Actual News*
*...based on actual news
Monday, May 5, 2008
SWILLCO
Lawrence city commissioners last week unanimously approved licenses to allow the sale of alcohol at the outdoor Wilco concert, to be held May 14 at the intersection of Ninth and Massachusetts streets.*…The news comes as a relief to Wilco fans, as the impenetrable lyrics and pock-marked face of Jeff Tweedy are only tolerable when wasted.
WANKING MATILDA
The opposition leader of the Australian Parliament, Troy Buswell, broke down in tears during a press conference last week while admitting to sniffing the chair of a female staffer. He had also crawled around on his hands and knees in front of the same staffer and snapped open the bra of another staffer in separate incidents.*…It was apparent Buswell couldn’t help himself when, during the press conference, he was caught fondling a wombat beneath the podium.
AP photo
President Bush declared the end of major combat in Iraq five years ago aboard the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln off the California coast.
IRAQATEERING BOOGALOO: INFREQUENT COVERAGE
Last week was the five-year anniversary of President Bush delivering his infamous “victory speech” aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln, in front of a banner reading “Mission Accomplished,” in which he declared “major combat operations in Iraq have ended.” White House Press Secretary Dana Perino said the banner should have been more specific and read “Mission Accomplished For These Sailors Who Are On This Ship On Their Mission.”*…Perino continued, “Oh, and add, ‘Except for Those of You on This Ship who Will Be Stop Lossed and Sent Back Six More Times and Then Have to Fight for Adequate Equipment and Medical Care (If You Aren’t One of the More Than 3,900 Troops who Will Be Killed in the Next Five Years).’ Damn, that’s a hella-big banner.”
GAVEL ABROAD
Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts made a two-day stop at KU last week, the first-ever trip by a sitting chief justice. He delivered a lecture at the Lied Center on the Louisiana Purchase followed by a brief Q&A session, although the questions were pre-screened and Roberts never addressed any of the decisions made by his court.*…Court watchers say if Roberts seemed stiff and non-responsive, it was because—as per usual—Antonin Scalia had his hand “way up Roberts’ ass.”
GROSS DOMESTIC PRODUCTS
Austria is still reeling in horror from the discovery of a man who imprisoned his own daughter in a cellar for 24 years, repeatedly raped her, and sired seven children with her. Josef Fritzl is now in police custody and claiming to be mentally ill.*…Austrian officials could not comment on the case because they were too busy throwing up.
AP photo
Rev. Jeremiah A. Wright Jr., pastor of Chicago's Trinity United Church of Christ and former pastor of Sen. Barack Obama, at the National Press Club in Washington.
ELECTIONEERING BOOGALOO: ONGOING COVERAGE
Barack Obama last week explicitly repudiated his former pastor, Jeremiah Wright, following weeks of controversy surrounding Wright’s inflammatory comments. Hillary Clinton created controversy of her own with the Democratic base by appearing on Fox News with Bill O’Reilly. Both Clinton and presumptive Republican nominee John McCain came under fire from economic experts for proposing nearly identical “gas tax holiday” plans, which Obama calls “the ultimate Washington gimmick” and says would do nothing to solve soaring gas prices.*…The same night of his speech denouncing Wright, Obama literally through him under a bus during a multiplayer round of “Grand Theft Auto IV.” Clinton’s interview with O’Reilly turned awkward when he asked her if she was prepared to answer the phone at 3 a.m. on day one when he calls and wants to talk about falafel. When McCain and Clinton were pressed at a joint appearance as to how they would solve the long-term energy needs of our country, they simultaneously began to say “Obliterate Iran…” and then started giggling and yelled “Twinsies!”
FAILURE TO STAUNCH
The Kansas House of Representatives failed last week to override a veto of coal-fired power plants by Governor Kathleen Sebelius. The override fell four votes short, but a new bill to build the two power plants has already surfaced in the Legislature.*…Supporters of the coal-fired plants were furious at the override’s failure, blaming the insidious influence of the “Pink Lung and Baby Polar Bear Industrial Complex.”
AP photo
Deborah Jeane Palfrey.
WOMEN OF NOOSE MORALS
The body of Deborah Jeane Palfrey, known as the “D.C. Madam,” was found last week in a shed behind her mother’s Florida home. Palfrey had apparently hung herself while awaiting sentencing for her federal conviction on running a Washington, D.C.-based prostitution ring.*…As of press time, David Vitter was still serving in the Senate, still alive, and still a hypocritical whore-mongering douche.
BROWNHACKED
Kansas Senator Sam Brownback last week denounced efforts by the Chinese government to monitor and censor the internet activity of foreign visitors to the Beijing Olympics. Brownback also condemned China’s human rights record in Tibet and called upon President Bush to boycott the opening ceremony of the Olympics.*…The ranks of civil rights advocates and progressive activists were decimated upon hearing the news, as their heads exploded in unison from actually agreeing with Sam Brownback.
CHURCHILL DOWNED
Undefeated Triple Crown hopeful Big Brown won the Kentucky Derby last week at Churchill Downs, although his victory was almost overshadowed by the on-track injury and eventual death of filly Eight Belles. Eight Belles broke both of her front ankles after finishing second in the derby and was immediately euthanized.*…Onlookers were in shock at the tragic loss of such a noble animal but managed to finish their veal cutlets and jumbo hotdogs through the tears.
Vanity Fair
Miley Cyrus in Vanity Fair.
STATUTORY GAPE
“Hannah Montana” star Miley Cyrus created a stir last week when she appeared in a “Vanity Fair” photo spread partially disrobed. The 15-year-old Cyrus has since apologized for the photos.*…Cyrus’ exposed back outraged many parents. “She’s not even old enough for us to call her a ‘whore’ in a fit of misplaced Puritanical projection,” said one father in between licking the “Vanity Fair” issue in his closet.
Josh Ritter :: Besides the fact that he wrote a song called "Lawrence, KS" without ever having been to Lawrence, there are plenty of reasons to dig on the poetic verses of Josh Ritter ... More info
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