Beyond Puppet Dome

Stuffing flies as foul-mouthed troupes engage in "Puppet Wars"

This town just ain't big enough for two packs of puppets. To prove the point, The Felt Show and the Shitty Deal Puppet Theater will settle their raging Tourrette's turf war in mortal combat. What began as innocent smack talk in's comments space soon escalated into full-on puppecidal mania. The row shall be resolved in the theater of war-which will actually just be a bar, but you get the point. Representatives of both The Felt Show and Shitty Deal pulled the sticks and fists out of their posteriors long enough to talk with us about their declaration of "Puppet Wars." This show is being billed as Shitty Deal versus Felt Show-why such antagonism? You don't see Lambchop burning crosses on Sesame Street, or Miss Piggy narcing Topo Gigio out to INS. This is very un-puppet-like behavior.

Charlie the Homeless Puppet (Felt Show): They struck first! We were just minding our own business and all of a sudden they attacked us. What were we supposed to do? They compared us to feltching. I had no idea what that was until that day. But the last straw was them calling us out at the Victor Continental show. Luckily, we had one of our people in the crowd to defend us from what could have been another ugly attack. We want to have this battle out in the open for everyone to see. No more of these cowardly attacks, and let the people know who the best troupe in Lawrence is.

Mr. Doper (Shitty Deal): All I know is that the Fuzz Show, or whatever those putzish puppet pud pullers are calling themselves these days, were going around telling the entire town that they were the only adult puppet show game in town. That is, as we say in the puppeteering world, a goddamn dirty lie. We were literally pulling performances out of our asses while they were still a work order at some third world country sweatshop! And they have the foam balls to call us cowards! We're gonna to tear them a new hand hole. All of 'em. They should've named this show "Felt the Pain," because that's how they're gonna feel. Bitches.

Past Event

"Puppet Wars: Attack of the Felt"

  • Friday, January 25, 2008, 8:30 p.m.
  • Fatso's, 1016 Mass., Lawrence
  • 21+ / $5


Now that we've established you guys hate each other, how exactly are we going to resolve this? Do I need to call in Jimmy Carter? Let's not get Bono involved in any of this mess...

Charlie (Felt Show): I wish we could resolve this peacefully, but those little sons-a-bitches need to have their non-existent asses handed to them to teach them some respect. Jimmy might get hurt if he gets in the middle of this-Bono definitely would.

Dr. Sludgebucket (Shitty Deal): If I may say somesink here, ja? It has been scientifically proven by scientists that it iz scientifically impossible for za Shitty puppets and za Felty puppets to get along. But zeez puppets together would be drawn, by science and in tandem, into FINAL und BLOODY combat against ze Bono were he to ever wear that leather jacket wiz ze American flag on the inside again. Zis is both because he iz a pain in ze ass, and dirty Irish.

Bobby (Shitty Deal): I just wish we could all get along and be special friends- like my mom and the guys she writes to in prison. Gosh, Gavon Laessig, how come nobody seems to like Bono very much?

Good question, Bobby. I'm guessing it's entrenched bigotry against condescending dwarves-that, and people still haven't gotten over "Zooropa." Back to the conflict at hand-besides lawyer bait for George Lucas, what exactly is "Puppet Wars"?

Charlie (Felt Show): It is a battle against good and evil, but I really don't know what side we are on. I think we are on the good side, but like professional wrestling, those kinds of things can change in an instant.

Mr. Doper (Shitty Deal): Well, Gavon, it's so simple that even the geniuses who post on the Lawrence Journal-World forums can understand it. Two shows enter, one show leaves. First, you'll see a little Felt Show, then some Shitty Deal, then a little more Felt Show, then some more of us. The audience decides, possibly with concealed weapons, who wins and who goes down in flames. There will be blood, tears, sweat, and-possibly-humping hand puppets. It'll be like "Deadwood," only with much shittier production values. About the same amount of swearing, though.

For those of us with a bookie, any predictions on who will emerge victorious?

Charlie (Felt Show): Of course we will totally destroy them, but it will be for a good cause-which is to totally destroy them. But don't worry, people-we'll do it nice and slow so you can get your money's worth.

Bobby (Shitty Deal): "Nice and slow so you can get your money's worth." That's what mommy says to my one-night daddies.

Mr. Doper (Shitty Deal): That's right, kid. And like your mom, we're going to leave these puppets wishing they had stayed home with their bottles of Night Train, "Cop Rock" reruns, and TV tray full of self loathing.


Use the comment form below to begin a discussion about this content.

Commenting has been disabled for this item.