Townie guide to... teetotal recall

Monday, June 23, 2008

Brad Shanks, plays music in Blood On The Wall, Bandit Teeth, Tight Guyz, the Tijuana Brass Band; enjoys his new haircut and reading up on the Manson Family

Years in Lawrence: 7 1/2

Wait a minute—are there actually times in a person’s life when one doesn’t need to be drunk? I don’t even perform circumcisions sober. No, I’m not a rabbi. That’s how drunk I get. Please describe some scenarios, be they court dates or pregnancies, where one shouldn’t be blotto.

“In my case, there might be too many scenarios to pick one that isn’t just sad, but I threw a traffic cone at some cops that were breaking up the best party I had ever been too. The party was on multiple rooftops on a cool summer night and the hundreds of people wanted it to stay that way forever. When the cops came they maced a young hippie girl and started pushing people with their batons. I had been doing keg stands and drinking beer out of an empty handle of vodka. Plus, I was dancing my ass off to f*cking Cameo. ‘F*ck these cops,’ I thought. So I threw a traffic cone at a group of them and ran like hell laughing with my friends out the door. I wouldn’t do that again. When we got outside, there was a shitload of people in the street and a couple of bikes on fire. Plus, a guy had jumped on one of the cop cars and was shouting, ‘Are we going to let them get away with this?!’ People were cheering and fighting, and cops were going way too far and it was all for kegs of beer on a summer night. I can say—with a true heart—that is something worth fighting for, but if you do throw something at a cop, use something that won’t hurt too much and be sure you are really, really far away because I think they can shoot you for it. It doesn’t matter how many Dusty Dogs you drink at the Tap Room, you can’t drown out a bullet hole.”

Hey—are you sober right now? If so, I don’t know if I can carry on with this interview. Freak.

“Yes I am sober right now. Been that way for a couple months. Freak is the right word for me. A close friend was just telling me, ‘Hey Brad, you used to be the party guy—what happened?’ I told him, ‘I think it is time for me to put the lampshade back on the lamp. Let someone else try it on for size.’ Sometimes I hear a person’s ankle break from trying to get away from me as soon as I tell them I’m not drinking. It is exactly like leprosy. You can catch it from me if you stand too close. The next thing you know, you have five kids and a mortgage on some black mold-ridden, beige dump out in Johnson County. There is a shroud of awkward silence all around me like a fun-proof vest. But I have been told that if you can penetrate it, your liver will instantaneously cleanse itself, a calm serenity will ensue, and you will have a friend that won’t be late to your house in August when you really need help moving.”

Photo by Gavon Laessig

OK, Carrie Nation—blow my mind and dry my liver by describing some things I can do while not drunk.

“Well—you could call your parents? I’m sure they would like to hear from you. My golf game is f*cking unbelievable now. All the VD will run its course and leave your body because no one will want to sleep with you since you make them feel guilty about being a lush. One-night stands become more cigs in back of the Replay. Plus, you will have grown too tired of any possible drunk takers because you think the person smells like piss and bores the shit out of you. The best part, though? No drama at all. As for things to do? You can alphabetize every thing you own. You can have conversations with people at 7 in the morning that don’t consist of, ‘You think we can get some more of that stuff?’ or ‘When does Jensen’s open?’ You can keep a dream diary because you can actually remember them now. I guess most of the time I just sit on my porch and smoke cigs and read biographies on musicians that achieve greatness, only to meet a slow and painful decline into the cut-out bin as they shed empty marriages and stuffed bank accounts. Oh, I like to play in the Lawrence Parks and Rec co-ed softball leagues. Go Squids!”

Is it possible to live in Lawrence without spending every waking moment in a Paula Abdul haze? It’s not like we have anything else to do here besides get shit- canned. We have more bars per capita than Belfast.

“I think it is possible, but get ready for people to be awkwardly proud of your will power. Also, you have way, way, way too much lucid time on your hands, so you end up planning to go back to school, take yoga at Be-Moved, make kambucha, head bang to your Fag Cop seven inch, contemplate learning how to shoot guns, get more tattoos, realize you can actually taste food again—maybe colonics? And, of course, smoke more cigs. Plus, get your late fees paid at Liberty, because you are going to rent every last f*cking DVD from Brando to Bronson to Butthead.”

But you’re a musician—aren’t you required by law to be drunk at all times? I think Ted Kennedy co-sponsored that bill with Keith Moon.

“Oh yes. I have been completely tanked with one hand up someone’s skirt and the other hand holding a shot of Jager in almost every single one of the lower 48 states. I have fallen on my face on stage and out of hot tubs. I have broken up fights, fought guns away from people, made out with dudes, wrote screenplays, made epic drunk dials to multiple ex-girlfriends, puked on halfway houses—all while on the road. They were going to rename the ‘walk of shame’ the ‘walk of Shanks.’ I don’t think people should stop drinking, though. I think people should drink more. Whatever gets you off. But if you want to do the sober thing because your hangovers have turned into something like a John Carpenter movie and you just want to cry, give me a call and we can sit on my porch in historic old West Lawrence, smoking cigs, listening to records and making fun of people walking by. Or we can count all the money we have saved from not drinking and plan a road trip some place nice and never come back.”

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Posted by banditteeth (anonymous) on June 24, 2008 at 11:42 a.m. (Suggest removal)

This guy's a pussy. I fill my boot with puke every morning and barf up a baby head every night. I've discovered VD that nobody has ever even heard of. I"M TOTALLY WRECKED RIGHT NOW!!!!!! SUCK IT, SHANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Townie guide to... teetotal recall

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