Monday, August 31, 2009
Hipsters, much like deadly cancer that ironically and magically bestows upon you the gift of flight, are a mixed blessing. On the one hand, they are pretentious, willfully ignorant and generally smell bad. On the other hand, they are amusing to look at and help you form your opinions (i.e., whatever they like, you should not).
Since Lawrence is the (Insert Whichever Borough Is Considered Hot This Month) of the Plains, the hipster paradox is our daily burden. It's best we embrace this fact and learn to live side by side with our culturally handicapped lessers...at least until we can round them up and put them in District 9. But what exactly is a hipster? Fortunately, to help weed out the hipster from the mere scenester or emotionally confused freshman, there are invaluable resources at our disposal.
And they're even captured this rare footage of the hipster mating ritual:
While Look at this F**king Hipster is a visual catalog of the hipster, Stuff Hipsters Hate is a journal of hipster behavior. Think of it as "The Origin of Hipster Species." It's written by a hipster for the sake of non-hipsters. Thank you, anonymous hipster, for peeling back the plaid veil.
Examples of stuff hipsters hate:
Standing Up Straight
"I have the posture of a hunchbacked, osteoperosis-wracked 90-year-old. It’s one of many quirks that makes me adorable."
"No, I do not own a television. I feel like American society is far too focused on the spectre of the TV set—it looms in the center of the living room like some great all-consuming beast that the entire family is forced to bow down and pray to each night for at least three hours. Moreover, the majority of the programming is either unoriginal or just plain fucking annoying (40 dollars a day, Rachael Ray? You gotta be fucking kidding me—try 40 dollars a week). Maybe if the slobbering masses tore their eyes away from motherfucking House every once in a while and read a book, our country wouldn’t be so woefully ignorant. Besides, I can watch anything I want on Surf the Channel, and I only ever really watch Gossip Girl, anyway…and 90210…and some stuff on ABC Family ‘cause it’s so fucking weird…and the Wonder Years, now that all six seasons are up on YouTube."
Their New Album
"Irrespective of how good it is. Hipsters have been listening to these guys for years, and they like their old stuff better."
When Bros Wander Into Their Bars
"After a hard day of shoveling cultural snow (i.e. about four hours of freelance writing and a solid hour of sleeping/reading in McCarren), all a hipster wants to do is kick back with a couple of drinks at his local watering hole. Therefore, it’s always a shock when a pack of bros in suits wander in off the street and attempt to talk to Joe the bartender about the Yankees or the stock exchange or something (“Dude, Joe doesn’t have any idea what the fuck you’re talking about—he’s a poet”). Hipsters don’t show up at Midtown joints and force you into heated conversations about the latest Black Lips album, Mr. Bro, so why do you insist upon swilling mojitos where you so clearly do not belong? Of course, a hipster would never confront you directly over the perceived intrusion, but ready yourself for some intense stares and, perhaps, some whispering."
"Hipsters know their ABCs: Adderall, Booze, Coke. Knowledge may be power, but the total obliteration of cognizance is totes more fun."
Again, if we didn't know what Stuff Hipsters Hate, then how would we know what NOT to hate? Now that you're armed with these hipster primers, go out into the world unafraid and enjoy a round of hipster spotting!