Actual News*

*...based on actual news

GOOGLE INTERRUPTUS

Lawrence internet users experienced intermittent service over the weekend that prevented access to certain websites, including Google. Sunflower Broadband isolated the problem and restored regular service late Monday afternoon. *:The slow down has been attributed by Sunflower technicians to your constant downloading of bootleg "Gilmore Girls" episodes. Knock it off...we can see you.

FLEE TIBET

Protests against the Chinese occupation of Tibet turned violent last week with a death toll that some international observers say could top 80. Rioting erupted among native Tibetans and Chinese government-backed settlers that the Dalai Lama denounced as committing "cultural genocide." *:Chinese authorities announced that the recent conflict is not a brutal crackdown on dissidents. Rather, they're training for new events at this summer's Beijing Olympics such as the Monk Toss and the 100 Meter Buddhist Drag.

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AP photo

The Jayhawks celebrate after their win Sunday over the Texas Longhorns.

THAT WAY MADNESS LIES

March Madness kicked into high gear last week as the Jayhawks clinched the No. 1 seed in the NCAA Midwest Regional after defeating Texas, claiming their third consecutive Big XII championship in the process. The other top seeds in their respective tournament brackets are UCLA, Memphis, and North Carolina.*:This week will see an explosion in the field of "bracketology," which is the study of gambling at the workplace, the extraction of ill-informed predictions from deep within a subject's ass, and shattered dreams. (Vie for a 4gb iPod in our bracket contest at lawrence.com/bracket.)

DOES A BEAR SH*T IN ITS PANTS?

Wall Street fell into chaos this week upon the news of investment banking giant JPMorgan Chase & Co. buying rival Bear Stearns & Co. in a deal backed by the government. Bear Stearns nearly collapsed last week as a result of risky trading in the failed sub-prime loan market, allowing JPMorgan to buy the company for only a tenth of its estimated value from just two weeks ago. *:"Despite this development with Bear Stearns, the economy is strong and certainly not in a recession," said Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke while he frantically packed a suitcase with gold bars and fake passports before slipping out of the window in his office. In related news, the federal government has announced it will happily bail out any failing business utilizing unscrupulous practices so long as they're already very, very rich. "Thanks for your tax dollars, American public," said Bear Stearns' CEO before teeing off at a resort in the Cayman Islands, adding, "The free market works!"

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AP photo

New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer announces his resignation amidst a prostitution scandal in his offices in New York City.

SPITZ OR SWALLOWS

New York governor Eliot Spitzer resigned in disgrace last week following the stunning revelation he had been involved in a high-priced prostitution ring. Spitzer was caught in a sting operation that revealed he'd to have spent tens of thousands of dollars on a call girl named "Kristen" and requested activities that one prostitute described as "not safe." *:Investigators speculate that one of those activities deemed "not safe" was probably blowing $80,000 on hookers while you're governor of New York.

WATER FOUL

A study released last week found trace amounts of medications, including antibiotics, anti-convulsants, mood stabilizers and sex hormones in the tap water of 62 American cities. Meanwhile, tainted water from a major U.S. contractor was probably responsible for sickening several dozen U.S. soldiers in Iraq between 2005 and 2006, the Pentagon said in a report obtained Monday by the media. *:When samples of the tainted American tap water were combined with samples of the tainted water provided to the troops, it produced a giant blob that devoured half of Baltimore.

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AP photo

The home of Kory McFarren is pictured in Ness City, Kan., where the man's girlfriend, Pam Babcock, was found in the bathroom having stayed there long enough for her to become stuck to the toilet.

IN THE DUMPS

A woman in Western Kansas sat on her boyfriend's toilet for two years, said Ness City deputies last week, to the point where her skin had grown around the toilet seat. Emergency responders had to pry the 35-year-old from the seat with a crow bar. *:The woman insisted that she's not mentally ill, but just working off a Wendy's Baconator she ate in 2006.

MOBILE HOME

An arts center built by KU students in Lawrence was broken into seven pieces and shipped to Greensburg this week. The structure is part of the effort to rebuild the tornado-ravaged community in southwest Kansas using sustainable and environmentally friendly building practices. *:The KU architecture team, in order to meet strict FEMA standards, was sure to add child-poisoning levels of formaldehyde to each section.

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AP photo

Billy Crystal

BILLY CLUBBED

Actor Billy Crystal made his major league debut last week, fulfilling a one-day contract he had signed with the New York Yankees. Crystal had one at-bat during a spring training game in Florida, where he promptly struck out. *:While Crystal's performance in the batter's box was deemed a failure, most commentators agree it was still less painful than watching "My Giant."

ELECTIONEERING BOOGALOO: ONGOING COVERAGE

Apologies and denunciations dominated the campaign trail last week. Former vice-presidential candidate Geraldine Ferraro resigned from Hillary Clinton's fundraising committee after saying that Obama would not be where he is right now if he were a white man. Obama repudiated his former pastor, Rev. Jeremiah Wright, for saying-among many other things-that God should "damn the U.S.A." for its foreign policy practices, which he felt led to the September 11 terrorist attacks. On the GOP side, John McCain traveled to Iraq to survey the most recent troop surge. *:Ferraro proved her assertion that it's easy to win the White House if you're black by pointing to Presidents Morgan Freeman in "Deep Impact" and "that dude from '24.'"

IRAQATEERING BOOGALOO: INFREQUENT COVERAGE

A recent study by the Pentagon-released last week despite efforts by the Bush Administration to keep it classified-definitively rejected the assertion that there was a link between Iraq and al Qaeda. In other Iraq news, nearing the fifth year anniversary of the invasion, Admiral William Fallon abruptly resigned as head of the U.S Central Command last week following a feature on him in Esquire. Fallon had frequently been at odds with Bush administration policy in Iraq. *:President Bush responded to the Pentagon report by blowing a raspberry and yelling "No take backs!" Admiral Fallon signed his resignation letter after being waterboarded for five hours in Dick Cheney's bunker.

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