Spawn Artist

Actual News Nugs*


Old internet memes, now more than ever.

Troubling details about octuplets mom Nadya Suleman continue to surface this week, including her reported obsession with Angelina Jolie—emulating both the actress' large family and facial structure—and the neglect of her 6 previous children. The mother of 14 is on food stamps and disability trying to keep up with her exploding brood.*...Since she's white and looks like a famous person, pro-life conservatives are hailing Suleman as an "inspiration" rather than a "welfare queen."


*...Suleman defended her unyielding baby-stream, saying that the raging torrent of children can be utilized in many practical ways, including: stripping paint off of a house, riot control, extinguishing the Australian wildfires, jet propulsion, and tidal energy.


*...Family Planning advocates recommend Suleman switch from a contraceptive sponge to a Sham Wow.


*...When authorities were asked why someone who has 14 cats is arrested for negligence, but someone who has 14 children is lauded as heroic, they responded, "Shut up."


*...During her exclusive interview with Ann Curry, Suleman only responded to questions with "Yes, Brad" and "Oh, Brad, you were so great in Benjamin Button" and "Of course, Brad, I'd love to strangle Jennifer Aniston with my umbilical chord." Curry suffered a broken nose when Suleman sneezed and a baby shot out from between her legs at terminal velocity.


*...Hearing that there were hungry mouths to feed, Salma Hayek parachuted onto the scene and began distributing her MREs (Mams Ready to Eat).

*...based on actual news


pistachio 12 years, 7 months ago

I suffered through maybe 10 minutes of Ann Curry's interview (during which "Good morning good morning everybody in the news this morning good morning" kept running through my head - damned Joel McHale) but had to turn away once she failed to understand what "responsible" means. It was responsible to seek another litter because her first 6 kids continue to remain alive - I see...BTW, Bill O'Reilly hates her guts with a passion he normally reserves for Britney Spears.

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