Actual news*

*all news this week based on reports received from the future

Monday, June 30, 2008

*GAY MARRIAGE FREED FROM CAPTIVITY, GOES ON BRUTAL KILLING SPREE

As warned by social conservatives, the newly liberated Gay Marriage has begun a rampage of violence across the nation that has ripped apart both heterosexual marriages and limbs. The unimaginable carnage was triggered by the California Supreme Court decision legalizing same sex unions, which forced the Bush administration to release Gay Marriage from its high security holding cell in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. Almost immediately upon reaching the mainland, the Unholy State of Matrimony commenced to impale straight newlyweds and puppies on its six-foot-long, strap-on phallus. The military was dispatched to stop the bloodthirsty-yet-fashionable beast, but was rendered useless when soldiers began making out with one another in the face of such all-consuming homosexuality. Gay Marriage has cut a swath of terror and taffeta across the country, leaving a trail of man-scaped corpses in its wake from Florida to Kansas. “I told you so,” lamented famed Gay Marriage hunter Fred Phelps from his command bunker in Topeka, arming himself with crossbows and Tag Body Spray so that he might do battle with the scourge. In related cataclysmic news, Habeas Corpus has risen from the grave, hijacked a plane with his army of zombie terrorists, and is going to find out where you live.

*LATEST LUXURY ITEM, GASOLINE, SETS FASHION WORLD AND IRAQIS ON FIRE

With oil prices at an all-time high, the resultant cost of gasoline is now exorbitant enough to draw the attention of the world’s fashion elite. “I used to think wasting fossil fuel with my private jet and stretch Hummer was a big enough ‘eat me’ to the rest of the planet,” said trendsetter David Beckham as he filled his hot tub with premium unleaded. “But now that petrol is so insanely expensive, I would be remiss in my duties as a rich bastard if I didn’t start wasting it in new and ridiculous ways.” Becks is not alone, with such fashion plates as Scarlett Johansson undergoing diesel enemas for no good reason and Elton John parading around in public wearing nothing but a coat of petroleum-based jellies. “They truly are our betters,” sighed 14-year-old Hakim al-Nuaimi, paging through the latest issue of “OK! Magazine,” shortly before his Kirkuk home was fire-bombed.

File photo

Baby Jay

*BABY JAY DENIES SEXUAL ASSAULT CHARGES: “IT’S PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE”

University of Kansas mascot Baby Jay, the only member of the KU men’s basketball team not currently under felony indictment, strenuously denied sexual assault allegations last week. “I’m an asexual, anthropomorphic bird that does not exist anywhere in nature,” said Jay in a statement through his/her/its lawyer. “The only urges I have are to root on the ’Hawks and bring smiles to children’s faces, certainly not to do what I’ve been alleged to have done in that boiler room with Herbie Husker and Kirstie Alley. This is another unfortunate example of mascot-chasers looking for a quick payday.” When asked why a semen sample hadn’t been submitted if Baby Jay had nothing to hide, the lawyer responded, “Because my client has no reproductive sexual organs.”

*OBAMA AND CLINTON FINALLY JUST GET IT OVER WITH

After a long and tension-filled primary season, former Democratic rivals Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton finally just got it over with last week. “I think it’s great for unity that these two party leaders finally came together,” said senior Democratic adviser Paul Begala. “And, seriously, who were they kidding?” Michelle Obama and Bill Clinton were in attendance at the long-awaited joining of forces, which insiders say “was pretty awkward.” Elsewhere on the campaign trail, John McCain totally hooked up with Mitt Romney in the bathroom at Huckabee’s party.

*SEVERE WEATHER DISRUPTS LIVES, “TWO AND A HALF MEN”

“F*cksticks,” yelled an Olathe man watching the hit CBS sitcom “Two and a Half Men” when it was interrupted by a severe weather report, alerting the viewing public of a massive tornado in central Kansas. “I don’t give two shits! That’s not even close to here,” continued the man as a clearly haggard meteorologist carried out the grim duty of reporting that the tiny town of Lyons had mostly been destroyed. “Charlie was about to score with that librarian with the huge knockers—assholes,” groaned the man as a news anchor began sobbing while reading the death toll. “It better be on TiVo later. Stupid Al Gore…”

Comments

lawrence.com does not necessarily agree with comments posted below - responsibility lies with the relevant user alone. Read our full policy

Actual news*

*all news this week based on reports received from the future

Comments

Post a comment