Actual News*

*:based on actual news

DENY OF THE TIGER

The KU men's basketball team, perhaps inspired by a refusal of the Missouri team to shake hands before the game, routed the Tigers 90-71 last week. In the ongoing border rivalry, the Jayhawks are now undefeated against Missouri this season. *...The victory was seen by Jayhawk fans as vindication following the KU football team's loss to Missouri last year, and is now also credited with retroactively winning the Vietnam War.

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JAYCAUCS

Last Tuesday saw 36,663 voters participate in the Kansas Democratic caucus, with 4,872 of them in Lawrence alone. Barack Obama crushed Hillary Clinton 73%-25% statewide, and 80%-19% in Lawrence. The massive turnout created traffic, parking and other organizational headaches, including people being turned away at Abe & Jake's in downtown Lawrence because of overflowing capacity. Critics contend that these logistical problems could have been prevented if Kansas had stuck with a primary election rather than the more complicated caucus process, but the state legislature had refused to pay for the more expensive primary.*:Saturday's Republican caucuses faced hurdles of their own when they quickly ran out of Metamucil and handicapped parking.

COAL DISCLOSURE

In the ongoing fight over coal-fired power plants in western Kansas, Republican Congressional leaders said last week that both proposed plants must be built and that Gov. Kathleen Sebelius' offer to allow one plant was not made in good faith. Sebelius vehemently denied the charge. *...Sebelius said she was willing to compromise on the bill, going so far as to allow both plants to be built as long they were powered by burning every copy of her son's controversial new board game, Don't Drop the Soap. "You'd seriously be doing me a huge solid," said Sebelius.

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ELECTIONEERING BOOGALOO: ONGOING COVERAGE

Last week's flurry of presidential primaries and caucuses known as Super Tuesday has shaken up the Republican field of candidates, but only intensified the Democratic side. John McCain increased his delegate count to the point where his main rival, Mitt Romney, suspended his campaign for the Republican nomination. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton each claimed a measure of victory in the Democratic race, with Obama winning more states and Clinton claiming an overall delegate lead. *...Due to the archaic and Byzantine rules of Democratic delegate apportioning, Obama won a majority of pledged delegates on Tuesday, Clinton won a majority of unpledged delegates, and Bill Richardson won half of a goat. Remaining super delegates will be chosen by consulting the entrails of a virgin. On the Republican side, Mike Huckabee and John McCain frantically scrambled to convince Romney's newly available supporters they could be the most "Romney-esque." Huckabee vowed to never be honest about anything ever again, and McCain began replacing nouns and most adverbs in his language with the word "Reagan."

GONE WITH THE WIND

Deadly tornadoes swept through the South last Tuesday, killing at least 60 in Tennessee, Arkansas, Mississippi, Kentucky and Alabama. President Bush declared the areas hit in Tennessee and Arkansas as major disasters and had FEMA dispatch assets early Wednesday. *...FEMA wouldn't comment on what may have caused the unseasonably fierce weather, but they're pretty sure it's Al Gore's fault.

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SOMETHING WAKA THIS WAY COMES

The Wakarusa Music & Camping Festival recently announced the addition of country legend Emmylou Harris to an already eclectic lineup that includes The Flaming Lips, Arrested Development, Split Lip Rayfield and Del the Funkyhomosapien. Tickets are on sale now for the festival, held June 5 at Clinton Lake in Lawrence.*...This year's roster of Warakusa talent is promising to be as varied as the one that featured John Tesh, Cannibal Corpse, a donkey flatulating into a microphone, and Ol' Dirty Bastard's klezmer side project, The Jew-Tang Clan.

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NO FLAVOR COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN

The World Health Organization released a report last week estimating that tobacco use killed 100 million people worldwide in the 20th century and could kill 1 billion people in the 21st century. The study urged governments to invest more in prevention and to crack down on tobacco company advertising. *...Tobacco lobbyists objected to the study's methodology, arguing that those billion people probably would have just died from bird flu anyway.

STUPOR BOWL

A student-led proposal approved by the Kansas Union's board of directors would allow beer sales on the KU campus for the first time in nearly a decade. The measure would permit 3.2 beer sales in the Jaybowl and Hawk's Nest on the lowest level of the student union. Drinkers would be limited to two beers per person per evening, and those 21 and older would have their IDs scanned before receiving a wristband. The KU provost needs to sign off on the proposal before it could be ennacted. *...Union directors argue that beer is crucial to the success of the Jaybowl, as it's the only way that bowling could ever possibly be interesting.

THE NEEDLE AND THE DAMNING DONE

In a bizarre twist of the federal inquiries into steroid abuse in Major League Baseball, Roger Clemens' former trainer, Brian McNamee, walked into the House of Representatives last week carrying seven-year-old bloody syringes, vials and gauze pads. McNamee's lawyers say this gruesome evidence will prove their client has truthfully accused Clemens of using steroids and human growth hormones. *...Clemens didn't help his case when he blurted out, "Hey! Those are my old steroid needles you used to stick in my ass!"

VENTI DOUBLE HALF-CAF DRY LOW FATWA MACCHIATO

An American businesswoman and a married mother of three was strip searched and thrown in jail last week by Saudi Arabia's religious police for sitting with a male colleague at a Starbucks coffee shop in Riyadh. The woman has since been released. *...A U.S. State Department official responded to the incident by saying, "Hey, which American value did you think we were going to export? Egalitarianism that could dispel this sort of misogynistic oppression-or Starbucks? I think you know the answer to that one, sweet cheeks. Now run and get me a frappucchino, you crazy dame!" »

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