, you have the opportunity to mount a genuine stage and fulfill your wettest dreams of Steve Perry-hood. The songbook is unfortunately a bare-bones collection of standards lacking in surprises or deep tracks. If you're just looking to belt out "Son of a Preacher Man," however, you'll do fine. What Jackpot lacks in depth of selection it makes up for in audience dedication and sexability. While performing "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails, I was spontaneously joined on stage by a band of grinding young women, and the dapper host cheerily joined in on the chorus of "I want to f*ck you like an animal."
Encore Cafe
A slice of authentic Asian "box" karaoke. Chasing this dragon is a different beast all together. Instead of the debased cattle call format of most karaoke gatherings, where you stand before a room full of besotted strangers who are at best indifferent to your egomaniacal warbling, Encore Cafe allows you to embarrass yourself privately amongst friends. You reserve a room that's about the size of an interrogation booth at Gitmo for $35 an hour, then you and however many intimates you want to squeeze into that hot box-we were able to fit six comfortably-have free reign over an intimidating pile of bleeding edge karaoke equipment. Once you figure out how to navigate the awkwardly translated Engrish menus, you are the master of your own karaoke destiny. The song selection is a bizarre mixture of Asian pop you've never heard of and American Top 40. Thanks to an insidious credit system where alcohol is constantly brought to your room by the metric ton, things can get out of hand quickly. What began for us as tentative, giggle-strewn renditions of "Fernando" devolved into table-dancing, barn-burning bellowing to "Born to be Wild." This is concentrated karaoke at its drunken Japanese businessman best.
Set 'Em Up Jacks
Certainly off the beaten downtown path, this sports bar and grill on the outskirts of East Lawrence offers every Saturday a pure form of American gothic karaoke. While ESPNs 1 through 76 are bombarding you on every inch of wall space, and a clientele of baby boomers in NASCAR t-shirts to Trace Adkins doppelgangers in sleeveless flannel shirts and 10-gallon hats nurse their Miller Lites, a karaoke space is cleared out on the dining area floor. The songbook is perhaps the most exhaustive I've ever seen, thicker than a Bangkok brothel directory, and it runs the gamut of every genre-if they don't have it, they'll get if for you. The wireless microphones allow you to roam the premises and free you up for unfettered paroxysms. Despite their predilection toward Carrie Underwood, the regulars at Set 'Em Up Jacks welcome all comers, including idiots who mangle Smashing Pumpkins while wearing a bikini.
Your House
While going out on the town and making an unsuspecting public feel very uncomfortable in the sheer face of your talentlessness is half the fun of karaoke, sometimes you just want to get drunk and spit fire in the comfort of your own home. Enter "Rock Band." This multi-platform video game phenomenon is the best DIY karaoke option available. While it's earned the ardor of hardcore gamers thanks to its bass/guitar/drums rhythm simulation, "Rock Band" truly becomes an all-inclusive party starter with the addition of vocals. Rawk fans will be bowled over by an amazing selection of boner jams, which is ever expanding thanks to downloadable content. If you can't afford the somewhat pricey kit, find a friend who can-now. Oh, and make sure those friends don't have neighbors who are dicks, because you'll be blowing the windows out of that joint. »
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