Townie guide to... hawk fever

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Charlie Campbell, enjoys KU sports, Perfect Dark 0, and "being awesome"

Years in Lawrence: 20

As of right now, KU is undefeated-would you rather gouge your eyes out with a wooden spoon or saw off your leg with a cheese grater in order to keep it that way? To what lengths should a fan go to ensure a victorious season?

"Personally, I'm not into self mutilation. I heard that a Tiger fan's rite of passage includes self castration, but that could be a rumor that I just started. As far as how far a fan should go, I think supporting the team by watching or attending games-and mercilessly teasing any Tiger fan-is a must."

Superstitions or rituals for game day?

"I ritualistically sacrifice a goat before every game. Just kidding-they won't let me into the petting zoo anymore. I watch the game on TV, but if the game starts going bad I mute the TV and listen to the announcer on the radio. I also wear my lucky Darnell Jackson jersey."

On the schadenfreude scale-1 being "Serves the bum right" and 10 being "Laughing my ass off while God afflicts him with boils"-how gratifying is it to see Roy Williams and North Carolina fall behind KU in the polls?

"Roy who? The best revenge is a winning season. There is no lingering distaste for Roy because we now have Bill Self, and he has done such a phenomenal job developing this team. That said, North Carolina can suck it."

Is KU football mania still eclipsing the basketball team's achievement? Is Mangino's shadow that wide?

"No, it just shows that Kansas University not only provides a well rounded education for it's students, but it also has a well rounded sports program. Who says we can't be great at both?"

Who the hell does Memphis think they are? I mean, seriously?

"I know! Last I heard, people in Tennessee didn't have shoes and now they have a basketball team? Have you seen their pep band? It's just a bunch of dudes with banjos."

Predictions for the rest of the season? Will KU go on to win the White House in the general?

"If it were a movie it would come down to Kansas and North Carolina in the final show down, and Kansas would win with a three pointer thrown on the buzzer. Then Danny Manning would toss Bill Self up in the air like a little girl. In all seriousness, though, I do think we could win it all this year. It is, after all, the 20 year anniversary of 'Danny and the Miracles.'"

What's the best remedy for our eventual failure in the post season? Violence or denial?

"Why are you such a pessimist? The great thing about sports is that after the final game is over you can start dreaming about next season."

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