Actual News*

*:based on actual news

SLAYHAWKS

Missouri senator Dan Clemens introduced a bill last week which would make the Kansas Jayhawk the game bird of the state of Missouri, designating the fictional mascot as the official bird to be hunted throughout the state in anticipation of the KU-Missouri basketball game.*...The Missouri legislature is also considering a measure that would begin construction of a massive series of walls which, when viewed from space, would read "I'm With Stupid" beneath an arrow pointing west.

photo

AP Photo

Campaign workers cheer for Democratic presidential hopeful Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, D-N.Y., as they celebrate her victory in the Nevada caucus at the Planet Hollywood Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas.

POLITICKING TIME BOMB

In the constantly shifting presidential primary battle, Democrat Hillary Clinton narrowly defeated Barack Obama and Republican Mitt Romney easily defeated his rivals in the Nevada caucuses. In South Carolina, John McCain won the Republican primary with Mike Huckabee coming in a close second. Democrats will hold their South Carolina primary on Saturday.*...During the Nevada caucus, a disheveled and pantless Rudy Giuliani was found in Circus Circus Casino betting his campaign's last $5 at the Pai Gow table. In South Carolina, Hillary Clinton made an ill-advised attempt to court the African American vote by reenacting scene's from Chris Rock's "Pootie Tang" in full black face.

photo

AP Photo

Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius greets lawmakers as she enters the House Chambers

GOVERNOR SELECT

It was announced last week that Kansas Governor Kathleen Sebelius has been tapped to deliver the Democratic rebuttal to President Bush's State of the Union address on Jan. 28. Sebelius will deliver her speech live on national television from the Kansas governor's mansion.*...In solidarity with the striking writer's guild, Sebelius will deliver the rebuttal sporting a full beard.

photo

AP Photo

President Bush

WHITEWASH.GOV

In the ongoing congressional investigation of missing Bush Administration e-mails, it was revealed last week that no Executive Office e-mail was archived for 473 days between 2003 and 2005. The White House claims the gaps are a result of mistakenly recycling computer backup tapes.*...Further investigation revealed the actual cause of the missing e-mail to be an overly sensitive spam filter, automatically deleting those e-mails referencing "Dick" Cheney, George "Bush," or "Hot Karl" Rove.

photo

AP Photo

Stephen Six stands with his wife Betsy and son Will during a news conference in Topeka.

ATTORNEY QUIT

Douglas County District Judge Stephen Six was appointed state attorney general by Gov. Kathleen Sebelius Friday. Six will replace Paul Morrison, who will step down Jan. 31 in the wake of a sex and ethics scandal. In 2005, Six was appointed to the bench by Sebelius. Before being named a judge, Six was a plaintiff's attorney in the firm of Shamberg, Johnson & Bergman in Kansas City, Mo.*...Sources say finding Morrison's replacement would have gone much quicker if Phill Kline, using aliases such as "Bill Fline," hadn't repeatedly applied for his old job in a series of obvious disguises involving fake mustaches and a monocle.

photo

AP Photo

Siljander

SHEIKH DOWN

Mark Deli Siljander, a former Republican congressman from Michigan, was indicted last week on charges of working for an alleged terrorist fundraising ring that sent more than $130,000 to al-Qaida operatives. Siljander was a lobbyist for the Islamic American Relief Agency, a Columbia, Missouri-based organization labeled by the Treasury Department as a terrorist front group.*...Now that they've been revealed as having harbored an al-Qaida collaborator, President Bush has launched a pre-emptive military strike against the Republican Party and has vowed to smoke himself out of his cave.

THE COLBERT REPORTRAIT

photo

AP Photo

Mock conservative comedian Stephen Colbert's quest to get his portrait hung in the Smithsonian ended in victory last week. The National Portrait Gallery in Washington D.C. agreed to temporarily hang a painting of Colbert on a wall between their public restrooms.*...Not to be outdone, Bill O'Reilly has successfully lobbied to have his face etched into the urinal cakes at a Georgetown rest stop.

CRIMSON AND TWO

Following their nail-biting victory over Missouri last week, the still undefeated Jayhawks climbed to second place in the ESPN/USA Today NCAA College Basketball rankings. Memphis, the only other undefeated team in the nation, is No. 1.*..."I don't pay attention to the polls. Coming in second makes absolutely no difference to me," said KU coach Bill Self to no one in particular while he tearfully cut his inner thigh with a razor blade.

UP WOLF CREEK WITHOUT A PADDLE

Federal regulators will soon begin investigating last week's emergency shut down of the Wolf Creek nuclear plant near Burlington. Part of the system that provides cooling water to the nuclear reactor was found to have been malfunctioning, but has been repaired. The plant is now back online.*...Hoping to put a positive spin on the episode, the Kansas Film Commission announced that Burlington residents caught in a Wolf Creek melt down would definitely be offered a role as an irradiated mutant in any remake of "The Day After."

Comments

Use the comment form below to begin a discussion about this content.

Commenting has been disabled for this item.