Better Know Your Hipster

Daily Dose

Hipsters, much like deadly cancer that ironically and magically bestows upon you the gift of flight, are a mixed blessing. On the one hand, they are pretentious, willfully ignorant and generally smell bad. On the other hand, they are amusing to look at and help you form your opinions (i.e., whatever they like, you should not).

Since Lawrence is the (Insert Whichever Borough Is Considered Hot This Month) of the Plains, the hipster paradox is our daily burden. It's best we embrace this fact and learn to live side by side with our culturally handicapped lessers...at least until we can round them up and put them in District 9. But what exactly is a hipster? Fortunately, to help weed out the hipster from the mere scenester or emotionally confused freshman, there are invaluable resources at our disposal.

First is Look at this F**king Hipster. It's the equal and opposite reaction to People of Wal-Mart. A few examples from this Audobon collection of the infuriating:

And they're even captured this rare footage of the hipster mating ritual:

While Look at this F**king Hipster is a visual catalog of the hipster, Stuff Hipsters Hate is a journal of hipster behavior. Think of it as "The Origin of Hipster Species." It's written by a hipster for the sake of non-hipsters. Thank you, anonymous hipster, for peeling back the plaid veil.

Examples of stuff hipsters hate:

Standing Up Straight

"I have the posture of a hunchbacked, osteoperosis-wracked 90-year-old. It’s one of many quirks that makes me adorable."

Television

"No, I do not own a television. I feel like American society is far too focused on the spectre of the TV set—it looms in the center of the living room like some great all-consuming beast that the entire family is forced to bow down and pray to each night for at least three hours. Moreover, the majority of the programming is either unoriginal or just plain fucking annoying (40 dollars a day, Rachael Ray? You gotta be fucking kidding me—try 40 dollars a week). Maybe if the slobbering masses tore their eyes away from motherfucking House every once in a while and read a book, our country wouldn’t be so woefully ignorant. Besides, I can watch anything I want on Surf the Channel, and I only ever really watch Gossip Girl, anyway…and 90210…and some stuff on ABC Family ‘cause it’s so fucking weird…and the Wonder Years, now that all six seasons are up on YouTube."

Their New Album

"Irrespective of how good it is. Hipsters have been listening to these guys for years, and they like their old stuff better."

When Bros Wander Into Their Bars

"After a hard day of shoveling cultural snow (i.e. about four hours of freelance writing and a solid hour of sleeping/reading in McCarren), all a hipster wants to do is kick back with a couple of drinks at his local watering hole. Therefore, it’s always a shock when a pack of bros in suits wander in off the street and attempt to talk to Joe the bartender about the Yankees or the stock exchange or something (“Dude, Joe doesn’t have any idea what the fuck you’re talking about—he’s a poet”). Hipsters don’t show up at Midtown joints and force you into heated conversations about the latest Black Lips album, Mr. Bro, so why do you insist upon swilling mojitos where you so clearly do not belong? Of course, a hipster would never confront you directly over the perceived intrusion, but ready yourself for some intense stares and, perhaps, some whispering."

Sobriety

"Hipsters know their ABCs: Adderall, Booze, Coke. Knowledge may be power, but the total obliteration of cognizance is totes more fun."

Again, if we didn't know what Stuff Hipsters Hate, then how would we know what NOT to hate? Now that you're armed with these hipster primers, go out into the world unafraid and enjoy a round of hipster spotting!

Comments

toodarnloud 12 years, 9 months ago

Dude, somebody needs to make a Lawrence version of Hipster Bingo. It needs to be updated anyways. Purse with a skull on it could be replaced with a Love Garden bag. And of course there needs to be something with Sunflower Outdoor on it.

Even as it is though, it's still very much playable. You have to wait until the winter though to get a "cover all" because the vest is a little hard to come by any other time. (That's why I wear it myself!)

gavon 12 years, 9 months ago

Too true, toodarnloud. Erin Adams did such a good job on Downtown Bingo, maybe she can pick up the torch on Hipster Bingo.

