Actual news*
*based on actual news
Monday, June 23, 2008
PAPA LOANER
Downtown pizzeria Papa Keno’s managed to secure enough money to pay off the $170,000 in back taxes and penalties it owed the state of Kansas and is now open again for business. *…In other news, a slice of pizza at Papa Keno’s now costs $169,999.95 (plus tax).
MYSTERY IS A FOOT
Five human feet have washed up on the shores of the Canadian province of British Columbia over the past 11 months, the latest foot washing ashore last week. Authorities have no leads as to the source of the feet. *…Being Canada, authorities initially chalked the severed feet up to grizzly hockey accidents and were then too polite to follow up on it. “Considering that we’ve got universal healthcare, we’re not too concerned aboot the well being of the victims,” said a cartoonishly archetypal Mountie who punctuated his statements with “eh.” The feet have since been processed into weird bacon that’s not really bacon.
Photo by Thad Allender
Sherron Collins
RUB IN AN ELEVATOR
A Douglas County judge last week awarded $75,000 to a woman who claims KU basketball star Sherron Collins sexually assaulted her in a Jayhawker Towers elevator, citing Collins’ failure to respond to the woman’s civil lawsuit. *…Collins didn’t help his case when he explained that he missed the court appearance because he was busy “exposing myself” to fans who wanted “my John Hancock” because of his unparalleled ability in “handling balls.” Collins later apologized “from the bottom of my genitals.”
ELECTIONEERING BOOGALOO: ONGOING COVERAGE
Democrat Barack Obama last week opted out of public financing for the general election campaign, saying that the current system was “broken” and that he would instead rely on millions of small donors to fund his campaign. Republican presidential nominee John McCain came under fire for reversing his position on offshore oil drilling, which he once opposed but now supports as a method of lowering gas prices. Obama said that offshore drilling will do nothing to lower gas prices for at least five years, if ever. *…Obama clarified that he was refusing public financing out of principle. “The principle that I made more money online than Google and Jesus combined,” said Obama while standing next to a computer that was literally shooting out gold coins like a slot machine. McCain’s reversal on domestic oil exploration backfired when Exxon Mobil mistook his septuagenarian bones as fossil fuel and began drilling in his spine.
AP photo
Tiger Woods will miss the rest of the golf season because of knee surgery.
MOURNING WOODS
Shortly after winning the U.S. Open last week, Tiger Woods announced he will be sidelined for the rest of the golf season to undergo reconstructive surgery in his left leg and knee. *…Faced with a ratings decline now that its star player is out of commission, the PGA has launched a new advertising campaign with the slogan, “Paunchy, middle-aged and white is the new black!”
SPAWN ARTIST
Actress and singer Jamie Lynn Spears, 17-year-old sister to Britney Spears, gave birth to a baby girl last week. *…When news of yet another Spears child being born was announced, the Catholic Church immediately issued an edict declaring that abortion was now “okey dokey.” In related news, one-week-old Maddie Briann Spears is now pregnant with her first child.
Lights & Siren / Paper Owls / Aubrey :: This hard-rocking KC quintet is intently more upbeat and showy than singer Anna Cole’s former projects. The group’s newfound chemistry resonates proudly on its new album "Our Hands Make Waves" ... More info
- Tommy Ferrari and The Future Motor Machines / Blow Chi
- Ghosty / Suzannah Johannes
- The Roseline / The Whipsaws / The Gaslights
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