Townie guide to... bulging stimulative packages

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Andy Stowers

Andy Stowers, doomsday prophet, bartenderista, theatre doer

President Obama's economic stimulus was just signed into law. How do you plan on misappropriating your share? Cronyism? Public works fraud? Bridges/off-ramps/water slides to nowhere?

"Buy 300 cups of coffee, then save friends and accquaintances from a burning building like the Flash."

What shovel ready projects do you think should get priority in Lawrence? Weatherizing Mark Mangino?

"Two words—'pot' and 'holes.'"

Does this mean we're all socialists now? If so, who would you like to to see up against the wall when the purges begin?

"We're not socialists yet—we must first have universal medical coverage and quality schooling. First against the wall will be the rich and humorless."

How do you recommend people utilize their tax cuts? Investments, savings or cock fighting?

"Invest in the stock market. I recommend fossil fuels and whatever company is supplying Jessica Simpson with food."

What advice do you have for surviving this economic armageddalypse? And, yes, you can suggest cannibalism.

"Okay, since you suggested it, cannibalism—'If we aren't supposed to eat people, then why are they made out of meat?'"

Do you feel stimulated by this package?

"Is this some kind of double entendre?"

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