Actual News*

*:based on actual news

ANONYMOUS BOTCH

The Lawrence Journal-World did not comply with a search warrant issued last week to learn the identity of an anonymous poster in the ljworld.com comments. The warrant was in conjunction with the investigation of the death of a KU student, but the Journal-World refused to divulge the information on First Amendment grounds.*...News of the warrant sent a chill through the ljworld.com forums. "If we can't make disparaging comments about minorities and homosexuals behind a wall of secrecy in between rounds of Minesweeper from the safety of our office cubicles without fear of having to take responsibility for our words, then the gay Mexican terrorists have truly won," lamented ThunderBeaver69 (Anonymous).

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AP Photo

Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick (center) is escorted by U.S. Marshals for his arraignment in July.

YELLOW VICK ROAD

Michael Vick, serving out his 23-month sentence for involvement with a brutal dog-fighting ring, has been transferred to Leavenworth Federal Penitentiary in Kansas. The disgraced NFL quarterback will attend a drug treatment program in Leavenworth's minimum security facility.*...Ever since he saw "The Wizard of Oz" as a child, Vick has reportedly always dreamed of coming to Kansas and hooking Toto up to a car battery.

THE WIND TIMES ARE NIGH

Westar Energy, whose efforts to build two coal-burning electric plants were recently rejected by Governor Sebelius' administration, has finalized plans to build three wind farms across Kansas. The project will cost $500 million and produce 300 megawatts of energy, some of which will be available this year.*...Westar was proud to announce that the farms will utilize the cutting edge in coal-powered wind turbines.

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AP Photo

RETAIL POLITICS

After nearly six years of political and legal wrangling, the Lawrence City Commission gave final approval for a new Wal-Mart in west Lawrence last week. "I think this is a good day for the city," said developer Bill Newsome. "It will bring convenience, and in this age of expensive fuel prices, I think that's important."*...The decision comes as a huge relief to many west Lawrence residents, whose Escalades don't have enough gas mileage to reach the end of their driveways.

CROPS AND ROBBERS

As a result of soaring wheat prices, western Kansas is experiencing a crime wave of wheat thievery from grain elevators by suspects in tractor trailers. In just one of over a dozen incidents, thieves in the town of Syracuse made off with more than $50,000 worth of raw wheat.*...Police are calling this grain robbery the least Atkins-friendly crime since the infamous Krispy Kreme Massacre of 2003.

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AP Photo

A small Iranian craft is in the foreground with what purportedly shows U.S. naval ships in the background in this image taken from Iranian state TV.

GULF OF WANKIN' RESOLUTION

The Pentagon released a video last week that it claims documents Iranian speedboats harassing U.S. warships in the Persian Gulf. Iran disputes those claims and has released its own video, which it claims disproves the charges.*...Upon hearing that there's now the thinnest pretext for war with Iran, Dick Cheney went into cardiac arrest when what little blood is left in his body was precipitously diverted to a massive hard on.

SUPER MONKEY BALLIN'

Researchers in Singapore recently published a study that documents male macaque monkeys in Indonesia trading grooming services for sex with females, a process the study calls "payment for sex."*...Researchers will see if they can replicate the monkey prostitution by dumping 20 mandrills into a hot tub with Charlie Sheen. In other news, Louisiana Senator David Vitter hastily booked a one-way flight to Indonesia.

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AP Photo

Writers striking in front of NBC headquarters.

THE GOLDEN CHURLS

The Golden Globes award ceremony was officially canceled last week because of the ongoing writer's guild strike. Since celebrities refuse to cross the picket lines, the show was scrapped in favor of an hour-long press conference to announce the winners.*...With no red carpet ceremony this year, Joan Rivers has been disassembled and returned to deep freeze.

POLL OF SH*T

Despite every major poll showing Barack Obama handily defeating her, Hillary Clinton won the New Hampshire Democratic primary last week. Some analysts attributed the remarkable turnaround to an incident where Clinton became emotional at a campaign function and nearly shed tears. Other analysts attributed it to backlash against negative media coverage of the incident. On the Republican side, John McCain easily cruised to victory over Mitt Romney (2nd) and Mike Huckabee (3rd).*...Since playing what analysts called "the gender card" seemingly worked so well for Clinton, a desperate Mitt Romney has announced he will grow breasts and begin lactating "all over the place" at future campaign events.

DRINK BACARDI LIKE IT'S YOUR SMURFDAY

The Smurfs, those blue-skinned imps who starred in both a long-running comic strip and successful animated series from the '80s, celebrate their 50th birthday this week. The Smurfs were created by Belgian cartoonist Pierre Culliford--better known as "Peyo"--in 1958.*...Smurf or fiction? "Peyo" earned his nickname by regularly ingesting massive amounts of hallucinogenic peyote. These binges led to the creation of the Smurfs, whom Peyo claimed were crawling beneath his skin and eating his eyeballs from the inside out. Isn't knowledge the smurfiest? Now go smurf yourselves, kids!

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