The one thing I would add to the card is Hamm's. It seems to catching up with PBR as the hipster beer du jour in Lawrence. Oh, and I readily admit that I drink Hamm's. I never claimed purity...BACK OFF! I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!

corduroypants 12 years, 9 months ago

Back in the 70's, my dad had a buddy who quit drinking Hamm's because they stopped using the bear in their commericals.

PatrickJoseph 12 years, 9 months ago

I think I started drinking Hamm's when I read the recipe for a Doorkno. Hamm's over ice with a twist of lime. It's been perfect for the summer.

Caterina Benalcazar 12 years, 9 months ago

Gavon: "After a hard day of shoveling cultural snow (i.e. about four hours of freelance writing and a solid hour of sleeping/reading...Sounds like a booming voiced certain someone I know... ahipstersezwhat?!?! Exactly.

hankscorpio74: If you don't know any hipsters, then you prob'ly are a hipster.

Patrick: Wutever. Just don't get rid of the hot nerd glasses.

gavon 12 years, 9 months ago

What? D'OH! Sprung your devious Rube Goldberg trap yet again, Benalcazar! I shake my Hamm's at you! Oh, whoops...my four hours of writing is up. (Punches clock, heads out to The Pig)

hankscorpio74 12 years, 9 months ago

"If you don't know any hipsters, then you prob'ly are a hipster."

as clever and detailed as that was...

the pictures of these people don't tell me anything they just look like shitheads acting goofy/drunk and/or cross-dressing

gavon 12 years, 9 months ago

Here you go, Hank! Via the esteemed Urban Dictionary: "Listens to bands that you have never heard of. Has hairstyle that can only be described as "complicated." (Most likely achieved by a minimum of one week not washing it.) Probably tattooed. Maybe gay. Definitely cooler than you. Reads Black Book, Nylon, and the Styles section of the New York Times. Drinks Pabst Blue Ribbon. Often. Complains. Always denies being a hipster. Hates the word. Probably living off parents money - and spends a great deal of it to look like they don't have any. Has friends and/or self cut hair. Dyes it frequently (black, white-blonde, etc. and until scalp bleeds). Has a closet full of clothing but usually wears same three things OVER AND OVER (most likely very tight black pants, scarf, and ironic tee-shirt). Chips off nail polish artfully after $50 manicure. Sleeps with everyone and talks about it at great volume in crowded coffee shops. Addicted to coffee, cigarettes (Parliaments, Kamel Reds, Lucky Strikes, etc.), and possibly cocaine. Claims to be in a band. Rehearsals consist of choosing outfits for next show and drinking PBR. Always on the list. Majors or majored in art, writing, or queer studies. Name-drops. May go by "Penny Lane," "Eleanor Rigby," etc. when drunk. On PBR. Which is usually." ex: I am not a fucking hipster! (sweeps bangs to side dramatically and takes a swig of PBR)

DOTDOT 12 years, 9 months ago

PBR, Hamms, and other similar brews share a golden trait that benefits the frugal minded. See, after the first twelve, you can start pissing in the empty cans and nobody will taste the difference.

tribalzendancer 12 years, 9 months ago

Great little article, Gavon. Of course no comment would be complete without mentioning Adbuster's seminal foray into the hipsters critique: https://www.adbusters.org/magazine/79/hipster.html

The hipster cosmology is an artifact of our times.

hankscorpio74 12 years, 9 months ago

"hipster" seems like a convenient catch-all that tells you almost nothing about someone it covers a wide range of sub-cultures yet is never self-applied calling someone a "hipster" seems more akin to calling them a "poseur" than anything else

that adbusters article is a fucking joke

"i used to be 'with it,' but then they changed what 'it' was. now what i'm with isn't 'it' and what's 'it' seems weird and scary."

riddy_hiz 12 years, 9 months ago

Think hipsters are going to be the death of American culture? Well, apparently you haven't heard about denim... http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/04/15/AR2009041502861.html

eighthstreettaproom 12 years, 9 months ago

this story conjured up about a third of the chuckle i most recently had having found a very old copy of vice magazine in which a friend of mine wrote a story about being shot in the stomach with a 22. caliber rifle at close range while intoxicated on bartle's and james wine coolers at a junior high post-pot-party in overland park. actually i reserved the third of a chuckle, and thought out loud to myself...."not funny!" and it may have been bacardi breezer, i didn't really read it.....

