Townie Guide to... weathering an economic holocaust

Sunday, February 1, 2009


Allan Murin

Allan Murin, phone jockey who enjoys bad movies, baths, and trivia

What tips do you have for surviving this economic downturn? Plasma donation? Stealing gold fillings from corpses? Staying drunk for a decade?

"Staying drunk for the decade is a great idea.  I will actually be cutting back on going to the bars and start paying attention to sales and cutting coupons. Oh, and you can find me working the streets from time to time. By the way, you looking for a date?"

Ponzi schemes—a good time to invest?

"Sure, give me 500 bucks and I'll make sure you get a great return on it."

Aren't you glad you're living through an unprecedented financial collapse so you can finally tell old people to shut the f*ck' up about the Depression already?

"I hope it doesn't get that bad. Besides, we can compare Depressions."

If you were an unscrupulous Wall Street executive, how would you extravagantly waste your share of the tax payer bailout money? Hot tub filled with champagne and whores?

"You know me all to well—I might even buy you a drink. I would throw myself one hell of a birthday bash, as well. Get a band to play and charge 5 bucks to get in and make a little more cash."

Which would you rather live through—a global economic crisis or a zombie holocaust?

"Zombie holocaust. I wanna see who actually had the more accurate zombie movie—George Romero, Lucio Fulci or Michele Soavi. And with the intranets these days it would be cool to see it going on around the world in real time. Plus, it would let a lot of people release their aggression by killing zomibes. The world might be a happier place."