Lawrence.com

IT'S THE ECONOMY, YOU PAINFULLY IGNORANT PIECE OF EXCREMENT

The economic crisis continued unabated last week with the government buyout of collapsing insurance giant AIG. The White House, the Federal Reserve and the Congress all came together in a rare show of bipartisanship to issue strict new market guidelines to try and curtail any looming meltdown. Amid the economic volatility, John McCain again stated the "fundamentals of our economy are strong." *:The McCain campaign later clarified that by "fundamentals" doing well, he meant "my wife."

ELECTIONEERING BOOGALOO: ONGOING COVERAGE

The e-mail account of Sarah Palin was accessed last week by unknown hackers. Screenshots were leaked online, confirming that Palin used her private e-mail account to conduct official government business, a move critics contend is meant to avoid oversight. Elsewhere on the campaign trail, John McCain apparently became confused about the location of Spain in an interview last week, responding to a question about the Prime Minister of Spain with a rambling answer about Mexico and Latin America. *:GOP strategists say the hacking story is a net positive for their ticket, as it proves that at least one of them knows how to use "the e-mails." McCain's Spain blunder was compounded when, in the same interview, he revealed that he thinks tapas are "the gay dudes who prefer pitching over catching."

RPG ATTACK

Pentagon analysts last week warned of the potential that terrorists might use massively multiplayer online computer games such as "World of Warcraft" to plot and rehearse real world attacks. *:Researchers were stunned to learn that "World of Warcraft" was being utilized for anything even remotely productive. The same intelligence officials also warned that "Minesweeper" can now actually blow you up.

LEW AND IMPROVED

Kansas University athletic director Lew Perkins last week topped the public voting in Time Magazine's poll of the best sports executives in the world. Perkins is the only college sports administrator to make the list. *:Perkins also topped Time's annual list of the Top 100 Sports Bureaucrats Who Kind of Look Like Abe Vigoda.

HANGMAN OF LETTERS

Writer David Foster Wallace was found dead last week, having hung himself in his California home. The author of "Infinite Jest" and numerous short works was 46. *:NPR's "This American Life," to honor the passing of one of their literary peers, observed a moment ironically detached bemusement that was more wry than funny.

SPECIAL EVENT HORIZON

The Larege Hadron Collider went online without incident last week in Geneva, Switzerland. The collider is an 18-mile-long atom smasher intended to help scientists better understand sub-atomic particles, but some critics had raised the concern that the device could create blackholes on the surface of the earth. *:Of greater concern, say prominent scientists, is that the atom collider could release untold millions of awful "Dr. Who" storylines.

VOTING BLOCK

Barrack Obama's campaign last week filed a class action lawsuit to challenge what the Democratic presidential candidate says is an attempt to keep people facing foreclosure from voting in Michigan. It asks for an injunction prohibiting what it considers "vote caging," where the Michigan Republican Party will attempt to purge Michigan voters at risk of losing their homes from voting rolls. *:The GOP argues that only people who have a home should get a vote. John McCain, they argue, should then get seven votes. »