Townie guide to… rabbit Jesus eggs

Monday, April 6, 2009

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Roxie Fanning

Roxie Fanning, server, writer of terrible queer fiction, watcher of 90’s television on DVD

Jesus' second birthday is right around the corner—get him anything good, or did you cop out and buy the Holy Ghost some gift cards to Bed, Bath and Beyond? How do you typically observe Easter, if at all?

“Typically, I roll out of bed and curse the fact that all my favorite breakfast places will be packed with children in ridiculous dress clothes and patent leather shoes. I wish I thought it was cute, but mostly I fear the masses of sugar-loaded children. They could, at any moment, hysterically mistake me for a friendly adult with candy. When I fail to deliver, they will maul me like ravenous hyenas.”

What does a rabbit who lays eggs have to do with Jesus Christ? Was the Son of God a were-rabbit? Since he rose from the grave, was he also a zombie? Was Jesus a shape-shifting undead ghoul who crapped colorful eggs?

“Yes, obviously. Seriously, though, I’d like to offer a PowerPoint explanation for these provocative questions. I think, though, that everyone knows our traditions are really just fluffy symbols from pagan Spring rites and rituals—because it’s hard to get kids pumped up about blood and poop and dead bodies and grieving mothers and reformed whores. I don’t think Cadbury would have quite the draw for Jesus Corpse Bars as with their eggs.”

Speaking of—Cadbury Eggs or Marshmallow Peeps?

“No thanks. I really hate Cadbury Eggs, and while I don’t hate Peeps—and have, in fact, eaten many—I don’t actually like them. What I do like is watching my friends mock a Peep before tearing its head off with their teeth.”

If you have to spend the weekend with annoying family members, what's the best strategy for avoiding them, either mentally or physically?

“Usually, when I need to escape from my family, I tell them that I need to get out of the house before I go insane and start systematically executing their pets—beginning with Sinbad the Parrot. Sadly, Sinbad actually passed away a couple years ago. So the first fatality would have to go to Lucy, my parents’ incredibly disobedient dog.”

Where's the best place to hide eggs in Lawrence?

“That depends, is the best place the place where no one will find them? Or is the best place the place where people will find them? I think any of the Museums on Campus would be fun. Or the Train Park. Oh! The Lawrence Jewish Community Center for the win!”