Actual News*

*...based on actual news

Monday, May 12, 2008

JOCK STRAPPED

The KU Athletics Department is asking the Lawrence Chamber of Commerce and Downtown Lawrence Inc. to pay $6,400 to cover the cost of a canceled banquet, called off in favor of a celebratory parade for the basketball team following the NCAA Championship. *…Said Athletics Director Lew Perkins in the request, “Cash, grass, or ass—nobody rides for free.”

BLOCH BUSTED

The home and office of Scott Bloch, a former Lawrence lawyer and current chief of the Office of Special Counsel, was raided by the FBI in an ongoing investigation as to whether he abused his position and exhibited political bias to protect the Bush administration. In one instance, Bloch abruptly shut down a probe into accusations that White House advisor Karl Rove helped engineer the imprisonment of former Democratic Alabama governor Don Siegelman. *…Bloch, however, has been swift to pour resources into a case file called “Keep Scott Bloch’s Ass Out of Jail.”

AP photo

Myanmar residents walk past houses destroyed by killer cyclone Nargis in Bogalay, Myanmar.

WAVE OF MUTILATION

The massive cyclone which struck Myanmar last week has claimed at least 28,000 lives and may have killed upwards of 100,000. The ruling military junta of Myanmar has been roundly criticized for exacerbating the crisis, either by denying aid from outside sources or by hoarding relief supplies. Elsewhere in the world, a series of tornadoes killed 22 in the United States’ Midwest and south over the weekend, and at least 9,000 were killed in a 7.9 magnitude earthquake which devastated central China on Monday morning.*…International observers say Myanmar’s lack of concern for the lives of their own people is so exceptional that they’re a lock for the 2016 Olympics. Myanmar’s military dictators have generously offered to sell their relief supplies to victims in China and the United States at a premium, saying, “We’ve got tons of the crap just sitting around and not doing anything.”

ELECTIONEERING BOOGALOO: ONGOING COVERAGE

Many pundits anointed Barack Obama the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee last week after handily winning the North Carolina primary and nearly defeating Hillary Clinton in her stronghold of Indiana. Despite calls by party leaders like George McGovern to end the campaign, Clinton has vowed to stay in the race, arguing she performs much better with “white Americans.” *…When given the opportunity to clarify her comment, Clinton whipped out an actual dog whistle and began blowing on it until old white guys started howling, “I’ll never vote for a negro!”

IRAQATEERING BOOGALOO: INFREQUENT COVERAGE

A recent Congressional investigation found that 12 U.S. soldiers have been electrocuted in Iraq because of shoddy construction and maintenance of barracks by contractors. A wrongful death lawsuit has been filed by the family of one of the dead soldiers against contractor KBR, a former subsidiary of Halliburton. *…Vice President Dick Cheney, former CEO of Halliburton, praised the electrocutions as proof that Iraq’s electrical grid is indeed working.

Screenshot from Comedy Central

KU Professor David Pertmutter on the Daily Show with Jon Stewart.

THE MUTTER LOAD

KU Journalism professor David Perlmutter appeared on “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” last week. Perlmutter was promoting his new book, “Blog Wars: The New Political Battleground.” *…Tragically, but in the line of duty, Perlmutter was severely wounded during a flame war that erupted on the Comedy Central website during his appearance.

SMELLS LIKE GREEN SPIRIT

President Bush hailed the resilience of Greensburg last week while visiting the still recovering Kansas town one year after a massive tornado nearly wiped it off the map. Bush spoke to the tiny graduating class of Greensburg High and handed out diplomas to the 18 seniors. *…“And we must not forget those who were taken away in that horrific tornado,” eulogized Bush at the ceremony. “They are now in a better place—a place where their every wish is answered by a benevolent lord—a place known as the magical Land of Oz. I just hope they watch out for those damn flying monkeys.”

AP photo

President Bush with daughter Jenna.

THE BUSHING BRIDE

The President’s daughter, Jenna Bush, married Henry Hagar last week in a Crawford, Texas, ceremony. *…President Bush, who has publicly said he wants grandchildren soon, pulled Hagar aside before the newlyweds left for their honeymoon and warned him “not to precipitously withdraw before the mission is accomplished.”

MICROSTIFF

Merger talks between Microsoft and Yahoo were called off last week, with Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates saying the software giant will pursue an “independent path” for its online strategy. Negotiations broke down when Yahoo rebuffed Microsoft’s $33- a-share offer, saying it would sell for no less than $37 a share. *…To try and cheer itself up, Microsoft attempted some “rebound” mergers with fatchicksinpartyhats.com and CatsthatlooklikeHitler.net, but it was reportedly “just not the same.”

THE BILE HIGH CLUB

Following the failure of his veto override efforts, Kansas House Speaker Melvin Neufeld accused Gov. Kathleen Sebelius of getting people to vote against coal-fired power plants by flying them to Kansas University basketball games in a state-owned plane. Sebelius responded she was “very disappointed in him alleging somehow that legislators are being bribed.”*…Neufeld could not be reached for a rebuttal, as he was too busy getting a rubdown by two Geisha girls on a pile of cash at a Fossil Fuel Fact Finding Mission sponsored by Sunflower Electric.

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