eighthstreettaproom 12 years, 9 months ago

i just read my comment, and i laughed, then i started to wonder, "what happened to the comment i read last night while first perusing this piece that said something like.."old hat," or "come on?" or something similar". and for the record, eighthstreettaproom is not an anonymous handle, my name is jeremy sidener, and i think you should take the advice i've been giving during this publication's whole run and make a back to school guide to lawrence that informs & embraces these future hipsters, who will ultimately leave here and do amazing shit in other cities all over this world. what do you think is worth sharing about your city? reign them in, then shit on the parade......over and out.

Sad_Fingers 12 years, 9 months ago

This was way funnier when it was called Vice Magazine's Do's and Don'ts.

lubeanalcrevice 12 years, 8 months ago

What was the purpose of this article? I can look at a website without your worthless commentary "Gavon". At any rate, LATFH is more entertaining than this site even though LATFH is clearly an attempt to sell merchandise (look at it)... "Party Pix", "Style Scout" and finally your musings are a sign of creative degeneration. Do everyone a favor; instead of writing bullshit don't write anything at all.

gavon 12 years, 8 months ago

Oh, lube (can I still call you lube?), I STILL LOVE YOU!!!

DOTDOT 12 years, 8 months ago

"Do everyone a favor; instead of writing bullshit don't write anything at all."

I, for one, trepidate on the possibilities left to the species denied its proclivity for exchanging bullshit. My god, man, there'd be nothing left but to lube each other's anal crevae!

Matt Toplikar 12 years, 8 months ago

hipsters, hippies, punks, beatniks, weirdos, goth kids, comic book nerds, thespians, politicos, foodies, trekkies, stoners, winos, acid droppers, anarchists, art snobs, B-movie dorks, videogame addicts, basketball freaks, emo dweebs, metal heads, ravers, burners, puppeteers, drunk philosophers, fashion brats, RPG geeks, kick ballers, pool hallers, sarcastic assholes, headbangers, barflies, downtownies, skate rats, street performers, wesco beach bums, coffee drinking computer gurus, upper-class hobos, suicidal college grads, chain smoking bicyclists, mad tambourine shakers, stinky pale piano players, roller derby queens, ironic record collectors, long-haired bee keepers, homeless comedians, loud, naked party crashers... internet blog junkies-- aren't these the people that make Lawrence interesting?

Not that there's anything wrong with making fun-- just don't understand the hate.

alm77 12 years, 8 months ago

hate?

Gavon, I loved it. I do think you should have posted a pic of yourself in this article. But you probably don't consider yourself a hipster. Or do you? Or do you ironically? Ooo. I dunno. ;)

DOTDOT 12 years, 8 months ago

Alm provokes a scary thought. Finding myself in defense of the Gavon in any way, shape or form might mean I'M a hipster.

I refuse to drink PBR, dangit.

toodarnloud 12 years, 8 months ago

"calling someone a "hipster" seems more akin to calling them a "poseur" than anything else"

these people (who pose as hipsters) are called "fake-sters". every freshman you see at Neon or any other night at the Jackpot is automatically a fake-ster. You don't have any true hip-cred (hipster credibility) until you can hang out on the back porch of the Replay smoking and drinking PBR until you run out of cash.

remember, hipsterdom and zen are very much alike. "the hip that can be named is not the eternal hip."

riddy_hiz 12 years, 8 months ago

I think "hipster" is definitely a pejorative at this point. "Fake-ster" is redundant since the hipster identity is by definition inauthentic. Maybe Tweenster or Twipster for the hipsters-in-training?
Also, am I the only person who finds it ironic that the term "hipster" which describes an unoriginal, culturally thieving person is itself stolen/borrowed/appropriated from the Beatniks? If this is really a new low in our culture (as the alarmist Adbusters article posted by Dr. Fucking Idiot suggests), shouldn't we try a little harder to nail these bastards?

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