I know this is gross, but it's better you hear about it from me than from some seedy late night talk show host. I'm just trying to steel you for what's going to be the next over-referenced ShamWow! phenomenon. Please forgive me, but here's the ad for Comfort Wipe. I promise you this is not a parody.

A side note: Does anyone remember the old SNL skit in which Christopher Walken interviews a centaur? The centaur was played by Chris Parnell in a very elaborate costume and he was applying for a prestigious job at a hospital. Walken as the interviewer doesn't care at all about the centaur's qualifications and proceeds to ask a series of inappropriate questions, beginning with "Can I ride you?" At one point, Walken asks how the centaur wipes itself after he goes to the bathroom. The centaur responds, "Uh.. there is a device we use, it's called an Aubesian. It's a stainless steel telescoping rod, with gripper claws, and a sort of toggle line that allows you to move the paper back and forth."

We as an American people have finally ballooned into centaurs. Thanks, corn-syrup industrial complex!