Actual News*

*:based on actual news

BUTTERFLY FLAPPING WINGS AT LAST CALL RESULTS IN HURRICANE

In an article entitled "Fight at Last Call again leads to highway shooting," the Lawrence Journal-World last week reported that two men from Kansas City who were ejected from the downtown establishment were involved in a shooting on K-10. No one was hurt.*:In similar culpability news, The Bottleneck is responsible for last week's birth of a baby girl because two people got really drunk at Neon nine months ago.

PIPE REAM

Lawrence police began cracking down on the sale of glass pipes last week, actively enforcing tough new drug laws passed last year in the Kansas legislature. The recent push specifically targets pipes used for crack and methamphetamines, but also includes hookahs, scales, and other paraphernalia.*:Hoping to eradicate the scourge of gravity bongs, Kansas lawmakers have also outlawed Newtonian physics.

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A customer shops for flat screen televisions at Best Buy in Guilderland, N.Y. The success of the federal $150 billion emergency economic stimulus plan will hinge on whether American consumers do what they do best - spend, spend, spend.

MASTER REBATERS

Following a tumultuous week on Wall Street and growing fears of recession, congressional leaders agreed to an economic stimulus package which will give virtually every American hundreds of dollars in tax rebates. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and Minority Leader John Boehner announced the nearly $100 billion bill last week, which President Bush has said he will sign as soon as it reaches his desk.*:"And if a $600 check doesn't reverse the housing market collapse and stabilize the Middle East," said Pelosi of the compromise legislation, "next month we'll begin handing out free subscriptions to Netflix."

WEAPONS OF MASS PREVARICATION

Two nonprofit journalism organizations released a study last week which found that President Bush and top administration officials, in the two years following the Sept. 11 attacks, issued 935 false statements about the national security threat from Iraq. "The actions taken in 2003 were based on the collective judgment of intelligence agencies around the world," said White House spokesperson Scott Stanzel in response to the study.*:"We're not concerned about what we may or may not have said five years ago," he continued. "Now, who wants to ask me about the super secret intelligence we have about Iran's development of homosexual Mexican worm people intent on burrowing into your home and stealing your rebate check?"

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ELECTIONEERING BOOGALOO

In what could only be described as a huge victory, Barack Obama defeated Hillary Clinton in the South Carolina Democratic primary 55% to 37% last week. John Edwards, who was born in South Carolina, came in a distant third.*...Obama's win came despite what his critics allege is a lack of experience being married to Bill Clinton.

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Fred Thompson

FRED END and DENNIS II SOCIETY

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Dennis Kucinich

Presidential candidates Fred Thompson and Dennis Kucinich both dropped out of the race for their respective parties' nominations last week. Thompson, the former "Law & Order" actor, entered the race late and failed to place better than third in any of the Republican primaries. Kucinich, congressman from Ohio, never garnered more than single digit support on the Democratic side.*...Thompson made the final decision after it became apparent he just couldn't compete with the vigor and raw sex appeal of Mike Huckabee. His campaign assured supporters that any unused contributions will be blown on Cialis and Aqua Velva. Dennis Kucinich's departure from the presidential race came as a shock to those who found out Dennis Kucinich was in the presidential race.

PORCH DRUNKEYS

Downtown bar owners asked city commissioners last week to allow bars to have the same sort of sidewalk seating areas that Lawrence restaurants currently enjoy. Commissioners at the meeting said they wanted more information before making a final decision.*:The commissioners were sympathetic to the outdoor drinking request, as they're frequently seen downing bottles of Cristal with Wal-Mart lobbyists on the City Hall balcony. While they were on the topic, Boog Highberger officially requested that his fellow commissioners stop shouting "Show us your tits" whenever he walks by.

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A makeshift memorial for the deceased actor Heath Ledger is seen outside the apartment building where his body was found in the SoHo neighborhood of New York.

HEATH STIFF

Actor Heath Ledger was found dead in his New York City apartment last week. The 28-year-old received an Oscar nomination for his performance in "Brokeback Mountain" and had just completed work on the new Batman movie, portraying the Joker. The cause of death is unknown. *...Celebrity gossip site TMZ.com broke the news of Ledger's tragic passing with a headline reading, "Thank God Somebody More Famous Than Brad Renfro Died!"

DOODLE BUFF

The Department of Art in KU's School of Fine Arts announced last week it will offer a figure drawing class featuring nude models that will be free and open to the public. The class will be from 11 a.m.-2 p.m. on the following Saturdays: 2/2, 2/9, 3/1, 3/8, 3/29, 4/5, 4/12, 4/19 and 4/26 in room 405 of the KU Art & Design Building. Those under the age of 18 must have permission from a guardian. For more information, call (785) 864-4401.*:As a show of support, KU chancellor Robert Hemmenway offered to pose for the first class.

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OSCAR MIRED

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences announced their Oscar nominees last week, although the status of the awards ceremony is still in doubt due the writer's guild strike. "There Will Be Blood," "No Country For Old Men," "Juno," "Atonement," and "Michael Clayton" were nominated for best picture, with "There Will Be Blood" and "No Country For Old Men" tied for the most overall nominations.*:Since most nominees refuse to cross the picket line and attend the award ceremony, all Oscars will be accepted by a rotating assemblage of the American Gladiators, Danny Bonaduce, and the lie detector machine from Fox's "The Moment of Truth."

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Kansas Governor Kathleen Sebelius, who delivered the Democratic rebuttal to President Bush's State of the Union address on Monday, posing in the February issue of Vogue magazine. (*:Missouri Governor Matt Blunt's Victoria's Secret photo shoot was deemed too "raunchy" for this publication.)

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