Actual news*

*based on actual news

INFECT MEX

It was revealed last week that one of Lawrence's drive-through mainstays, Burrito King, was hit with $1,250 worth of fines for violating numerous Kansas health codes. Failure to sanitize utensils and handling food with unwashed hands were included in the litany. *:Health inspectors weren't overly concerned, however, as most people who eat at Burrito King have enough alcohol in their system to kill every microorganism known to science.

ELECTIONEERING BOOGALOO: ONGOING COVERAGE

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Republican presidential candidate Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., speaks at a campaign town hall-style meeting at the Denver Center for the Performing Arts.

The Democratic National Committee this week confirmed that Barack Obama will accept his party's nomination for the presidency in August at Denver's Invesco Field, a football stadium that can hold more than 75,000 people. On the Republican side, John McCain denied a story by one of his Republican colleagues, Senator Thad Cochran, that he physically assaulted an aide to the Nicaraguan president during a 1988 diplomatic mission. Although he now supports McCain, Cochran has said in the past that "the thought of his being president sends a cold chill down my spine. He is erratic. He is hotheaded. He loses his temper and he worries me." *:The Republican National Committee, responding to the news that Obama will be filling a football stadium during his party's convention, promptly announced that McCain will be accepting his nomination at the I-94 Shoney's just outside of St. Paul. At the same press conference, when a reporter asked if McCain's temper might be an issue during the campaign, McCain himself leapt out of the shadows and savagely beat the reporter with a crude truncheon fashioned out of human bone and rusty nails.

REAMING VIDEO

A U.S. district judge ruled last week that Google will have to turn over every record of every video watched on YouTube, including the users' names and their IP addresses, to media giant Viacom, which is suing Google for allowing clips of copyrighted videos to appear on YouTube. *:Ironically, one of the users whose personal information was included in the handover was Viacom Chairman Sumner Redstone, who likes to get really high and watch clips of "The Golden Girls" on YouTube.

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AP photo

In a march 22, 1979 file photo, from left: Sen. Jesse Helms (R-N.C.), activist Phyllis Schlafly, and Sen. Orrin G. Hatch (R-Utah), stand at the podium during an anti-Equal Rights Amendment dinner in Washington.

JESSE THE BODY

Former North Carolina Senator Jesse Helms, one of the most conservative legislators in modern political history, died last week of natural causes at 86. Helms was a fierce opponent of racial integration, abortion rights and homosexuals during his nearly 30 years in Congress. *:Much to Senator Helms' relief, hell is a lot like segregation-era North Carolina.

TOTALLY FARC'D

Fifteen hostages held by the Colombian paramilitary organization FARC for six years, including former Colombian presidential candidate Ingrid Betancourt and three American Defense Department contractors, were freed in a dramatic and bloodless rescue operation last week. The Colombian military, with the aid of American special forces, duped FARC into loading all of the hostages onto a helicopter made to look as though it belonged to a non-governmental charitable organization. *:The rescue was made even easier when Colombian officials found the exact coordinates to the hostages, including Google Jungle View options, on FARC.com. "You'll not get away with this treachery," vowed FARC leader Subcomandante Daffy Duck.

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AP photo

Takeru Kobayashi, of Japan, left, and Joey Chestnut battle to eat the most hot dogs in under ten minutes.

RED, WHITE AND SPEW

American Joey "Jaws" Chestnut won Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest for the second year in a row, besting legendary Japanese gurgitator Takeru Kobayashi in the annual Fourth of July event. Kobayashi and Chestnut each ate 59 hot dogs in 10 minutes, spurring an overtime competition in which Chestnut ate 10 hot dogs faster than Kobayashi in sudden death. *:Meanwhile, Sudanese competitor Salma Machar defeated Myanmar's Ba Maw in this year's International Starvation-Off thanks to his sudden death. »

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