The Comfort Wipe

Daily Dose

I know this is gross, but it's better you hear about it from me than from some seedy late night talk show host. I'm just trying to steel you for what's going to be the next over-referenced ShamWow! phenomenon. Please forgive me, but here's the ad for Comfort Wipe. I promise you this is not a parody.

A side note: Does anyone remember the old SNL skit in which Christopher Walken interviews a centaur? The centaur was played by Chris Parnell in a very elaborate costume and he was applying for a prestigious job at a hospital. Walken as the interviewer doesn't care at all about the centaur's qualifications and proceeds to ask a series of inappropriate questions, beginning with "Can I ride you?" At one point, Walken asks how the centaur wipes itself after he goes to the bathroom. The centaur responds, "Uh.. there is a device we use, it's called an Aubesian. It's a stainless steel telescoping rod, with gripper claws, and a sort of toggle line that allows you to move the paper back and forth."

We as an American people have finally ballooned into centaurs. Thanks, corn-syrup industrial complex!


Susan Rickman 13 years, 7 months ago

Wow, the first improvement to toilet paper since the 1800s... Uh. Really.

corduroypants 13 years, 7 months ago

"Being a big guy certainly has it's advantages..." Is he referring to diabetes or heart disease?

mikeryan 13 years, 7 months ago

It's going to be interesting to see the industry that is built around our developing chronic health problems to accommodate them rather than figuring out an abatement strategy.

"Interesting" isn't really the word I want to use, but maybe the least controversial.

alm77 13 years, 7 months ago

Mike, I'd argue that's begun long, long, ago. When was the last time you heard a Dr. prescribe a good diet and exercise as the solution to a health problem? They dispense pills for everything now. No one every really looks for a "cure" for common ailments. Once they are common, we just accept them (everybody's doing it), take whatever pill will alleviate the discomfort (ie the consequences of our unhealthy choices) and go on (so we can continue in our unhealthy choices).

I would think this would be a helpful product in a nursing home or assisted (no pun intended) living facility, but to make it into an infomercial and introduce it to the general population is a sad commentary on the state of our health and priorities. yuck

mikeryan 13 years, 7 months ago


I agree with you that the band aid mentality, if you will, started a long long time ago. I guess I meant my comment in a more focused sense that with the comparatively new health challenges that modern American life is bringing upon us, I expect to see many more products similar to this one that give the average "plus size" individual an inhuman 18 extra inches of reach to tend to some, ahem, basic functions.

I realize that some people with joint problems were featured in this ad as well, but to me, they do the same job as the lady in the KY jelly commercial who rubs the stuff on her arm. KY doesn't go on your arm any more than the comfort wipe is for people with joint problems.

pistachio 13 years, 7 months ago

Um, may I point out a logistical issue? If the "big guy", the weirdly seductive old cougar lady or the skinny lady who's simply disgusted by "archaic" butt-wiping technology (i.e. her hands) needs to use more than one wad of paper, will they have to stand up to drop the first wad into the toilet? Because I would have troubles maneuvering that safely into the toilet from a seated position, and I am not a "big lady". But it makes no sense to have to stand up repeatedly during the process.

Gavon, please to purchase this and to try it out for us.

gavon 13 years, 7 months ago

After thinking about it way too long, pistachio, I think you're'll have to stand up to wipe. However, I'm assuming the morbidly plump have to stand up to wipe in the first place, so it's not a stretch (har, har) for them.

April, let's go halfsies on this $20 miracle of toiletry engineering (a steal at any price) and take it for a spin. You don't mind sharing a toilet paper stick, do you?

Alm and Mike, until people finally make the connection between eating that big ol' trough of Mountain Dew, Lucky Charms and Jimmy Dean for breakfast and their cankle gout, we're going to have to treat the symptoms with Jazzy scooters and Comfort Wipes.

corduroypants 13 years, 7 months ago

And don't tell me the Magic Shit Wand™ ain't gonna get "dirty" after a while? Nothin' better than havin' a shit-caked stick in your bathroom.

p.s. Didn't Cankle Gout open for Nickelback?

gavon 13 years, 7 months ago

Congratulations, made me squirt coffee out of my nose from laughing so hard.

americandreamrealty 13 years, 7 months ago

I look forward to the day a robotic hand reaches out of the toilet and wipes my ass, then spritzes it with perfume out of the tip of it's robotic finger.

Keith 13 years, 7 months ago

Regarding the robotic hand, see also:

April Fleming 13 years, 7 months ago

Gavon, what's a dirty shit stick between friends? Of course I'm down to go halfsies. $10 is far more reasonable.

alm77 13 years, 7 months ago

Keith, you just mooned me! You gotta warn a girl before you do that!! I can't believe it washes AND dries! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Keith 13 years, 7 months ago

That website could have only been better if they had licensed some music from Toto. Hurry boy, it's waiting there for you.....

Jill Ensley 13 years, 7 months ago

Gavon, April, promise me you will Bedazzle your poop stick.

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