Gary: Landlord of the Flies

Daily Dose

Thursday, July 9, 2009

If anyone's lived in Lawrence long enough, they've probably at some point rented an apartment or other dwelling. More often than not, they've probably also had a run-in with that awful, awful person who has a black pit in place of their soul and goes by "landlord." Generally, this reprehensible creature can be classified among two categories: "slumlord" or "monopolistic robber baron."

The slumlord owns a crumbling ramshackle, usually on Ohio or Tennessee Streets and near campus, that has plumbing worse than your grandpa's kidneys and is so derelict it would give a meth addict pause. The slumlord is impossible to get ahold of and knows he can treat you like human garbage because there's an endless stream of students coming into town who will feed his cocaine habit. They will not give back your deposit.

The monopolistic robber baron builds pre-fab, identical apartment complexes across town and charges insane amounts for the privilege of living in such homogenization. They own city commissions lock, stock and building permit and are horrible tippers. They will not give back your deposit.

There are no exceptions to these rules. There are slumlords and there are monopolistic robber barons...and then there's Gary. No matter how bad you think your landlord is in Lawrence, count your lucky sublets that you've never run into Gary. As documented in the blog Stranger than Eviction, Gary is a beast in and of himself.

A guy named Gabe rents an apartment outside of Chicago for what he thinks is a steal at $500 a month. Turns out it will cost him much more. His landlord, Gary, is an alcoholic paranoiac. Gary steals from his tenants, breaks into their cars, and has frequent run ins with the police. He also likes to write threatening notes and send poorly, obscenely worded e-mails to the people who rent from him.

Here's one of Gary's handwritten missives:

Here's one of Gary's e-mails (I'm gonna put one big "SIC" in front of this, because the spelling is all his):

Subject: JUST CONFIRMING….

DF:

U STATED THAT “U DO NOT WANT 2 GET INVOLVED”…..well, just pay your rent, CONT….. DF = DUMB FOCKIN’ CONT…..

actually it is about time that alyssa paid me something….just a thought….COWARD, possy-whipped wimp that u r……..

DF, don’t forget to include alyssa’s share of the utilities in the check…..

see our Rental Agreement attached……

Gary

And here's the transcript of a voicemail left by Gary (harsh language ahoy):

“Gabe… Gabe Dunn you little c**t, you little queer. If you think you’re going to get a uh a uh deposit refund from me…. kiss my f***ing d*ck. I saw your little squirrelly ass… came in here today and didn’t have the balls to hand me your key, and I’m not sure it was your key, because I think you’re a little fu**ing … crook. I hope you rot in hell you c**ksucker. (long pause) You little f**king d*ck. You little squirrelly bipolar d*ck…. I know you’re bipolar. You will not receive a refund of your stupid fu**ing deposit because you broke the contract you motherfu**ing little squirrelly d*ck. Take me to court you lying motherfu**er. Remember…. Well, you don’t remember because you’re fu**ing queer. And you’re bipolar. You let the cops in my house you fu**ing d*ck. Take me to small claims like you threatened me. You D*CK. You fu**ing little tiny fu**ing d*ck. That’s what you are. You’re a little tiny d*ck from… Fermilab. Call me if you dare… d*ck!”

Be sure to visit Stranger than Eviction for the whole, sordid story. Gabe lays out the narrative from beginning to end, complete with the actual recording of the above voicemail. It's terrifying and hilarious and back to terrifying all at once.