Actual news*

*based on actual news

WED WEST, YOUNG MAN

Lawrence residents Dave Greenbaum and Mike Silverman became one of the first same-sex couples from Kansas to get married legally in California, obtaining a marriage license on June 17 in San Fancisco. *:As has been predicted by opponents of gay marriage, now that men and women of the same sex are allowed to wed, every heterosexual marriage is immediately annulled and Clay Aiken can legally have sex with a dog.

DAM IT!

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AP photo

A sign outside the Iowa Welcome Center is partially submerged in flood water from the Mississippi River Sunday in Burlington, Iowa.

Severe weather drenched much of the Midwest last week, with Iowa being hit hardest by breeched levees and cresting rivers. Fifteen people were killed throughout Iowa from tornadoes and flooding. Tornados also struck in Kansas, devastating the town of Chapman. *:Global warming deniers refused to admit the severe weather was a result of climate change, instead arguing that God was punishing us for not building more coal-fired power plants.

ELECTIONEERING BOOGALOO: ONGOING COVERAGE

The Fox News Network was forced to backtrack and apologize for their coverage of Barack Obama last week, both for suggesting that the fist bump between Obama and his wife was a "terrorist fist jab" and saying that Michelle Obama was his "baby mama." *:Fox News later clarified that their coverage wasn't intended to be racist, and in fact that some of their best friends are African American presidential candidates.

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AP photo

A courtroom sketch shows R&B; singer R. Kelly listening to the court clerk read the verdict in his child pornography trial in Chicago.

URINE THE CLEAR

R&B; star R. Kelly was acquitted last week of all charges in his sordid child pornography case. The jury later said it could not positively identify the girl on the sex tape, in which a man bearing Kelly's resemblance urinates on a young woman, as the 13 year old prosecutors claimed she was. *:Inspired by his lengthy ordeal, Kelly has composed a politically charged opera dealing with the iniquities of the U.S. legal system and the existential plight of African Americans trapped therein. "Getting Freaky on Your Pootie: The Take a Dump on Your Chest Chronicles, Episodes 1-33" will be released in time for Christmas.

BIG, HAIRY SCOTUS

The Supreme Court, in a 5-4 decision last week, dealt the Bush administration a blow by ruling that detainees at Guantanamo Bay holding facility should have access to American courts and should be granted the basic protection of habeas corpus. *:Justice Antonin Scalia, in a blistering dissenting opinion, wrote that "the terrorists are aiming to destroy our way of life, which is why we have to destroy it before they do." He then typed a 30-page string of uninterrupted obscenities that cannot be reprinted here.

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AP photo

The empty chair left behind by the late moderator of "Meet the Press" Tim Russert is seen at the set of the show at the NBC studio in Washington, D.C.

PRESS CORPSE

Tim Russert, host of NBC's "Meet the Press" for 16 years, collapsed and suddenly died of a heart attack last week. Russert was 58 years old. *:Russert's fellow Sunday morning talk show hosts were visibly upset upon hearing the news, with George Stephanopoulos falling to his knees and proclaiming, "It should have been me!" Said Bob Schieffer, "Yeah, it really should have been, George."

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