Lawrence.com

EPIC BAIL

The proposed $700 billion Wall Street bailout plan proposed by the Treasury Secretary and the Bush Administration was torpedoed in the House of Representatives Monday. Despite numerous concessions regarding oversight and limiting CEO compensation, and despite continued economic chaos such as the failure of Washington Mutual bank last week-the largest bank failure in U.S. history-lawmakers objected to the massive price tag and what they considered government intrusion into the free market. Immediately after the vote the stock market fell by 777 points-the biggest one-day drop in history. Kansas representatives voted 3-1 against the measure, with Nancy Boyda (D), Jerry Moran (R) and Todd Tiahrt (R) voting against the bailout bill, and Dennis Moore (D) voting for it. *:Republicans in particular were adamant that the federal government exhibit fiscal discipline and not squander taxpayer dollars, then asked for another blank check for Iraq funding and more tax rebates for oil companies. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson urged calm, but suggested that investing in the soupline and shanty sectors "may not be a bad idea."

ELECTIONEERING BOOGALOO: ONGOING COVERAGE

John McCain, despite announcing he would suspend his campaign and would not leave Washington until a financial bailout package was agreed to in Congress, reneged on his initial boycott and debated Barack Obama Friday at the University of Mississippi. The economic crisis and foreign policy were the topics, and initial polling indicated the public thought Obama won the first encounter. The Vice Presidential debate is Thursday, Oct. 2nd, and the next presidential debate is Tuesday, Oct. 7th. *:During the Mississippi debate, midway through his response to a question about the role he played in the Keating Five corruption scandal, McCain abruptly suspended his answer and returned to Washington.

LAME SEX COUPLES

Actress Lindsay Lohan confirmed last week that she has been dating a woman, Sam Ronson, for several months now. In other celebrity news, "American Idol" star Clay Aiken appeared on the cover of People magazine with his newborn son and confirmed long-standing speculation that he is gay. *:Celebrity fashion watchers say the hottest gay trends for fall are going to be superficial lesbian affairs and babies that you'll flush down the toilet once they get too big for their cages.

ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFETT

Warren Buffett, the multi-billionaire investor known as the "Oracle of Omaha," saved failing investment banking giant Goldman Sachs by purchasing $5 billion worth of their stock last week. *:Buffett's acquisition spree continued when he bought the failing U.S. government for just a pair of Bright Eyes tickets and a pizza, then turned around and sold it for scrap.

MARTIAL FARTS

A West Virginia man was arrested for assault and battery on a police officer after he farted and waved it towards an officer who had pulled him over. "The gas was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature," the official report alleged. *:A spokesperson defended what many consider an overreaction on the part of the police, saying that stray sparks from a Taser ignited the suspect's flatulence and "turned his ass into a napalm canon."

BAKER'S MARK

Expansion of the Baker Wetlands began last week as part of a mitigation program to offset the impact of the South Lawrence Trafficway construction. The $975,000 project, financed by the Kansas Department of Transportation, includes 142 acres west of Louisiana Street. *:"We applaud the expansion of these pristine and delicate wetlands," said a spokesperson for the Kansas Department of Transportation. "Because we're really going to need that extra space for a Welcome Center/Hardee's/Septic Pond to go along with the trafficway. Thanks, hippies!"

MERRILL LYNCHED

The CEO of an Indian company was lynched to death last week inside the Dehli factory he ran by a group of laid off workers. *:Witnesses described the brutal scene as "well choreographed" and punctuated with "peppy sitar music." Unruly mobs of laid off American workers, impressed by India's efficient and affordable rabble, will now be outsourcing all of their CEO lynching needs. »